So going back to the AP, I thought about my statement, and I realized, I really couldn't be my goofy self with him. I didn't realize it at the time, but I wasn't trying to be liked by someone, so if you are goofy or doing something that could be embarrassing, the person may not like it. I wasn't my genuine self with AP because I was trying to be liked and impress people therefore I really couldn't really totally be myself.
But the thing that makes me feel so sad is that BH loved me unconditionally. He would have loved me no matter whether I was silly, or goofy, or whatever. I realized that he's the first one to laugh at my jokes or the silly things I say - he even makes me repeat if I say or do something funny, even though I can never do it exactly the same way I did it when he heard/saw it the first time. He buys me goofy hats and encourages me to wear them (well, the winter ones, not necessarily the giant hotdog). He laughs when I do silly dances. He calls me "goofball" in a loving way. He smiles at the faces I make. He giggles at a goofy way I will sing a song. He will even laugh if I do something silly in public (to a point). Even our special language is silly. My BH, has, is, and will always be the real thing. He is the one I want to be my best self for. I'm trying not to stifle myself anymore.
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
I think its great you realize it wasn't disgust because I know I really hate when people think I'm a snob when I'm really just shy and hate the spot light.
"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"
R: one foot in, and one foot out
Earlier in our M, I would have said that she balanced me out. That I'd do all kinds of crazy shit if she wasn't so grounded. And she would have said that she'd never do anything unless I drew her out. We complimented each other.
When things started to go bad, I looked at her traits in a negative way. Instead of being solid, she was boring. Instead of being single-minded, she ignored me.
Lots of the books talk about this. That spouses see the traits that they once loved as problems. Part of our MC is to look at those traits in a positive way again.