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Newest Member: jaxonraine (61774)

User Topic: My "getting unstuck" plan
♀ 42195
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in such a crappy place for too long. I just really need to do something about it. I'll admit that I haven't been working on me as much as I should be. I've even let go of almost all of my normal, healthy habits. So I need to focus on that in a big way and see if I can unfunk myself.

I'm sharing here both so I can refer back, and so if anyone else needs ideas, or a push, maybe this will help.

Okay, the basics, but with specifics for me:

- Sleep - aim for at least 7 hours a night.
- Water - drink at least 2 liters a day.
- Food - fruits and veggies with every meal. Don't go more than 4 hours without eating.
- Exercise - at least 30 minutes every day, even if it's just taking a stroll with my kids.

Now, the less basic. These are just ideas I want to try and incorporate. Maybe not all at once, and maybe I'll ditch some if they aren't working for me. We'll see.

- Yoga and/or meditation - even if I can manage just a few minutes in the evening, to relax and help me sleep a little better.
- Gratitude journal - keep track of 3 things I can be thankful for, every day.
- Read - for fun. Not something infidelity-related or self-help.
- Read - keep looking for new techniques to try for getting myself out of the downward spiral I seem to keep falling into. Maybe find a mantra that will help me.
- Focus - practice bringing my focus back to the present - with my kids, my own projects, the positive aspects of my marriage.
- Spend some time outside, every day.
- Volunteer. Take the focus off of my own life for awhile.
- IC - I know I know....I should have been doing this all along. Instead, H has been in IC, and we've been in MC. But I know IC would probably help me.
- Write down why I've decided to stay and work on my marriage.

Okay, I'm sure there are many more ideas out there. If you have any to add, please do! I'm just at a place where I know I have to get back to my life a bit more, and I'm willing to do whatever I can to find a healthy me again.

DDay 10/23/13

Me 42, he 44
3 kids

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing this, Zengirl. I may have to take your lead and make a plan for myself at some point!

I think you've covered all the basics and then some. If it was me I might have to bring in changes gradually, because sometimes setting a whole lot of new habits at once can seem overwhelming.

Let us know how you go, we're cheering for you!

Me: BW, 39
Him: WH, 39
Married 15 years
2 children aged 11 and 8

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - A lack of boundaries for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 8th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this! What a positive thing!

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 38846
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love it too. Seems full and complete as is. I shared it with my wife and she started crying when she got to "read for fun". Been a long time since she's done that.

Thanks for this post Zen, and I hope these things help you get unstuck.

Me: BH, 56
Her: WW, 56 5+ yr LTA
Married 34 yrs, 2 DS
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - OBS phone call
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - TT, length of affair 1.5 yrs longer than admitted.
Trying to understand

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
♀ 42555
Member # 42555
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Zengirl this is a really positive plan! Why not keep a journal on her - daily/weekly updates on your progress and how you are sticking to your plan.. I for one would find it interesting to follow your progress. I'm also going to take some of your ideas and use them! x

Me - BS (39)
Him - WS (41)

D day 9/9/2013

DS - 7 & DS - 5


Posts: 157 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
♀ 42195
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. I like the weekly update plan! So far, this really does seem to be helping me - the last 4-5 days have been the first stretch in a very long time where I didn't feel just miserable.

I've been pretty consistent about some things, and the others are a work in progress. I think the things that have been most helpful to me so far are: sleep, exercise, spending time outside, and the gratitude journal.

I hope some of you are finding some relief in some of these reminders, too!

DDay 10/23/13

Me 42, he 44
3 kids

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great plan, Zengirl. Good for you!

Sleep. So key, eh? (I don't just speak Canadian, I write it too!)

Grat. Journal: I have not done this in a while but I do have two books upstairs full from this exercise the early years of our M. It is truly amazing that when you look back at the journal, it is not the big, grand moments that stand out, but the simple things that give us joy - like getting all the green lights, or coffee with a friend or the way your child smiles at you.

I missed my yoga class today but just did a few moves to get me going. One other thing I love is volunteering once/week at my kids' school. Kids just make me laugh with their random thoughts. They really live in the moment!

Let us know how you are doing as the weeks continue.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 37741
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is wonderful Zengirl... Thanks so much for sharing! I have done something similar over the past 18 months and I find that I can stay committed to it for a while and it works but then I will get off course and discouraged enough to drop it all for a while only to start over again. For this reason, I think the weekly updates would be enormously helpful! Wishing you all the best of luck and sending lots of positive energy your way!!!

BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12, 2/24/12... quit counting most recent 4/19/17 all pre DDay but no end to TT
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/pas

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 40567
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd love to hear what's working for EVERYONE!

Ironically, I re-started reading for pleasure after DDay. I hadn't pleasure read for a while. It was a lovely way to get "out of my head", except some books involved infidelity, and that was tough. One book I just bailed on...sorry Philip Roth!

Meditation recently gotten more attention as to the health benefits.

I also recently promised myself to play with my dog and cat more. Talk about a health benefit!!

BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think something that got me "stuck" early on was this feeling that I was somehow degrading myself by staying with this man who betrayed me so profoundly. My pride was screaming for me to leave, to kick him to the curb, to "show him."

I knew it would be to both of our detriment if I did break up the marriage, but that feminist voice kept telling me, "You are a fool. You are weak and are letting some guy who treated you like yesterdays trash stay here."

That voice sometimes would drown out my good sense. So I had a mantra, an answer to that voice really, that I literally would say out loud over and over until it calmed me down. It was short.

"I can leave anytime I want. I can leave anytime I want.."

Somehow that one little sentence gave me my dignity back. It allowed me to work through one more day and see how it goes.

It is hard when infidelity breaks up your marriage, but I think staying with a person who has cheated is just as hard if not harder. I am still tussling a bit with my pride, but I know that I made the right decision to stay.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 30213
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC talked to me at every session about finding my own joy in life. That was one thing she thought was really important for me...I was in a really crappy place at the time and have since incorporated many of the things you mentioned into my life and backslid on some with bad effects. After 4 years, this resonates with me though b/c I still am stuck with the confidence issue and having control of my life.

"I can leave anytime I want. I can leave anytime I want.."

Really important to me now to have plans/goals...for myself...that are independent of ours together as a (I am approaching retirement and looking at part time new career experience. I think I am sort of reinventing myself while trying to hold on regain the "old me."

You go Zengirl! Yoga is on my list to try too.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 30213
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage my age...LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS!

Posts: 722 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love your plan. I think I might join you in this!

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 22yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 13

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