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When/How do Waywards earn their "F"?

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4everfaithful83 posted 5/8/2014 17:22 PM

Title says it all...

When/How do Waywards earn their F's??

Lucky2HaveMe posted 5/8/2014 17:50 PM

That is purely an individual decision. For me, it was when I saw consistent, proven work & growth from him. And that took years, not months. I was very leery as I had 9mos of TT that marred the first year. Every time he would say "Swear to God there is nothing else..." but there was.

When it finally all came out, he hit bottom. He spent the next year in IC and a support group. He spent the the year recommitting to his family. He grew as a man, husband, dad, friend. That's when he earned his F.

7 years later, he is now *just* my H.

steadfast1973 posted 5/8/2014 18:40 PM

i can't wait until he's just H again!

We had gotten there, then he had relapsed, and became WH, again... He's earning the f. But it's scary. We are at a point where his remorse almost causes more anxiety than comfort... Because I am starting to trust... And it's scary to even consider! After 2 ddays, I am a little leery of allowing myself this trust...

brkn_heartd posted 5/8/2014 21:01 PM

My H earned his F about 2 years post Dday. It took a lot of effort on his part and I no longer was fearful of being hurt by him in the same way that he hurt me before. When I told him he earned and F and explained what I mean, he cried. He felt honored.

About 2 years after that, he lost his W. He is now just H. But once again, he had to continue to earn that. I do not hurt daily and feel safe most of the time. Without his work and dedication, he would not have lost it.

So...it is individual to each of us. I think your husband earns his F when you think he has earned it. ...an you believe he is now in "former" wayward status.

Good luck to you!

learningtofeel posted 5/8/2014 22:15 PM

We are only a little more than a year out, but Aboutdamntime has worked so hard and is so aware of himself and his actions that he earned his "f" about six months out. He REALLY REALLY REALLY wants a different way of life FOR HIMSELF. Conveniently, I win in that too, but this is really about how he finally wanted to become whole. He has taken such good care of me along the way, too. He encourages me to feel my feelings and share them with him. He wants to hear my pain and face it.

But that's us. Everyone on their own path, their own timetable.

Herkemeyer posted 5/9/2014 04:33 AM

I think I gave out the F way too early. It was about a year, then at 18 mos. more TT. I'm not really sure it matters. She is ultimately going to do what she wants regardless.

lordhasaplan? posted 5/9/2014 09:04 AM

Its not mine to give. Only she knew when she was a former Wayward. For me she is my W as soon as I was committed to reconciliation. I think a BS making the call on when someone's internal dialogue, old coping skills, and poor decision making are eradicated is impossible. At best we can see their actions and that only provides us a small glimpse into their real work. Leave the distribution of the F to the WS's. Their decisions when they give it to themselves can be an enlightening process in and of itself.

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