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krsplat posted 5/8/2014 12:04 PM

I am not yet ready to declare that WH and I are in R, and not yet willing to put that F in front of his name to signify that his betrayals and lies are done. However, I do believe that he is truly remorseful, and I recognize that he is working hard to fix what he broke. So I am taking a bold step at least it feels pretty bold to me! and posting here, on this very hopeful forum, knowing he will read it.

One of the ways WH protects me and helps me to heal is to have no contact with any of his former OWs, and to share with me every time they attempt to contact him. We delete unwanted voice and e-mail together. He has given me all the passwords to everything, and I poke around freely on his computer and his phone. He calls from work to announce that he is leaving, and then arrives home on time. He takes selfies with signage behind him or other people in the photos. He is transparent, showing me that he will be where he says he will, doing what he says he will, when and with whom.

WH is seeing an IC to help him fix what is broken inside him so that he does not ever use sex as a drug again. He took the initiative to get us into MC, where he also does the necessary work. He reads about and researches his FOO issues, and reads and posts on SI re: ways to help fix the BW that he damaged. He has written me a timeline detailing every betrayal, and has answered every question I have asked, even when Ive asked it for the 14th time.

WH weathers the storms of my tears and my anger, and holds me while I shake and cry. He is kind, and so very gentle, especially when Im crashing. This is very different than the shutting down and walking away that was typical before. He is sorry he hurt me, and grieves for the relationship that we had and lost, and for the person I used to be who is now lost to him. He is working to be authentic and vulnerable. He demonstrates his love, and lets me know in ways big and small that he will do whatever he can for me, whether I choose to stay with him or not.

WH seems convinced that all of the good that he and I once shared the deep love, the friendship, the mutual support, the passion and the silly affection is all still there waiting for us, and he is working hard to reclaim it, even though I cant yet. He tells me that we have the opportunity to end this crisis much stronger and happier than we started, although it will take a lot of work and time. He holds hope for us, even on the days when I am so angry and hurt and broken that I cant possibly do so.

These are steps that my WH is taking to help me heal. What does your BS do to help you?

spond posted 5/8/2014 12:26 PM

That's GREAT news krsplat!!
My fWW eventually came around (after a brief false R) and did most of the same as your WH.
- She got into IC, which was going to be rough for her, because of a CSA and she never dealt with it back then. She now has nightmares almost every night from reliving the CSA.
- She found a SUPER MC.
- She ACTS remorseful and trust worthy, most of the time.
- She attended retrouvaille, even though she was very anxious about it.
- I have 100% access to everything.
- If she has contact with fAP, she tells me about it. (they work for the same company and she still has work contact with him)
- She opens up to me about things that she wouldn't have back around the A.

Skan posted 5/8/2014 20:28 PM

Good job, Mr. Kersplat!

I think that the biggest thing that my FWH does right now, at almost the 2 year mark, is to continue to hold me and answer anything that I ask. He also, which is just as big, opens up to me with what HE needs, how he's feeling, and when things get triggery for him. At this point in time, it's the 2-way conversations and opening up that mean the world to me.

learningtofeel posted 5/8/2014 22:19 PM

krsplat, your post brings tears to my eyes. I hope Mr. krsplat sees this and can know your faith in him. Way to go both of you.

TheBestMe posted 5/9/2014 06:50 AM

You've come a long way baby

tushnurse posted 5/9/2014 09:46 AM

That is what I love to see here.
When we as BS's stand up and make the demands we need. To find our voice, and to see that our WS's get it.

This is a long path to walk, and it definitely will have some trip ups, but you seem to both finally be getting it right.

That makes me so happy for you. You deserve happiness, you deserve respect, and most of all, you deserve a spouse that treats you like the queen you are.

(((and strength)))

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