Shortly after finding SI I realized that was pretty unique behavior on her part as a BS and in most of the stories I was reading it was the opposite; I saw a lot of BSs after dday trying to make sure no one knew about their spouse’s affair.
So in my case ‘the cat has been out of the bag’ for a long time now, and in MC my wife said something really emotional about how “I humiliated her in front of EVERYONE”. She was in a LOT of pain when that came out and I couldn’t help but get concerned that her telling all our friends and family after dday might be making R even further out of reach for us. I mean if my wife decides she wants to work on our marriage, doesn’t that mean she will have to justify and explain her decision to all those people? I even wonder if, now that things have calmed down a tiny bit, she might regret letting all these people know? That thought makes me feel even worse than I normally feel…
Anyone have thoughts on that? Do you think we’re in for a longer haul because everyone knows about my A?
BS here. You ask if you're in for a longer haul. Gently - I don't think this is the question you need to be asking yourself.
As a BS that has reconciled, I can say that I'm glad I didn't tell may people. I can also say that the ones that know I don't worry about. I'm not basing major parts of my life - such as who I should be married to - on the opinions of others. Your wife wouldn't be the first BS that stayed with a WS in this circle, and I doubt she'd be the last.
I'd like to ask you a question, and I'm only asking it to maybe stir a new thought process:
I want to preface this by saying that I admire your willingness to do whatever is necessary to help your wife heal. That said, given your post earlier saying you thought there would be more by now, is there any thought in your head to letting your wife know that you are absolutely interested in reconciling, but it seems that she is not headed in that direction, or any direction, and as such you're going to start accepting that the marriage is over and begin working towards being the very best single dad you can be, but holding out hope may be counter-productive? You'd be there if she wanted to reconcile, but you're both in limbo, and for both of you, you're going to start moving towards a true and accepted separation.
I'm not interested in testing your wife, at all. I am curious if her knowing you're there waiting is affecting her decisions, or lack of them.
pfh - I'm fully supportive of you and your efforts. I'm not in any way implying that you or your wife are doing anything wrong, in any way. This is simply something I'm curious about.
Everyone in our life knows I cheated. They are supportive of XH's decision to R and therefore it is a non-issue that they know. They were also supportive of his decision to D---basically they support him no matter what.
I asked him, when we began R, what he would do if people in our lives were against it. He said he doesn't care what other people think because it's not their life.
I can certainly understand your BW feeling humiliated by your cheating. Obviously I don't think she has anything to be humiliated about, but I can understand it. We as human beings tend to let the actions of those we are close to define us.
I think you're only in for a longer haul if your BW takes other people's potentially negative opinions into consideration---which of course she shouldn't as THEY aren't the ones married to you---but some people do anyway.
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
Shortly after DDay, my BW outed me, my AP and the AP's husband on social media. Hundreds of people got the story. She was the victim of a triple betrayal and the secrets needed to be brought into the light.
I thought at the time, and still think, it was the right thing to do. It was hard, but there was no creeping around and pretending everything was allright.
I don't think that we would have had any real chance of reconciliation at all if it hadn't been done. Exposing things didn't guarantee a good outcome, but continuing to hide would have created a bad one.
I was raised in an abusive household, with 4 sisters who eventually went on to be in there own messed up abusive situations. I was the only one who got out the cycle and I was so proud. Now I'm in my own messed up situation that many here refer to as a type of abuse. I told myself I would never let myself be treated like the women in family let themselves be treated. I'm having some cognitive dissonance.
So yea, even with no one knowing my situation, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the humiliation of staying, when his actions should have made me single again, in my mind.
"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"
R: one foot in, and one foot out
That being said, it can't be undone. People can, and will, tell you their unasked-for thoughts on the decision to stay together. It can make R tougher.
Within 30 mins of finding out about my WW's affair, my boss knew about the situation. I also told him who the OM was, and I made it clear, OM should be no where near the work place if he wants to stay breathing....
By about the 1 hr mark, I told my grandparents. I didn't tell my mother and sisters until the next day, when I was heading out of town.
Now about 4 months later, everyone at work knows. Some of my family are not trying to push me one way or another. Just want me to be happy.
But I've also been told by others, others have stated, I should just be done with it.
Ultimately, it's my life. I will choose which direction to go. And my family will have to agree to it, but I also know I will get support either way.
The way I see it, the only thing that can hinder R is the WS. Everything else, is a non-factor.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 12:35 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]
If her need at that time was to tell people, she can decide what she does now in terms of support and what she tells people.
You could make this a hindrance to R and use it against her if you don't resolve it now. Is it OK for you that she told everyone?
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis
Personally I think keeping it hush hush fuels the secrecy of their A and helps keeps it in that bubble they love so much. The bubble was burst big time here.
In retrospect, in some ways, I wish fewer people knew the truth. But really, it doesn't matter much. Ultimately it has nothing to do with anyone else. The way we conduct our lives and our marriage is no-one else's business.
When I was confronted by the AP certain details became evident. Similar to your W
in a state of absolute blind rage and shock, my wife told a dozen or so of our closer friends about my LTA, including a bunch of direct family members
So in my case ‘the cat has been out of the bag’ for a long time now
I couldn’t help but get concerned that her telling all our friends and family after dday might be making R even further out of reach for us. I mean if my wife decides she wants to work on our marriage, doesn’t that mean she will have to justify and explain her decision to all those people? I even wonder if, now that things have calmed down a tiny bit, she might regret letting all these people know? That thought makes me feel even worse than I normally feel
I told my family and some close friends because I wanted them to hear it from me. Not one person, including my brother, asked me to justify my decision. In fact, these people have reminded me to remain true to myself and to not do anything that would bring shame to me. Because like your W
my H had
humiliated [me]in front of EVERYONE
Sharing this devastation with the people that love me has allowed me to sort of spread the pain and make it more manageable. This has helped in my healing, and thus aids in the R process.
Here is the caveat: Each person should do what is best for them with the understanding that every action has a reaction.
[This message edited by TheBestMe at 7:01 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]
Both feet pointed forward; positive
I guess the point is that it doesn't really matter at this point. It's done. There's no benefit to focusing on something you can't control so whether it was a benefit or hindrance to R is neither here nor there at this point. Just keep focusing on what you can control each day.
[This message edited by CantBeUndone at 7:33 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]
He cares very much what other people think of him, so in the beginning I do think it would have been beneficial, a catalyst. And I do think the R ball would have been rolling along a little smoother with some support and helpful concern of some people close to us.
OTOH, we both did not want to involve other people. Looking back, I believe it was for different reasons of self-protection. I wanted to tackle R hoping the rest of my wonderful life could be the same, comparmentalizing the hurt. He, of course, did not want those closest to him/us knowing what he had done. I guess I did not want my family to know what he had done either.
Pfh, your BW exposed "in a state of absolute blind rage and shock." I think it's way too early in R to decide whether this is going to be a hindrance or not. It is part of your R history, and if you are truly committed to R, I would not look back and second guess. Stay focused on what's real, letting go of the consequences. Focus on your healing, MC and R.
I was reading it was the opposite;
I've read a considerable amount of those who did tell other people. Maybe because we did not tell, I notice the opposite. Either way, R is not easy, it's not a fine science, and our choices are not always right. And that's OK.
I was cross posting with CBD.
I wanted to clarify something after reading CantBeUndone's post. Even though WSO and I chose not to tell or speak to other people after D-D, the cat was out of the bag. OW told some of our mutual friends and then they passed the information along. I knew OW as well and it amazes me to this day that so many people that I knew were aware of this and I was not. WSO has said that OW wanted him to make up his mind. The people who were speaking on her behalf did approach him.
I agree with CBD's advice to you.
I'm sure there are people out there gossiping and saying what an awful, evil adulteress I am, but that's a consequence of my actions. And honestly it doesn't matter what they think- it's between me and God and BH, who has chosen to forgive me and reconcile. Maybe later I'll regret that so many people know, but for now I'm glad BH and I have friends to talk to and that we don't have the added pressure of hiding and pretending that everything is perfect. It's a dark time, but we are pushing through. We give all the glory to God.
The new thought these posts triggered was how helpful her telling everyone was to my own recovery. I never really put that together, but by everyone knowing it helped me immensely take responsibility for my actions. I never really thought about the alternative, but after thinking this through and reading all this input, I am grateful to my wife for shining the public light on my affair. Secrets would not help at this stage and it’s important to me that I can talk openly about what I did with my family and friends.