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Paranoid or underground and secretive

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Sleepy312 posted 5/9/2014 09:18 AM

My supposed fwh spout off his gmail password to me recently and he talks the talk that he's an open book because he got ripped apart on a different board, but it seems he's taken almost all of his communications off of gmail which used to be his primary connection to people.

I did see he's using the messenger app on his phone. I don't have access to his phone where I could really go through it. I suppose I could just do it in front of him but I wouldn't know what to look for.

I have software on his computer but I haven't checked it in a couple of weeks. I noticed a change last night and asked if he'd started looking at porn again(it was obvious he has), and he said not really just a couple of times which I know isn't the truth. He's incapable of full truth.

I guess my question is am I being paranoid or are my instincts telling me he is hiding something? He'd go so far as to hide inappropriate conversations with a male friend because he knows I was pissed about him talking to that guy about the hot 24yo receptionist doing yoga.

I don't think he's screwing around but maybe being disrespectful to me in his "buddy" conversations, and he knows I will cut and run at any time.

If I'm looking for something what am I looking for?

steadfast1973 posted 5/9/2014 09:21 AM

He's hiding something.

Sleepy312 posted 5/9/2014 09:28 AM

I know, but what is the question. I'm thinking it's likely something stupid or the porn, but I don't know how to go about the snooping to figure it out.

nekonamida posted 5/9/2014 09:31 AM

If I'm looking for something what am I looking for?

Google the name of the messenger app and get a feel for what kind of app this is and how it may work so that you can hopefully look at his messages. Messenger apps are tricky because they use data and can't be traced on a phone bill. If you don't think you're tech savvy enough to do a phone check without him present, plan a completely random time when you are both free to sit down with his phone in hand and ask him to help you look at his messages. If he's such an open book with you otherwise, this should be fine, right? Unless he is hiding something. If he refuses, I would take that as strike two for infidelity and start contacting a lawyer. There should be no reason for him to refuse unless there is a bunch of stuff he really does not want you to see in there. Even if it's inappropriate guy talk - that is likely a fixable offense with a talk and some boundary setting. Another A? Not so much. I wouldn't just chalk it up to guy talk if he gives you grief about the phone check.

trumanshow posted 5/9/2014 09:40 AM

He's incapable of full truth.


If this is true-you'll always be paranoid, and rightly so

Sleepy312 posted 5/9/2014 09:50 AM

Crap. I just looked at the phone bill. There are no texts on the bill since May 1, so he's clearly using other apps like the FB messenger app. Fuck my head is spinning. I was just starting to get to a good place.

KatieG posted 5/9/2014 10:03 AM

Do you know his FB password? All the messages will be stored there as well.

Sleepy312 posted 5/9/2014 10:14 AM

I did get into FB but it alerted him that the account had been accessed from a different computer so I can only do it on his phone or computer which he keeps with him all the time.

LifeIsTooWeird posted 5/9/2014 13:02 PM

Just a word of caution about accessing facebook any computer or phone. Be aware that there's an account security setting that shows the user what sessions they have and when they were last logged on to. As in it shows if it was a personal computer browser or mobile device session and the date and time it was last accessed. Your waywards may not be aware of this, Facebook is tricky, I stumbled on this by accident one day. You can close all sessions by going into the security section - active sessions, at least that's how to get to it on a phone, it may be different on the computer.

[This message edited by LifeIsTooWeird at 1:03 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

Furious1 posted 5/9/2014 13:13 PM

I don't know if he is hiding anything or not. What struck me most is that he is not actively trying to rebuild the trust that he destroyed. He is not being an open book with you. He is not volunteering information. Instead, he waits until you ask and then isn't completely forthcoming in his responses.

Yeah, this would bother me big time. Besides talking the talk, what is he actually doing to try to repair the damage he has done? Actions count more than words.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/9/2014 13:16 PM

Using the computer, facebook and texting on their cells is so last year.

Most of them are using different free apps now that you can download and use to talk, text and chat and it doesn't get recorded on your cell bill. Of course he gave you his gmail password - why use email when all these great apps let you do whatever you want without leaving a trail? That's why he has no texts on the bill and that's why he's so free with his Gmail, now.

I know there are tons of apps out there, but lately I've been seeing a commercial on TV for a free app called "Line." You get free calling, texting, video-chatting, etc. etc. etc. And that's just ONE of the many out there.

He's hiding something, alright.


.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:17 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

justinpaintoday posted 5/9/2014 13:22 PM

doesn't sound good. I say go with your gut

AppalachianGal posted 5/9/2014 13:23 PM

Seems the going thing now is something called Kik. Look it up. Its a phone app that you text with. It just keeps getting easier and easier for these waywards.

7yrsflushed posted 5/9/2014 13:43 PM

My supposed fwh spout off his gmail password to me recently
He is not a fwh, he is a WH. If he isn't actively walking up to you and showing you his phone and anything else you need to feel safe then he is still in the wayward mindset. Your posts reads as if you are in secret detective mode. If you can walk up to him explain how you feel, ask him to give you any and all passwords to everything, and he provides it then you "might" be okay. Just from reading your post it's obvious he IS hiding something and that would have been enough for me to file.

You should NOT be walking on eggshells. You shouldn't have to look for anything. If he valued you or your M he would be bending over backwards to show you that he is in fact doing NOTHING wrong. He should willingly bring you his phone without you asking. The messenger app being on the phone is a big red flag imo.

Jbluebird posted 5/9/2014 13:48 PM

I you have his Gmail I would suggest going to google.com/dashboard and then enter in his Gmail & password. U can see all the apps he has, view his contacts, Google searches Web history (anything that isn't viewed on incognito mode) and lots more... I've found lots that way.

Christy516 posted 5/9/2014 13:54 PM

I got very savvy at checking his phone. Go to system setting (under main menu, usually the button on the phone that is a lot of lines) then go to apps from that menu. A list of apps will come up usually arranged in catagories (all aps, downloaded, and running) . You can look at the down loaded apps for any of the messaging apps out there. If you click on it you can see the "cashe". If you clear that to zero it won't effect how it runs then next time you check you can see if it is storing more than zero. That will let you know which one he is using.
When my H was insisting that the A was over but i suspected it wasn't i also used a spy app on his phone. Easy to install and not very expensive. There are many on line to choose from. I intercepted texts between them the very next day (sent right to my phone). I was comfortable going to this extreme, some may not be. I'm not sure if it captures messages from these apps or not so you'll have to look carefully at the descriptions if you decide to go that route. But most do show you websites visited including email accounts and emails sent and received as well as texts, etc. Just a word of caution- you must have access to his phone to install. There are companies that advertise" remote installation" . They do not work and are a waste of money.
I do have to agree that transparency is not present if he is finding ways around it, "innocent activities" or not. I'm sorry you are here. I remember well how that felt. Hugs to you.

Sleepy312 posted 5/9/2014 15:10 PM

Checked the Google Dashboard. Nothing alarming. He's cleaned out gmail very well. I think I will need to tap into his phone and check his computer this weekend.

In this whole f*cked up situation we are buying a house, and he knows that I will file at any moment, but he's like a kid in a candy shop right now because he's getting everything he wants by living here, so I think he is slowly slipping back into that old mode when he was actively hiding everything.

He says he told me everything. He says he's trying to change. He does do things around here that he didn't used to do, but like I told him it's an act he can only keep up for so long and he did crack and show his true colors a few weeks ago.

Why can't I just leave? Why why why why? It makes me hate myself that I can't resolve this to a place I am content. I can't see being happy without him, and I can't imagine living life fully paranoid. When I chose not to be paranoid and ignore the obvious for years it all came back to bite me in the ass and here I am.Ugh.

hopelesslydvoted posted 5/9/2014 15:31 PM

I can't see being happy without him,

That's right as faithful spouse we don't see ourselves with anyone else. We didn't have the A. They did; they already had somebody else that was making them happy. As a faithful one I can't imagine life without him, happy without him or in love without him. That's probably why I never had an A.

But everyone says you take care of yourself and one day you will be happy again. It sounds good to me

nekonamida posted 5/9/2014 15:36 PM

Think about how your M has been since D-Day. Make no mistake about it. This is your M now and in to the future. Everything before that in your M is now over and an entirely different M altogether. Now think about taking all the pain and anger in your current M and having it be gone. Wouldn't you feel so relieved? Wouldn't you have the energy and time to go out and live more because it's no longer tied up in his A? Now...

I can't see being happy without him

Can you not see how easy it would be to be happy if just the pain and stress his A is causing was gone? When you leave him, you KNOW it will lessen and eventually go away. He's no longer able to hurt you or remind you of what you use to have. You'll slowly but surely move on. If you stay with him, you don't have that guarantee because he can keep causing you that pain over and over and over again. You won't know if and when it will stop. You will start to move on only to forever be at risk of it happening at least one more time. You'll have to watch him like you are now and be reminded by what you lost over and over again. You'll always wonder when the other shoe is going to drop just like you are now especially if nothing changes.

You CAN be happy without him and if D happens for you, you WILL move on from him and learn how to be happy. With him around that answer changes to a maybe depending on x, y, z, and what color the sky is today. Even if you do R and he becomes Mr. Wonderful, never forget that leaving and staying away is the only guarantee that he can never cheat on you again. You will always know it happened at least once meaning it can happen again.

Sleepy312 posted 5/13/2014 09:25 AM

I found out what he was hiding. At least some of it. First, he was being secretive trying to plan an overnight trip for mother's day which was fine, BUT I discovered he's knee deep back into the porn which he claimed to have stop looking at, so he's lying about that, and he's lying about communicating with his mother who is a huge problem in our life. he just can't get it through his thick head that his mother hasn't changed in a few short weeks. '

I'm still shaking my head at me. Can't help myself, but I made a first step. Saw a psychiatrist yesterday for two hours. Hope it helps.

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