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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: Not wanting to celebrate Mother's Day
LdyD
♀ 42870
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has asked me a few times what I would like to do for Mother's Day. I've told him each time that I would prefer to forget the day exists! That I never felt special and that I felt it was more for his mom than me. I'm not sure if it's because of a trigger or what.

Background: We always used to go out to eat with his mom for Mother's day. Last year it was the last one before she was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer a week later. I was her primary caregiver for 3 months before she passed away in August.

My WH started his EA in January 2013 only 2 months after his Aunt passed away (she was more of a mother figure than his own mother). The A turned into a PA 2 months after his mom died (right after our anniversary and during the month of November) he was sad that his mom wasn't alive to celebrate Thanksgiving with us at our house like always.
Instead of reaching out to me, he chose an A.

After D-day, I found out that he resented me for caring for his Mother, thinking I was only doing it out of 'marital obligation' and didn't think I was being genuinely sincere. (Who would subject themselves to the pain of caring for a dying relative out of obligation?)

Anyway, my WH said he really wants to celebrate Mother's day for me. (Sweet) but then he says...'I want to celebrate you, after all...you're the only mother I have left' (He doesn't see me as 'his' mom). But I feel like he only wants to celebrate it in honor of his mom, and not really about me.

He's been acting very remorseful and doing things for me that he's NEVER done before. He hasn't given me reason to feel this way recently. But perhaps I don't want to celebrate it because of his past resentment for my caring for his mom? Or perhaps because of my knowing he was in an A the whole time? I'm so confused and torn.

Any insight from BS or WS welcome!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42 (MisterBC)
D-Day #1: 2/16/14
D-Day #2: 11/20/14 (discovered lies he's told during false R)
TT and 9 months of False R
Married 12 years, Together 16 years
2 -DDs ages 11 & 13 1/2

Posts: 127 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
heartbrokeninaz
♀ 40779
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't feel like celebrating don't. Mother's day to me is more about my child doing things with me rather then my spouse. Although my DS is only 6 and can't really do anything to celebrate with me. If you feel comfortable maybe just a movie as a family? Or even stay home and BBQ. Take a bike ride all together. Just don't put to much thought or pressure into it.

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 3:16 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Sep 2013
LdyD
♀ 42870
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our oldest daughters 13th Birthday is tomorrow. To me, my children's birthdays are my Mother's day! After all... without them, I wouldn't be a mom!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42 (MisterBC)
D-Day #1: 2/16/14
D-Day #2: 11/20/14 (discovered lies he's told during false R)
TT and 9 months of False R
Married 12 years, Together 16 years
2 -DDs ages 11 & 13 1/2

Posts: 127 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
jj21
♀ 38992
Member # 38992
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to say for sure what his motivation is. But I wonder if there's a chance, that just maybe... what he really wants is the opportunity to celebrate and make you feel special? If he's remorseful and doing things for you that he's never done before, maybe this is one more of those things.

If you feel like he's being sincere, then why not allow yourself the chance to be spoiled for a change? (That's what happened last mother's day for me, and it was great!)

At the very least you should have a small celebration for your kids' sake. They might be upset that mom doesn't want to celebrate her special day.


Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But perhaps I don't want to celebrate it because of his past resentment for my caring for his mom? Or perhaps because of my knowing he was in an A the whole time? I'm so confused and torn.

Or perhaps you don't want to celebrate it because you are less than 3 months out from Dday. Your heart is filled with so much pain and disappointment right now that nothing seems like fun.

Whatever the reason, you have a right to feel the way that you do.

Why not spend the day doing something special with the two responsible for honoring you with the title of Mom...your two children?

If you think your girls will be bothered by the fact that their Dad is not included then do as jj21 suggested and ask your WH to plan a small celebration for when you and the girls return home.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
Tickingtock
♀ 41411
Member # 41411
Revenge  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After D-day, I found out that he resented me for caring for his Mother, thinking I was only doing it out of 'marital obligation' and didn't think I was being genuinely sincere.

Tell him you only want to celebrate Mother's Day if he's being sincere and not doing it out of marital obligation.


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with RidingHealingRd and part of me sees the logic of jj21 given your H's behavior but at the same time you are only 3 months out so being with him might not go over so well. It's always so hard to predict how we will feel on BIG occasions so soon after D-Day. I demolished Valentines Day in year one, but was able to celebrate it with my H a couple days later (same time frame as your Mother's Day).

Would be nice if you and your girls could do something you all enjoy - like a movie, a pedi, bike ride, shopping and then meet your H later for lunch or something. It can be a combo bday celebration with your daughter too.

But I do understand how difficult the "year of firsts" can be.


But perhaps I don't want to celebrate it because of his past resentment for my caring for his mom?

t/j: why did he resent you for caring for his Mom?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LdyD
♀ 42870
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j: why did he resent you for caring for his Mom?

Honestly, no idea! I even asked him if he was ok with it before I started to care for her and he 'thanked me' and said he needed help. but then after D-day he said he resented me for it because he didn't think I was sincere, just doing it out of marital obligation!

But anyway, I talked to him about my feelings and he said he really wants to celebrate it for me since he's (in his own words) treated me like shit and that I deserve better.

So, we'll go out for dinner, just not going to the restaurant that we used to go to. Starting a new tradition!


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 42 (MisterBC)
D-Day #1: 2/16/14
D-Day #2: 11/20/14 (discovered lies he's told during false R)
TT and 9 months of False R
Married 12 years, Together 16 years
2 -DDs ages 11 & 13 1/2

Posts: 127 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, no idea! I even asked him if he was ok with it before I started to care for her and he 'thanked me' and said he needed help. but then after D-day he said he resented me for it because he didn't think I was sincere, just doing it out of marital obligation!

This rubs me the wrong way. It doesnt make sense. Therefore it is likely not to be true. Is it possible he is grasping at straws to come up with a "reason" or 'why" for the Affair, when there really isn't one (other than him just being a pig)?

Maybe that is the root of the problem, that you have received a possibly-BS rationale.


Posts: 534 | Registered: Feb 2014
ICECOLD
♀ 40258
Member # 40258
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the camp of hang out with the kiddos!

+ im with ShiningAutumn8, his reasoning is bullshit. I think it might just be a crappy mental gymnastic rationalization to make sense of his affair.


"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit."

"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"

BS:47
WS:45
Kids

R: one foot in, and one foot out


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Atlanta GA
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to him about my feelings

^^^Pressing the "LIKE" button on this.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 11

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