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Newest Member: NeedSomeAdvice (45762)

User Topic: How Not to get emotionally attached too soon?
LineInTheSand
♀ 20399
Member # 20399
Question  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reading Lonelygirl10 post and members were advising her not to get emotionally attached too soon into her relationship.

Okay, how does one not get too emotionally attached? How long can a person keep this up? If I'm attracted to a person and we seem to hit it off, how can I keep my emotions in check??

Anyone have any magical words or potions to keep me from getting attached?? Because I've gotten attached too soon before and it hurts like the dickens when we went our separate ways.

Remember I'm a WOMAN! My emotions are all over the place and I even have some to spare!

Now if the guy's fugly, weird, creepy, etc., I have absolutely no problem leaving my emotions out of the equation....but how does one do it after going out and spending time with a guy (and he's cute)?

PS Guys can chime in too! Would like to know how guys stay emotionally disconnected at first too.

Help! Anyone??


Posts: 502 | Registered: Jul 2008
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you love yourself more and not in a obsessive way.

The best relationships are when both people know themselves and can tell the truth. Sometimes we all don't know.

I really believe time is the key. It is not to say don't be attached but be attached to yourself first and then enjoy the other person.

When people show you something it is keeping the perspective to see who they are not who we want them to be.


Posts: 1065 | Registered: Jul 2012
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but how does one do it after going out and spending time with a guy (and he's cute)?

Would like to know how guys stay emotionally disconnected at first too.

Well I can honestly say that I have never gone out with a cute guy and felt emotionally connected. Well maybe that guy at Guinness brewery, but that may have to do more with the fact that he was pouring me free drafts and had a cool accent.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enjoy your dates fully but leave time for yourself. Stay engaged in your life, your own interests, hobbies, and your friendships. Don't text, email or call all day or you will lose yourself. Stay centered. Do stuff for your personal growth and development, whether it's IC or classes. This doesn't mean you don't have emotions, you do, of course, but you also have perspective and plenty of self love.


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5905 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why fight it so hard? Yes, it hurts. But that lets you know you're still human.

I think the key is understanding that sometimes these things don't work out and it's nobody's fault.

That hurts inside and it hurts your ego, and you want to lash out and blame the world. But it also tells you that you're out there living life to its fullest. And you will get another opportunity.

Don't lose that joy for life. What seems painful now will be all that more rewarding when it does work out.

Experience and letting yourself feel also helps you determine what is important and what isn't in a potential relationship.

Remember that us fugly, weird and creepy guys have feelings, too.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1914 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't the basis of dating, so you strive to ultimately become attached to someone? If not than what's the real purpose?

Sounds to me like the answer is pretty simple then...don't date because obviously you aren't ready.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you asked this question, because I have no clue. I've been continuing to do my own activities and have my own life, but I am feeling more attached every day. I look forward to getting a text from him and seeing him, and I smile like an idiot the whole day after I see him. I don't know how to turn that off.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the difference is getting emotionally attached to a person who deserves your emotions.

If the relationship has some yellow flags, then emotions should maybe be dialed down. Or, you are in danger of ignoring those flags in the name of "He is cute and I like him!!".

As I've dated more and become much more healed, I come into dating and relationships with a healthier mind-set. If the guy doesn't deserve my emotions, then I detach pretty quickly.

It is about keeping yourself open to the possibility, but being mindful of flags.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the opposite! I'm really slow to attach and have to consciously make an effort! I do this my thinking of the person when he is not around and imagining him in my life.
Here's an example... I'm grocery shopping so I think "I wonder what kind of cereal X eats for breakfast." I typically default to "I don't eat cereal so why care about who eats what!" So I have to stop that and force myself to imagine him at breakfast.

So, to not attach ....do the opposite! Don't think about him. Just get on w/ your life (work, family, hobbies, YOUR goals, hopes ambitions). If your shopping and your mind wanders to his likes/interests redirect to your interests and what YOU want and deserve.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ I'm the other way too.

I don't measure my value by my relationship status.

I think you're asking how not to have hurt feelings when someone else doesn't feel as much for you as you do about them. I don't think you can once you have those feelings.

We have to base our feelings on what we know about someone - in the early days we only see their best. Recognising that you're only seeing their best and them yours might temper your emotions somewhat.

'I like what I'm seeing, I wonder what else there is?' rather than 'I like what I'm seeing, he's perfect for me.'

This is where becoming discerning about in whom and how much time and energy you invest is important. You learn as you go.

Are you attracting and attracted to the same kind of guy? Examine what they have in common or what itch they scratch in you. Maybe that kind of guy isn't right for you.

In my case I seem to be attracted to the boldest guy in the room. The guy who'll move heaven and earth to pursue me. The charmer. A little charm is nice but now I avoid the big charm like the plague. It is toxic to me. I start only seeing what I want to see.

TBH I think it's a lottery. As it kind of should be. My feelings should not be largely influenced by how much someone feels for me (I've made that mistake - many times). Nor should theirs be influenced by how I feel about them.

The trick is meeting/recognising someone where a relationship might work. That shit takes time. The lottery part comes into play because you both have to think it might work and be willing to take the time to figure out if it will.

Being rejected and doing the rejecting is always going to hurt your feelings. Just don't start beating yourself up about it. He doesn't feel the same way not because you're flawed but just because he doesn't. And that's OK. His loss. Remember, he doesn't really know you nor you him.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
DepressedDaddy
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I am going to give my two cents, but understand that I am still going through my D and have decided not to engage in any relationships until at least that is over. I don't know if I will be ready event then though.

My thought on this and something I have talked with my IC about has been something already mentioned in this thread...you have to love yourself. Not in that entitled, self-obsessed, ego-driven way, but in a way where you feel secure being by yourself. If you can be by yourself, then you don't fear attachment as much, because you'll know that you will be all right without this other person. Now, don't get me wrong, it will hurt like hell to lose someone that you are attached to, but your resilience is going to be based on your ability to see that you will be okay without him.

Here is a bit of psychology behind attachment and relationships. There are different types of attachment (secure, ambivalent, avoidant, disorganized, anxious, etc.). If you are in a non-secure attachment with someone, then you have a hard time having a true connection with them. However, when this attachment is secure, you have a bigger possibly of being hurt.

Also, understand that co-dependency is a factor in every relationship. Know that co-dependency is appropriate to a certain level and is needed in every relationship, but when you start losing who you are within the other person, it becomes unhealthy. If you can still be you and be with someone else at the same time, the co-dependent relationship is healthy.

Lastly, the idea of vulnerability is instrumental in this situation. I personally (and professionally) like the work of Brene Brown. She is an incredible speaker and researcher in the field of vulnerability. Take a look at this 20 min TED talk on it (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability), you won't be disappointed. She says that through her work with people from all over, that vulnerability is a state of being "all-in" on something, when there are no guarantees. By being vulnerable, it becomes the only way one can find true happiness, contentment, joy, pleasure, etc. However, it is also the way you end up possibly experiencing pain and discomfort. If you decide that you never want to experience pain, you are also willingly giving up on the possibility of happiness and joy. It kind of sucks that it works out that way, but it is what it is.

BTW, even though I work in the mental health field and can recite things like this everyday, it still doesn't change the fact that when I experienced my WW's disclosure of her A, my professional knowledge went right out the window, and my pain took over. It was something I could have never prepared myself for without going through it. We have all got Ph.D.'s in life because of these experiences.

To go back to your question, just know that you will know when you need to get attached with someone. Understand that you need to listen to your body and not your mind. It's okay to get attached, as long as you feel you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are doing it because you fear being alone, or you can't be with yourself, then you might want to check yourself and re-evaluate your need for a relationship right now.

I hope this helped.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 843 | Registered: Dec 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too. My rationality kind of flies away when I feel a connection.

What SBB says is something I have been trying to aim for:

'I like what I'm seeing, I wonder what else there is?' rather than 'I like what I'm seeing, he's perfect for me.'

However aiming for that and achieving it are different.

That's when I take the thing DD says as my comfort (justification?):

By being vulnerable, it becomes the only way one can find true happiness, contentment, joy, pleasure, etc. However, it is also the way you end up possibly experiencing pain and discomfort. If you decide that you never want to experience pain, you are also willingly giving up on the possibility of happiness and joy. It kind of sucks that it works out that way, but it is what it is.

I try to keep in mind some of what I've read on Baggage Reclaim to try to talk down my illusions/fantasies (because that's pretty much what my investment consists of, often in collusion with my chemistry with and attraction to the person). Do you read there? Here's a good starting point: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dating-is-a-discovery-phase-to-work-out-if-you-want-a-relationship/

It's all a process. If you're being too invested, try to step back and think about it more objectively. But on a certain level the emotional attachment is unavoidable too, so don't feel terrible that you can't stamp it totally out!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember I'm a WOMAN! My emotions are all over the place and I even have some to spare!

I'm sorry for the 2x4, but I HATE HATE HATE when women use this excuse. It presumes that we as a gender are not capable of controlling our emotions, but are, rather, complete helpless slaves to them.

You're in control of your own decisions. You make choices every day that dictate what happens in your life - emotions or not, you have a choice how you react to a guy, how you react when your boss annoys you, how you react when your kid is a snotty nosed brat, how you react when some guy on the street is begging to have hot coffee thrown in his face.

You can be emotional, but don't let your emotions rule you. Be an adult, make decisions, and live with them.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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