Please bear with me as this will be a long one - I'm feeling conflicted and I would like to hear 'the collective wisdom of SI'.
WH and I grew up two different countries. We lived in my country (a small, affluent country) until 2011. During this time, we always planned to move to his country (a small, third-world country). We bought a house, had two kids, and worked really hard to pay off the mortgage fast so that we could move to WH's country and start a new life there, and so the kids would also know their dad's heritage and culture.
We sold all our belongings and rented out our house, and moved in 2011 to where we are now. It has had its ups and downs, but overall been great for the kids to know their dad's family and so on. In the last year, we made the decision to move back to my country (planned for June 2015) because unfortunately the schools here are terrible and we decided we owed it to our kids to give them a better education than what is here. Still, we've had going on 3 years here and that's been good.
Then came D-day #1! caught WH red handed with flirty FB chats with a woman who he once kissed as a teenager. I guess they had unfinished business.
Then came D-day #2, 7 months later. This was another EA which crossed into physical (a couple of kisses, if he is to be believed) which occurred over a period of months in 2011. That was the year I was working my butt off to make OUR dream a reality (moving to his country).
I have a pre-existing health condition, a hormone imbalance, which affects my menstrual cycle, in particular terrible PMS. I have found it hard to access appropriate treatment (and dietary measures) in this country, but prior to D-days I was accepting that I'd just live with it until we moved back to my country, where better help is available.
Since D-Days, I have really struggled. I am not myself. I am feeling terrible as a parent as I'm often too tired to be pro-active in parenting. I feel my health issues have worsened. My coping ability is shot. I think many of you know how this feels.
My dilemma is really about if I should leave this place ahead of schedule to go somewhere I can get better support, medical care and also counseling. The kids will also immediately go into better schools, which is good for them.
But WH and I had this plan to go in June 2015, which included a special 3 week holiday in New York with a friend, which we were all looking forward to. If we went early, this could not happen, so it would be disappointing but I'd get the support I need sooner.
Also, my dream of being here (and all the things we hoped to accomplish) is kind of dead to me now.
Just today I raised the issue with WH that I am thinking of leaving sooner. He was quite upset at this thought, but acknowledged that this situation we find ourselves in is his fault, so he basically said he knows he has to accept my choice - he won't try to make me stay longer if I don't want to.
But he feels strongly that he needs to spend longer here with his aging parents - they are one of the reasons we came here, to support them. So now we're looking at the option of separation, with the intention that he'd join us a few months later.
So we have a couple of options.
1. I wait and stick it out here for another year, try to start our R with online help (no face to face counseling), possibly buy recommended books online. Then move in June 2015 as originally planned, and have our NY holiday on the way. Our daughter will have to suck up horrible school in the meantime.
2. I make arrangements to leave as soon as practicable (likely August 2014) and take the kids with me. I will be able to access counseling and medical care, and the support of my parents, but I will also be a solo parent for a few months as WH has said the earliest he's willing to leave his parents would be January 2015. No family holiday in NY.
If I leave early, it means I get to escape a lot of the tying up of loose ends from our work and projects here, which WH will have to do. He can cope. I feel it would be fair for him to have to deal with it. The aftermath of what he caused.
The kids would miss him. I wonder if the separation might do us some good (we'd still be in touch online) or if it would set our R back. It might give me some time and space to process my feelings and also for us to communicate thoughtfully in writing a lot more.
Sorry for the short novel I've put you through (if you've got this far)... my feelings are telling me I just wanna get out of here, and away from this horrible phase of my life, but I'm not sure whether to trust that. Probably as D-Day recedes into the past I will calm down and cope better.
So, any thoughts from someone who's thinking clearer than me?Me: BW, 37
Him: WH, 37
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5
DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R