I am not yet ready to declare that WH and I are in R, and not yet willing to put that “F” in front of his name to signify that his betrayals and lies are done. However, I do believe that he is truly remorseful, and I recognize that he is working hard to fix what he broke. So I am taking a bold step – at least it feels pretty bold to me! – and posting here, on this very hopeful forum, knowing he will read it.
One of the ways WH protects me and helps me to heal is to have no contact with any of his former OWs, and to share with me every time they attempt to contact him. We delete unwanted voice and e-mail together. He has given me all the passwords to everything, and I poke around freely on his computer and his phone. He calls from work to announce that he is leaving, and then arrives home on time. He takes selfies with signage behind him or other people in the photos. He is transparent, showing me that he will be where he says he will, doing what he says he will, when and with whom.
WH is seeing an IC to help him fix what is broken inside him so that he does not ever use sex as a drug again. He took the initiative to get us into MC, where he also does the necessary work. He reads about and researches his FOO issues, and reads and posts on SI re: ways to help fix the BW that he damaged. He has written me a timeline detailing every betrayal, and has answered every question I have asked, even when I’ve asked it for the 14th time.
WH weathers the storms of my tears and my anger, and holds me while I shake and cry. He is kind, and so very gentle, especially when I’m crashing. This is very different than the shutting down and walking away that was typical before. He is sorry he hurt me, and grieves for the relationship that we had and lost, and for the person I used to be who is now lost to him. He is working to be authentic and vulnerable. He demonstrates his love, and lets me know in ways big and small that he will do whatever he can for me, whether I choose to stay with him or not.
WH seems convinced that all of the good that he and I once shared – the deep love, the friendship, the mutual support, the passion and the silly affection is all still there waiting for us, and he is working hard to reclaim it, even though I can’t yet. He tells me that we have the opportunity to end this crisis much stronger and happier than we started, although it will take a lot of work and time. He holds hope for us, even on the days when I am so angry and hurt and broken that I can’t possibly do so.
These are steps that my WH is taking to help me heal. What does your BS do to help you?