So, other than a good day here and there, I seem to have been really stuck for weeks now. I've narrowed down to the 3 reasons I think I'm stuck, but I truly don't know where to go from here. I have no idea how to get out of this awful place.
Here are the 3 issues I think are at the root of my problem:
1) False R. I've read so much and worked so hard to try and understand affairs, and to understand H. I can wrap my mind around how A started, and kinda sorta understand the crazy place H's mind went for a couple of months. But I CANNOT understand how he could continue the A, the lies and the manipulation after I found out. There are so many details about that time period that are just unbelievable to me. I could write pages and pages and pages about the details that make me feel absolutely decimated about this. I can't believe it. I can't believe he was capable of those things. And it gives AP, as a person and not just as the "any woman" she really was, more power in my mind. Because he chose to share with her my trauma, my pain, my life, and then he chose to f#%^ her some more, knowing exactly what he was doing to me. He gave her that power. Which leads me to.....
2) his feelings for AP. I know what I think is "true" about those feelings. But that doesn't mean I trust that he can see the truth at all. I think he has an idea of what the truth should be, or what is the "right" way to think about it, but I think AP is his happy place. And the fact that it makes H feel like crap to feel that way, doesn't change the fact that he feels that way. I think he probably felt wrong about his feelings for her all along. But that didn't stop him from believing he "loved" her. And just because he still believes those feelings are wrong doesn't mean he doesn't still feel them. H tells me I'm totally wrong about this, but I can't seem to believe him. This one seems the silliest to me, but I still can't shake it.
3) I feel like what's going to have to happen for us to push the reset button as a couple, and begin to move forward again, is that I'm going to have to be the strong one. Again. I'm going to have to let these things be put aside, somehow, and decide that I'm strong enough to risk being hurt by H again. Because the fact that he still can't face so much of this, to me, means that I'm still at a very big risk to be hurt by him. Although he is open and transparent, always willing to listen, and tries to do everything I ask of him, he still turns away from me instead of towards me when things get too hard. And that makes me feel scared and sad. I feel like when he sees how much I'm hurting, that's me telling him I need him the most. And that's when he pulls away. This cycle just reinforces/justifies all my fears. And the fact that I feel like I'm just going to have to suck it up to break the cycle makes me resentful.
Ugh. So much crap. I really really just want to be in a place where we can work on marriage stuff - all the stuff we should have been addressing before and didn't know how to. But I just am feeling like we're not dealing with the affair stuff in a way where I can ever get past it. I'm solidly stuck here. And I just can't be vulnerable enough to do the marriage stuff when the affair stuff is blocking my way.
Is this all just a time thing? Isn't there something I can be DOING to deal with this? (Other than the general taking care of myself stuff, communicating with H, and counseling. I'm doing all that.) I'm so so tired of feeling this way.