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Drive down affair lane

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RomanticInnocenc posted 5/7/2014 17:16 PM

So last night we had a date night. My mum babysat our 4 month old and my WH and I went for a drive to all of the spots that he met her. The anticipation of doing this turned out to be far worse then the actual event, but by the end I was exhausted. I asked millions of questions, asked for stories, got angry and sarcastic at times but overall remained quite calm. WH answered everything, has always answers my questions, accepted my anger and sarcasm, and took it when I accused him of bull shitting me when he was talking about how he feels about me now! I thought that I would cry, break down, scream etc, but when we got to these places, it all just felt so high school. You know, a park near her house (how I would have loved to have caught her with another man there), a school car park, a dirt road and a car Park by a botanical garden. The hugged and kissed and talked about how crazy what they were doing was. It was real classy!

It definitely has brought out some anger at the waste of it all, a stupid high school affair which is funny when you consider she is a high school teacher. But at the same time it seems, for now, to have brought some calm as well! I feel as though I now have an idea of what was happening behind my back now, and whilst I'll never know it all, or probably if he is telling the whole truth, I feel as though maybe I can stop obsessing so much about the affair. I'm sure I will still have questions, still have mind movies, but perhaps this is a step toward R in an unexpected way!

redrock posted 5/7/2014 18:08 PM

I am glad that you got what you needed from him in regards to detailing the relationship.

My H affair was also very High School, except she thought she was the redneck Carrie Bradshaw. The exchanges I read were right out of study hall. My H is a serious man, an engineer. We met at a technical university. Even on our silliest day, we never hit it hard Teenbeat style.

You are pretty fresh meat on the forum, so be kind to yourself. It took me longer than I want to admit to stop stalking the OW's MySpace page(yeah it was 6 years ago). One day at a time.

Going for a walk, listen to some serious angry rock - it helps. I had that song " I Hate Everything About You" on repeat- not sure if I meant my H or the OW. Another way I distracted myself was books on CD. The bloodier the murder mystery the better. Get out of your head occasionally. Hang in there it is a bumpy ride for sure.

And welcome.

[This message edited by redrock at 6:17 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

Jrazz posted 5/7/2014 20:03 PM

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling moments of calm. The fact that he is opening up is a really good indication that he is willing to do the work for R.

I just want to gently mention that you shouldn't give up on having the whole truth from him. It's critical to having an honest, healthy relationship.

Baby steps and going easy on yourself through the ups and downs are key here. I hope that there are more moments of clarity and peace coming your way.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/7/2014 20:31 PM

Thank you Redrock for those ideas to get out of my head. I blocked both affair people and his so called 'friend' who gave him advice about the affair as well as send him naked photos blocked me after I gave her a serve one day. So as far as stalking them, I'm doing ok. The original chick he began setting and having phone sex really doesn't bother me all that much. I know she was nothing special, WH used her like he would a tissue. So while it all hurts etc, it's not about her. His latest one, it has and is taking me a lot longer to believe it wasn't about her and her actually being unique in anyway. But I blocked her months ago, so I can't see her profile and it really helps. I especially loved your books on cd idea with the bloody grisly murders! Will have to look into that! :-)

[This message edited by RomanticInnocenc at 8:34 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)]

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/7/2014 20:40 PM

Jrazz, thanks for your message. I think I meant more that I am coming to terms with the understanding that I will never 'know' if I have the whole truth. I will continue to fight for it, and try and trip him up, but I can never KNOW! Does that make sense? I'm coming around to the idea that maybe he really did tell me what he believed to be the whole truth on DD2. He sparked that conversation himself, up until then I think I was in the fog of not getting I was married to a cheat and a liar. But he came forward with things I would probably never have found out. I say he believed was the whole truth because obviously is classic WS thinking he didn't really get that some of the intricate details that I would learn over time as I asked questions would feel like other ddays. But he didn't hold them back to save his arse so much as he felt the big things would be the problem not the small things. Anyway, it's a work in progress!

LivinginLimbo posted 5/8/2014 07:08 AM

Unfortunately, driving past hookup spots is unavoidable for me. Recently, my FWH asked if it still bothers me as we were going by one area. I said that it does and I usually "flip a bird" when I drive past them. This is two+ years later. I hope you don't have the same reaction that far down the road, but it could remain a reminder for quite some time.

Coincidentally, the MOW is a high school teacher.

bionicgal posted 5/8/2014 10:09 AM

LiL - I did the bird thing a while to the hotel H and AP went to, until I had to go there for a meeting! Now, I am mostly over it, although I do still get an "ick" feeling.

I am normally a fairly composed and put together person. I teach college, coach soccer, and volunteer. But, I keep thinking if I see the AP that my first instinct will be to flip her off, or mouth "F_U_C_K Y_O_U" really clearly. I think that can't be good.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:11 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Branca posted 5/8/2014 14:50 PM

I'm glad this is a step towards R for you. You felt the anxiety but did it anyway.

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/8/2014 16:49 PM

Livinglimbo - does it concern you like it does me that these women are teaching you people? It does me. I'm a primary teacher (you can imagine how that went down on dday) and the idea that someone that morally corrupt as to go after a man with a pregnant wife, is teaching teens, scares the hell out of me. I think actually going to the spots, seeing them myself, having WH answer my questions there, really helped to demystify them. They were crummy places, and like the relationship devoid of any substance. I will always think of them when I go past them I think, I'm hoping, HOPING, it will be with a shake of my head and a sad feeling rather than anger and fear.

Bionic- I would be the same. My current day dream includes me giving her a huge smile, shaking my head and muttering 'loser' and having a laugh. Try and make her feel as insignificant as they made me feel!

Branca - thanks. I like to face things head on, I find the more avoidance on things like this the more it will hurt later and the bigger it gets in my mind. I'd rather get it done and feel the horrific pain, but begin to heal as soon as possible. But that's just me! :-)

whattheh posted 5/8/2014 17:01 PM

We did the infidelity tour about six months out and I'm glad we did. It also helped my fWH deal with his demons too. It wasn't easy but for us needed to be done.

Our OW is a school nurse who works with disabled children so I too find it gross that these whores are allowed around innocent children...

RomanticInnocenc posted 5/9/2014 07:45 AM

Whattheh, I'm glad we're not the only ones to have done it. I actually had to drive past a couple of the places today. I braced myself but they are just places now. There is a little hurt associated but more akin to a little needle jab rather than the kick to the stomach the mere thought of them were before. I also kind of see it now that they aren't 'their' places any more. I have been there, stood where they stood and there is nothing romantic or special about standing between a couple of mini buses to hug and kiss! So high school! I can't believe how cheap she was! What is with these women who work with our most innocent! You should be able to get fired from that kind of position based on morality!

LivinginLimbo posted 5/9/2014 08:04 AM

Livinglimbo - does it concern you like it does me that these women are teaching you people?

This is something that I struggle with. The AP has a sex blog under a pseudo name. Still, she leaves enough clues, including stating that she's a teacher, where her employer could verify that it is indeed her.

There are a few reasons why I have chosen not to inform her school. First, I doubt that they can do anything since she's protected by a powerful union. Would it be in her personnel file? Yes, but other than that, tenured teachers have a ton of job protection.

Second, it took intervention by an attorney to get her to leave my FWH alone. If I were to initiate any action, it would nullify what we did.

Third and foremost, we have managed to keep all of this from our children. Much as there's always the possibility that they could find out, I wouldn't risk it by poking the bear.

One thing that I've seen in my time on SI is that AP's come in all walks of life, including those who we entrust our children to. It's yet another part of having my rose-colored glasses ripped off and seeing the ugly side of life.

2married2quit posted 5/9/2014 12:14 PM

I'm glad you got out of it what you needed. I've done the affair tour by myself. I cried like crazy. Yes, very high schoolish too. Meet up after work and park. She gets in his car and they play. Hard to believe she did this. And he (my ex-friend) was along for the ride and actually developed feelings.

I still pass by the area, which I avoid but it is near the shopping mall where we go. It's inevitable.

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