"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

mozzchops posted 5/8/2014 11:02 AM

I was talking to WW today and told her she doesn't feel cheating is *that* bad - as she was able to do it.

Her response "I do, and if I was on a dating site I feel like putting in the comments I will not accept being cheated on"

Unagie posted 5/8/2014 11:09 AM

Is she remorseful? Just being honest here no one wants to be cheated on, even the cheater. Is it hypocritical? Yes it is but being a cheater doesn't make us any less human. We have plenty of cheaters here who were cheated on by the person they cheated on. We're called madhatters and it hurts like hell. So yes I can understand why a cheater doesn't want to be cheated on. I sure didn't want it to happen even though I felt I deserved it.

mozzchops posted 5/8/2014 11:13 AM

Yes she is remorseful.
Just sometimes she doesn't *think* before she speaks.

Obviously nobody *wants* to be cheated on, but its the bare face cheek to say you woudn't tolerate it!

Its just full of hypocrisy.

Aubrie posted 5/8/2014 11:33 AM

Its just full of hypocrisy.

Is it?

We all have different lives and different paths that led us to the reason we're card carrying members of SI.

I'll spare the melodrama and epic longness that I could spout. Suffice it to say, I grew up feeling worthless and loved only conditionally. My ex cheated on me our whole relationship. We were "only" dating. But it still hurt. He abused me. He manipulated me. And he cheated. The other girls were sprinkles on the crap cupcake.

Yes. I cheated on my husband. After Dday, I woke up. And for the first time in....well, ever, I started realizing what boundaries and self-love were. That I was more worthy of what I was given in the past. It wasn't my fault my ex was a jerk. That was on him. I couldn't make my FOO love/respect me. For the first time ever, I found my voice. And I stood up for myself.

My husband and I have been rebuilding. From the ashes of devastation. We've been to Hell and have been fighting our way back. So yeah, if he cheated on me after all I, and we, have been thru, I'd be pissed as fuck. And no, I wouldn't tolerate it. If that makes me a hypocrite to some people, whatever. Its a boundary for me. That's something I never had in the past. But I exercise them now. I cheated. However that does not define me. I've put in the hard work. Still am. And I'm worthy of love, honor, and fidelity.

Jmho

mozzchops posted 5/8/2014 11:49 AM

OK, madhatters aside than.

Unagie posted 5/8/2014 11:50 AM

What Aubrie said in spades. I feel the same way. I have worked hard at being a better person and realizing my boundaries were crap most of my life. Now that I have them strongly in place I would not tolerate someone cheating on me. Not to say I would not consider R or forgiveness as it would depend on circumstances but I would not condone it or allow it to continue once I knew. If it did I'd be gone. The whole point of working on ourselves as waywards is to grow and learn. If I took all I learned and say hey I cheated before so now if someone cheats on me its okay i'll deal with it, well it seems silly to me.

ETA: I'm a madhatter but Aubrie isn't.

[This message edited by Unagie at 11:53 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

mightsurvive posted 5/8/2014 11:55 AM

My WH also says he wouldn't tolerate cheating. This is so confusing. What about the Golden Rule of treating others as you wish to be treated? Apparently I wasn't an actual real person at the time so it was ok to do to me. though I will never have a RA I wish there was a way for my WH to experience the true soul destroying pain of dday just for one day.

[This message edited by mightsurvive at 11:57 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 5/8/2014 12:04 PM

Apparently I wasn't an actual real person at the time so it was ok to do to me.

My cheating had absolutely nothing to do with QS and everything to do with me. He was unfortunately, collateral damage in my journey down the Tracks of Hell on the Crazy Train.

Was R hard? Heck yes. Did he feel disposable, degraded, and feel like running? Absolutely. However, he must have seen something within me worth staying for and I must have done something right. Cause he's still here. Who I am today is someone he loves. And he wants to stay.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:05 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Tickingtock posted 5/8/2014 12:51 PM

Her response "I do, and if I was on a dating site I feel like putting in the comments I will not accept being cheated on"

Who says that to the husband they cheated on? "If I was on a dating website, dear husband that I cheated on but still want to be with, I would put my high morals in the comments section."

mozzchops posted 5/8/2014 13:34 PM

Who says that to the husband they cheated on? "If I was on a dating website, dear husband that I cheated on but still want to be with, I would put my high morals in the comments section."

This is if she was single.

heartbroken2012 posted 5/8/2014 13:43 PM

Yes my WH says that if I ever cheat on him, he will leave me immediately.

Hmm..

Branca posted 5/8/2014 13:44 PM

My WH told me earlier in our marriage that if I ever cheated on him, he would instantly and automatically end the relationship. He'd be outta there.

Well, now the shoe's on the other foot - he's cheated on me (well, almost, if you use his definition that only full sex counts as cheating)... he's now said that if I ever cheated on him he'd be devastated, but due to the kids etc, he'd probably think twice before leaving.

soosorrymom posted 5/8/2014 15:30 PM

My BH is currently having an EA although he doesn't consider it that just texting he says . Hours and hours of texting .....
At first I thought as a ww I deserved it and the pain I felt was crippling . So yeah payback a bitch
However now that I am working so hard on myself and why I was broken I realize no one deserves that . RA solve nothing .
Instead of using this team to work on himself he is using it to boost his ego ( yes I know It's broken )

I still want to try and R but doubt he is willing to put in the work

Easy to say what we would put up with until it happens to us

mozzchops posted 5/8/2014 15:52 PM

I'm not saying a cheater deservers to be cheated on.
No-one deservers to be cheated on.

I just find it hard to comprehend that a cheater wouldn't tolerate being cheated on. Especially so early on in the process.

I'm a logical guy. 2 weeks before WW cheated she told her girlfriends she felt very strongly against cheating/cheaters.

So WTF 2 weeks later she's doing it !

RidingHealingRd posted 5/8/2014 16:08 PM

I just find it hard to comprehend that a cheater wouldn't tolerate being cheated on

My WH ended his A with MOW when he realized that SHE was cheating on HIM. Yes, a cheater who would not tolerate cheating. Such an asshole.

ICECOLD posted 5/8/2014 16:24 PM

If my husband told me he wouldn't stay if I cheated on him, I'd think "wtf am I doing slogging through this bs for you?!" Truthfully I'm 99.9% positive I wouldn't, but if those words came out his mouth, I'd walk out the door.

to me that shows how little he values what I'm sacrificing to stay

[This message edited by ICECOLD at 4:25 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

whattheh posted 5/8/2014 17:17 PM

As you try to solve this puzzle just remember cheaters are their very core selfish. So for many of them the golden rule doesn't apply.

peoplepleaser posted 5/8/2014 17:46 PM

I totally see what you are saying, mozz. It's not that she doesn't have a right to prefer to be with someone who won't cheat, but to declare she would leave or "not tolerate" cheating must feel awful degrading. Yes, WSs are selfish as proven by their actions, but in R the goal should be an awakening from that. If my WS said that I would totally question what kind of respect they could possibly have for me. What value are they placing on me if they think that I am less worthy of what they would demand? Why would a relationship after infidelity he good enough for me as a BS, but not for them? It would also make me wonder what they "know" about cheating that I don't. What are they not sharing that would make it a deal breaker for them? I would consider the possibility that there is some kind of knowledge about how the infidelity occurred that BS's weren't given.

On the flip side, if they explained a bit more about that response it might be different. It might be that they have seen the devastation and are impressed by the strength of their BS. Maybe they have the belief that they wouldn't be as strong as their BS.

This seems to me like an opportunity for a longer discussion that could lead to a greater understanding of each other. Whether it was a mindless statement, something that slipped out to reveal more information or a hidden compliment it seems worth exploring.

peoplepleaser posted 5/8/2014 17:56 PM

And I couldn't let that go, soosorrymom. I agree nobody deserves to be cheated on. I don't want to offend any madhatters or repeat offenders out there, but I feel very strongly that once you've experienced first-hand the devastation infidelity causes, it's especially heinous to engage in it. Hours of texting someone is ultimately long distance dating. Whether romantic overtones are present or not, sharing so much personal information with someone outside the relationship is damaging. It reverses doors and windows and it is an emotional affair. That amount of time is taken away from healing and maintaining the marriage. If you two haven't read Not Just Friends, please do. I have friends I confide in, but my WS knows everything we discuss and I stopped spending hours talking with them when we decided to R. And they do not fit the profile of anyone I would be attracted to (even if they did I might argue that point because I have excellent boundaries and always have when it comes to others showing interest--but that might also explain my Natural choices in whom I confide). While it's completely healthy to have friends in whom we confide, it's disrespectful to give it that much time and energy, especially when it bothers our partner and doubly so when recovering from infidelity regardless of your role as BS or WS.

Hugs to you as you navigate this situation.

soosorrymom posted 5/8/2014 18:21 PM

Thank you people pleaser
Yes I have read not just friends . BH suggested I read it early on . I wish he would have also read it .
I doubt his hours of texting is to a friend since it's not a local number and someone he never contacted before .