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Newest Member: Hurt1997 (61143)

User Topic: When/How do Waywards earn their "F"?
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Question  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Title says it all...

When/How do Waywards earn their F's??

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is purely an individual decision. For me, it was when I saw consistent, proven work & growth from him. And that took years, not months. I was very leery as I had 9mos of TT that marred the first year. Every time he would say "Swear to God there is nothing else..." but there was.

When it finally all came out, he hit bottom. He spent the next year in IC and a support group. He spent the the year recommitting to his family. He grew as a man, husband, dad, friend. That's when he earned his F.

7 years later, he is now *just* my H.

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 8472 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i can't wait until he's just H again!

We had gotten there, then he had relapsed, and became WH, again... He's earning the f. But it's scary. We are at a point where his remorse almost causes more anxiety than comfort... Because I am starting to trust... And it's scary to even consider! After 2 ddays, I am a little leery of allowing myself this trust...

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H earned his F about 2 years post Dday. It took a lot of effort on his part and I no longer was fearful of being hurt by him in the same way that he hurt me before. When I told him he earned and F and explained what I mean, he cried. He felt honored.

About 2 years after that, he lost his W. He is now just H. But once again, he had to continue to earn that. I do not hurt daily and feel safe most of the time. Without his work and dedication, he would not have lost it. is individual to each of us. I think your husband earns his F when you think he has earned it. you believe he is now in "former" wayward status.

Good luck to you!

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are only a little more than a year out, but Aboutdamntime has worked so hard and is so aware of himself and his actions that he earned his "f" about six months out. He REALLY REALLY REALLY wants a different way of life FOR HIMSELF. Conveniently, I win in that too, but this is really about how he finally wanted to become whole. He has taken such good care of me along the way, too. He encourages me to feel my feelings and share them with him. He wants to hear my pain and face it.

But that's us. Everyone on their own path, their own timetable.

M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♂ 36910
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I gave out the F way too early. It was about a year, then at 18 mos. more TT. I'm not really sure it matters. She is ultimately going to do what she wants regardless.

(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Transplanted to where I'm needed
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its not mine to give. Only she knew when she was a former Wayward. For me she is my W as soon as I was committed to reconciliation. I think a BS making the call on when someone's internal dialogue, old coping skills, and poor decision making are eradicated is impossible. At best we can see their actions and that only provides us a small glimpse into their real work. Leave the distribution of the F to the WS's. Their decisions when they give it to themselves can be an enlightening process in and of itself.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 7

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