My WS was on prescription pills that made him feel like superman and took away all of his emotions (yes manic is the word). I know this as I watched it along with my kids but it doesn't change the fact that he was on POF and talking with all kinds of women online or the fact that he had sex with a random person once (so I'm told).
I have no way of validating most of his crap because he deleted his google accounts and they are no longer recoverable. This drives me crazy! I know he doesn't remember some things but I don't believe that he doesn't remember ANYTHING! I'm attempting reconciliation but it hasn't been easy. He has done the right things, gone to IC, retrovaille, shows remorse, etc. but I still think sometimes WTH am I doing? IDK what normal is anymore.
Dday:9/13/13 online crap exposed
Dday:10/16/13 ONS (supposedly but who knows)
I ask myself that question on a regular basis - WTH am I doing? And I don't know the answer. I guess I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances.
I made it clear that it was a dealbreaker for me too, and yet here I am. And I'm sure many others would say the same. You just don't know until you're in the situation. And you're right - they are all unique.
I don't think any of us know what normal is anymore. It's up to us to figure out and decide what our new normals should be. It's tough. It sucks. Just hang on to the hope that we'll get to normal again eventually.
I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you'e not alone.
BUT, the ONS from 1993, did not have a psych medication to excuse it away. It did occur in a bar, so drinking was involved, but..... He's also apparently never believed I loved him and always flirted and fished, so to speak, with others.
This is SO HARD. He swears he's changed, he's committed to being a better man, he no longer wants to hurt me, he wants us to be happy. Yet, he doesn't really want to dig deep and talk about anything.
I hate my life, my marriage. I truly do. Its become a nightmare and here I sit, wallowing in it.
At the time, all of his "friends" were questionable women... including EAP and a serial OW. Truth be told, after dday2, I discovered he had had EAs with all of them... and that he had made out with serial OW before we were married, while were broken up... and he was dating her best friend... (our relationship is a long backwards, confusing story...)
Based on what I've read in forums filled with BSes, being betrayed is a MUCH bigger trauma than anything in any media tells us. In fact, if any medium portrayed a BS's response accurately, we'd probably reject it with the idea that the person portrayed was 'way weaker or less mature than I am.'
In actuality, for most of us, the devastation is far worse than we'd ever imagine, we're unprepared, and what we thought we'd do just isn't relevant any more.
Being betrayed dumps in dangerous, uncharted territory with no maps and no resources other than our own head, hearts, and guts.
And with each of those questions I realized that choosing to R was the brave thing to do, that allowing a second chance at our M was not only a good thing but could result in a great thing, if done right. I lastly realized that even if I had lost my mind, I was doing what I wanted. Forget what I said before.
I did R under MY terms and conditions.
I did find my voice (which I lost somewhere along the way)again, and was able to call him out on each and every piece of what I deemed to bullshit along the way.
I did make sure that H did the hard work.
End result? A stronger, yes stronger , happier marriage, where our kids see parents that respect, love, and care for one another.
At the end of the day I can say I happy with the choices I made.
It takes time to get here, but man it's been worth it.