Thank you all for the responses. It's good to hear the other voices in this turmoil.
BBT, that parenting forum with the foggy waywards must have been brutal on you at times. Being here on SI where BSs get lots of support and validation is sometimes enough to make me want to apologize to all of the BSs there ever were on behalf of the unrepentant waywards. I can only imagine what it was like in the midst of these people who embraced their infidelity.
Folks who talked about the animals, When I think about them responding to the rough times and how they used to be before my infidelity, it's a huge source of guilt and shame. I'm strongly attached to the boys and they are wholly innocent. I introduced fear and uncertainty to them as well and it's horrible.
heartbroken, as I understand it, the label of 'consensual relationship' for and adulterous relationship is being applied as a means of legitimizing it. i.e. that because it is two people deciding what they want to do together that it justifies their choices. That is a way of treating it that is not OK in my book.
Sal1995,
I want to start by saying thank you for your kindness and support.
Now I'm going to explore your thoughts because you raise some good points. I hear what you are saying about how much one should be investing in the other person in trying to live through the experience of infidelity. From that perspective, yes, one needs to manage how much headspace they will be allowed to occupy. However, I argue that on a larger perspective, at an ethical level, the other person is culpable for their actions regardless of whether they had any formal or informal obligation to the betrayed spouse. Having society acknowledge that the other person was indeed wrong and committed injustices against the BS supports an environment of validation for the injured party. That also creates an environment that subtly discourages inserting oneself into another relationship and creates a path to social consequences.
A giant part of the pain that my wife feels is that no one seems to care that my affair gutted her life. A generalized sense of knowing that the default reaction of a stranger will be one of sympathy rather than scorn would make the world a safer place for betrayed spouses. I have to say that is part of what makes SI so very special.
As it stands, she was exposed yesterday and today to statements like "If you don't like infidelity you shouldn't cheat and you shouldn't marry someone who is going to cheat." Great advice, o' Wisdom of the Internet. If it were that easy, there wouldn't be anyone on this board.
People need to have their pain acknowledged and they need to feel it. It is good to be supported in it. Being told that our hurts really don't matter is not a path to healthy living.
Even as a Wayward, it is good to be supported in one's pain. LifeIsBroken, thank you for your gentle words. One of the best benefits to being on SI for me as a Wayward is the chance to feel like a person. Deeply flawed and in need of work, but a person nonetheless.