I am struggling today. I'm two and a half months out from Dday. The WS are in limbo, while I think about whether or not I want to reconcile. On Sunday, the OW emailed my WS. WS did exactly the right thing: didn't respond or delete the email, notified me as per our agreement, we talked about it and agreed to delete it unread. So that was actually a good moment.
So why am I still struggling? In part, the OW reaching out to my WS caused some triggering for me. But the other part of it is, at two and a half months out, some things feel they are moving back towards "normal". I know this should be a good thing. I should be feeling good about the fact that I can manage to get through most days without crying for at least half of them, I have better concentration at work, I get to an exercise class and actually have moments where I enjoy it.
But the truth is sometimes the "normalcy" freaks me out. I feel this strong desire to say to the world: "Don't think I'm okay now, I am still broken. I am still hurt by this". I said these things to my WS this morning, but I'm not sure he gets it. I am not sure I do. Is this craziness? Self-pity? Is it fear of moving on? Do any other BS's ever have these fears?
