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What the hell am I doing?

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Support1107 posted 5/8/2014 13:20 PM

For whatever reason, I get these overwhelming sensation of what the hell are you doing? I always made it clear that infidelity was a dealbreaker for me and yet here I am attempting a reconciliation. I do recognize now that every situation is unique and there is way more gray than pure black and white when it comes to relationships.

My WS was on prescription pills that made him feel like superman and took away all of his emotions (yes manic is the word). I know this as I watched it along with my kids but it doesn't change the fact that he was on POF and talking with all kinds of women online or the fact that he had sex with a random person once (so I'm told).

I have no way of validating most of his crap because he deleted his google accounts and they are no longer recoverable. This drives me crazy! I know he doesn't remember some things but I don't believe that he doesn't remember ANYTHING! I'm attempting reconciliation but it hasn't been easy. He has done the right things, gone to IC, retrovaille, shows remorse, etc. but I still think sometimes WTH am I doing? IDK what normal is anymore.

Dday:9/13/13 online crap exposed
Dday:10/16/13 ONS (supposedly but who knows)

jj21 posted 5/8/2014 15:44 PM

You are not alone support1107.

I ask myself that question on a regular basis - WTH am I doing? And I don't know the answer. I guess I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances.

I made it clear that it was a dealbreaker for me too, and yet here I am. And I'm sure many others would say the same. You just don't know until you're in the situation. And you're right - they are all unique.

I don't think any of us know what normal is anymore. It's up to us to figure out and decide what our new normals should be. It's tough. It sucks. Just hang on to the hope that we'll get to normal again eventually.

I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you'e not alone.

doggiediva posted 5/8/2014 15:52 PM

You are not alone..Your WH should know , whether it be by his own insights or from you telling him/showing him, that he can't take your gift of R for granted...

mchercheur posted 5/8/2014 15:57 PM

It WAS a dealbreaker for me in my first marriage---but there were no kids involved in that situation.
This time, I'm not just making the decision for me----there are our 4 kids to consider. So, I am trying to hold it together, at least until they are launched. WH has until then (3 1/2 years) to really prove himself to me.

Chinadoll30 posted 5/9/2014 08:36 AM

My fear is that he finally showed me who he really is, and I can't accept it. Because who wants to accept they they've been married to a monster for 10 years? He's in IC, swears he wants to grow, but what if that selfish egotistical monster is just who he is?

steadfast1973 posted 5/9/2014 08:52 AM

Oh, yeah... DDAY2 was supposed to be the end... Before he confessed... I saw two red flags... and it was enough... I didn't even care to confirm or confront... just wait until the basketball season was over, and my coaching contract was up, and leave while he was at work, without so much as a note... That was the plan, anyway. Then, he came home an hour after leaving for work the next day, sobbing, confessing... and I was in shock... Not because he cheated... I already knew it... but... he confessed... to everything... all of the stuff he lied about, covered up from dday1, porn use, emails, foo issues... all of it... just dropped every inch of shame at my feet, told me was willing to do anything and everything I asked, handed me his house keys, and a list of all of his passwords, and went back to work. While I stood there, mouth agape. I call it the day, he walked in, threw a tornado at me, then walked back out.

AppalachianGal posted 5/9/2014 08:54 AM

I ask myself the same thing almost daily. Mine, too, was on prescribed medication (antidepressant, Celexa) and was in a psychotic stupor when he had his whatever the hell it was with the co-worker in 2010. He did all kinds of things that he does not remember. He was totally out of his mind. Once taken off that med, he's been completely different.

BUT, the ONS from 1993, did not have a psych medication to excuse it away. It did occur in a bar, so drinking was involved, but..... He's also apparently never believed I loved him and always flirted and fished, so to speak, with others.

This is SO HARD. He swears he's changed, he's committed to being a better man, he no longer wants to hurt me, he wants us to be happy. Yet, he doesn't really want to dig deep and talk about anything.

I hate my life, my marriage. I truly do. Its become a nightmare and here I sit, wallowing in it.

steadfast1973 posted 5/9/2014 09:06 AM

yeah... his "friends" told him I only wanted him for his money... his money... when half of our expenditures came from MY trust fund.

At the time, all of his "friends" were questionable women... including EAP and a serial OW. Truth be told, after dday2, I discovered he had had EAs with all of them... and that he had made out with serial OW before we were married, while were broken up... and he was dating her best friend... (our relationship is a long backwards, confusing story...)

sisoon posted 5/9/2014 09:21 AM

Being betrayed is a topic in novels, movies, TV, radio plays - we pretty much can't grow up without being 'taught' how to respond, and that makes it easier to think, 'I know what it is, I know my options, and I know I'll pick this option if it happens to me.

Based on what I've read in forums filled with BSes, being betrayed is a MUCH bigger trauma than anything in any media tells us. In fact, if any medium portrayed a BS's response accurately, we'd probably reject it with the idea that the person portrayed was 'way weaker or less mature than I am.'

In actuality, for most of us, the devastation is far worse than we'd ever imagine, we're unprepared, and what we thought we'd do just isn't relevant any more.

Being betrayed dumps in dangerous, uncharted territory with no maps and no resources other than our own head, hearts, and guts.

tushnurse posted 5/9/2014 09:41 AM

I too was always the first one to say if he were to ever cheat, I am done. But I too found that when he did, I had to really reevaluate the whole damn thing.
I struggled with "I am I the weak one for choosing R" "Have I lost my mind" "Why am I allowing myself to even give R a chance"

And with each of those questions I realized that choosing to R was the brave thing to do, that allowing a second chance at our M was not only a good thing but could result in a great thing, if done right. I lastly realized that even if I had lost my mind, I was doing what I wanted. Forget what I said before.

I did R under MY terms and conditions.
I did find my voice (which I lost somewhere along the way)again, and was able to call him out on each and every piece of what I deemed to bullshit along the way.
I did make sure that H did the hard work.

End result? A stronger, yes stronger , happier marriage, where our kids see parents that respect, love, and care for one another.
At the end of the day I can say I happy with the choices I made.

It takes time to get here, but man it's been worth it.

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