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What are you afraid of?

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lucy17 posted 5/8/2014 11:41 AM

I went to Las Vegas with a friend 2 weekends ago. It was wonderful. I forgot what it felt like to be happy, truly happy. I didn't even think about AP, not once the whole weekend.
So the week after I got back was hard. Back to triggers, back to wondering if he is telling the truth, back to wondering why, how, back to comparing myself to AP, back to not feeling special, back to grieving for the security of a loving, trusting marriage....ughh
So I made an appointment with counselor. I asked him to tell me, in his professional opinion that everything was going to be okay. That he could tell that WH and I have the capacity to build a marriage back. He said he can't tell me that. He said at this point it's 50-50. A lot depends on how much I can let go. I'm so hurt. I don't know that I can let go.
WH and I are supposed to renew our vows in June. It was my idea but now I'm thinking it's a terrible idea. It will be right in the middle of affair season just a few weeks before D-day.
I told counselor that after 9-10 months I was hoping to feel more committed, ready to wear my wedding ring. He asked me what I'm afraid of. Why do I think I'm not ready?
I'm afraid of being hurt again. Counselor asked if I thought WH would cheat again and I told him I honestly didn't know. If he would have asked me a year ago I would have said 100% that he never would have cheated in the first place so how will I ever know? I know what he is capable of. I asked counselor if he thought WH would cheat again and he said, "Not right now. But I've counseled several couples where the man said he would never cheat again and the first time someone gave him some extra attention he did anyway. There are no guarantees. You have to ask yourself if you can live with that."
I asked WH last night if he had ever had the opportunity to cheat before and he said he didn't think so. I then told him that it sounds like he just took the first opportunity he had; what's to stop him from doing that again? What am I doing? What should I do? I'm so indescribably sad and hurt.
Oh shit. I'm sorry for the rambling. Should I stay or should I go?

spond posted 5/8/2014 12:01 PM

((lucy17))

I'm sure most of us are afraid of being hurt again, I know that I am. The betrayal of an A is unfathomable but we need to be able to look at ourselves and say "I will be ok and if I get hurt again, I will be fine without WS."

How is your spouse been when you trigger?
Do you talk to him when they happen?
Does he SHOW you that he is remorseful, committed to the marriage and trustworthy?

Should I stay or should I go?

That would depend on YOU.

If you want something to read, that could help you heal, you might try...

Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment

by Steven Stosny

I have listened to it, but I would suggest the book version as there are some written exercises that are suggested.

rachelc posted 5/8/2014 12:10 PM

Being lied to and not ever knowing.

confused615 posted 5/8/2014 12:12 PM

Just about everything.

hrtbrkn77 posted 5/8/2014 12:19 PM

from confused615

Just about everything.

Yup. That about covers it, but the good days/feelings are probably scariest right now. I'm afraid they're self-delusion.

knolls posted 5/8/2014 12:40 PM

Knowing that if this ever happened again that I would not live through it

But probably not a good day to answer DD is tomorrow. But to me this is the anniversary of DD. One year ago on this Thursday am I found the proof in black and white. I knew. But that am I found all the proof

Next week I may have a different answer. But this week has been hell

bionicgal posted 5/8/2014 13:15 PM

"Not right now. But I've counseled several couples where the man said he would never cheat again and the first time someone gave him some extra attention he did anyway. There are no guarantees. You have to ask yourself if you can live with that.
"

Ummm - how not helpful! When I asked the MC what he thought the odds of H cheating again were, he told me. He didn't put it back on me. He should be able to judge from what he's seen, and of course we all know there are no guarantees in life.

Secondly, the whiplash thing happens to all of us. I know when I have time where I completely forget about the affair, that when I am reminded it can feel like hitting a big, painful brick wall.

And, you are swinging from not knowing if you should renew vows to staying or going? That is a big jump, right? I don't know your reasoning for wanting to renew your vows this soon - is it in public, or private? For public, my personal instinct is to wait -- not because you aren't sure of him, but because it is so dang early yet. You'll look back in 10 years and realize that 10 months was nothing! Or, if it is a private thing, maybe it would be healing? Maybe it would make you feel closer? How does your H feel? It is, after all, for both of you -- and not a litmus test.

I am also in affair season, about 6 weeks from dday. It suuuuuuucks. It hurts. I hurt, and I am mad, and then, out of the blue, something wonderful happens. Try to hang on. Don't pressure yourself; you don't have to get it all figured out right now.

Stillhurt123 posted 5/8/2014 13:26 PM

You're still in your first year. So I think you need to give yourself a bit of a break. The first year is full of fight or flight moments. The second year is almost harder because you realize you have to ACTUALLY live with this...

There are no guarantees. For me, I know I will NEVER hurt like that again.

I know what my FWH is capable of, will he do it again? God I hope not, but I will never know. If he does, then eventually I will find out and I will leave (my deal breaker).

In year 1, I actually visualized finding out my FWH cheated again, visualized packing up all my stuff, where I'd go, how I'd manage the kids, doing my finances. I did it all. So that way if it ever happened, I'd just have to hit the replay button. That gave me a LOT of comfort. I'm 100% in my marriage, but as they say, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Good luck!

sisoon posted 5/8/2014 13:28 PM

Gently, lucy17, did this counselor know both of you? For how long? IMO, he had to know both of you pretty well to make a prediction - and no matter how well he knows you, he's human, and human beings don't make long term predictions very well.

I think you're asking the impossible. Very few people can heal from being betrayed in 9-10 months. Even fewer can heal from being a betrayer in that short a period.

Trying to speed up the process usually slows it down. The only way to avoid dealing with the grief, rage, and terror of being betrayed is to rugsweep - and that stuffs the feelings and lets them fester.

Do yourself a real favor - slow down. Feel your feelings. Let them go. Observe your H. Work with him to R if he deserves you.

hopefull77 posted 5/8/2014 19:49 PM

Everything stillhurts says is true...1st year is all about survival...at 18 months out it is all about reality..I remember asking my IC can we survive this? Her answer was an absolute YES...I know we will survive..HE knows we will survive...I know this much about myself...where I am today...I'm gone if this happens again...I want to believe with all my heart it WONT happen again...but that being said I feel that the WORK we are doing ....and boy is it hard...has changed who we are...I could not be here if my H wasn't putting in 200%....he truly does not ever want to be 'that person' ever again....our relationship is better than ever and our faith in God AND each other is why I can move forward...with baby steps...and there are twists and turns for sure but I personally realize life is way too short and I appreciate everyday farther out from that miserable day in November and the 2 years of his A

hopefull77 posted 5/8/2014 19:52 PM

Ps...fear is what I felt for those 2 years...I don't want to ever feel that fear again....
I wish you peace

Chinadoll30 posted 5/9/2014 06:19 AM

My H also said that about his AP being the first opportunity he had to cheat. But that was bc prior to her he kept healthy boundaries and never got into that situation. So it was the first time he created an opportunity. A little different.

Branca posted 5/9/2014 08:02 AM

Awww. Bless. I think your mixed up feelings are normal.

In year 1, I actually visualized finding out my FWH cheated again, visualized packing up all my stuff, where I'd go, how I'd manage the kids, doing my finances. I did it all. So that way if it ever happened, I'd just have to hit the replay button. That gave me a LOT of comfort. I'm 100% in my marriage, but as they say, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I think this is a good idea and I have been doing this visualising too. Hope for the best, and give 'the best' every opportunity to come to fruition. That means we won't have any regrets about the part we played in this tragedy. We gave it our best shot.

But, prepare for the worst. So that if, beyond our control, the worst eventuates, we will know what to do. We will protect ourselves and will not consent to being taken for granted or abused any more.

Scubachick posted 5/9/2014 13:01 PM

I'm afraid I'll never truly forgive him

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