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Struggling2014 posted 5/7/2014 12:37 PM

This is my first posting, and I am scared and alone.
My husband and I did not separate. Almost a month ago he discovered the affair. It was a one night situation with an ex-co worker that was recognized as a mistake immediately.
We are in separate rooms sleeping, and we are in counselling.

I feel very alone with my thoughts, and I cry all the time. I just want things to get better & I do not know what to do.

authenticnow posted 5/7/2014 12:50 PM

Hi Struggling,

Welcome to SI. I'm glad you found us. Do some reading in the Healing Library (look to the left) and post and read as much as you need to.

Make sure you're 100% truthful with your BH. Have you told him everything? It takes a long time to rebuild trust and things aren't going to be better for awhile. You'll need to be patient.

Are you in IC? It's important for you to dig deep and figure out what allowed you to tell yourself that it was okay to cheat.

Hang in there. We are here and we understand.

islesguy posted 5/7/2014 13:20 PM


I offer this advise because I did everything wrong and would be in a much better place now if I had done these things.

Do not trickle truth. Get it all out no matter how painful it is. I TT'd for literally years and will never recover from it.

Try to put yourself in your betrayed husbands shoes and think what it would be like to have this dropped on you.

Remember that your betrayed husbands reaction may be very numb at first but the anger will probably build over time and then it will continue to be an emotional roller coaster after that.

Read as much as you can. I highly recommend reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". I try to read it often as it really helps me put myself in my wife's shoes. Not Just Friends was also a really important read for waywards.

Do not for a minute underestimate how devastating this is. Reading will help you understand this. Whether it was one night or you lived a completely double life, the trust is still destroyed.

If you are truly wanting to recover, you need to be ready to commit yourself to digging deep inside of yourself to understand how you could have made the choice to cheat. I am still digging into myself and it has been years so far.

Struggling2014 posted 5/7/2014 14:48 PM

We do not discuss what happened, as a request by my husband. He has said that he will ask questions when he needs to.

We are in couples counselling one week, and individual counselling the following week.

Why did this happen? I believe it did because the week before my husband and I were talking and I believed he was saying he wanted a divorce. I was insecure, vulnerable, sad, scared and found comfort in the wrong person.

I have the book "Not Just Friends" but I have not read it yet, I am reading "I Do Again,"

We are in seperate rooms, and we have kissed three times, and hug lots and say i love you. We are planning trips - as a family and as couples only.

I am confused because I dont know his feelings as he wont talk about it, but I want to share a room again. I know I need to be patient but I also feel very alone, I have no one talk to.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/7/2014 17:24 PM

Did your BH say he wanted a D? Or is it what you heard? How has the rest of the M been? Have you ever had any other indication that he wanted to D?

Struggling2014 posted 5/7/2014 20:51 PM

It was Christmas day, and we were arguing over something, I don't remember what anymore.
I looked at him and asked him "what do you want to do?" he said "I don't know." and then I asked him "Do you want to separate?" and he said he was not sure. I completely broke down and thought it was his way of asking for a divorce.
we have had many issues over the last 8 years. From fertility problems to repeated miscarriages, to three moves, him being away for 6 months due to work. A LOT and we never went and got help when we should have. We left it to the last minute, we were crumbling and then we fell apart.
And now... we are trying to pick up the pieces.

I just wish he would talk to me about his feelings, and I have no outlet for my feelings.

Its hard to go on each day when he acts like nothing is wrong & generally treats me normal but hardly touches me & at night we retire to separate rooms.

I want to be there for him, and be supportive and patient but I feel myself slipping into depression.

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