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First Overnight Tomorrow and Already Violating?

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littlefoggy posted 5/9/2014 09:28 AM

So, STBX and I finally have a court order.

In it, he is supposed to have his own place and a room for DD to get overnight visitation. He provided a lease to my L and he is good to go.

So, this is the weekend. The first overnight. Ack! She comes home in the morning for Mother's Day, at least. (He chose this weekend to start, I don't know why, whatever).

So here is my question: He is supposed to have moved away from OW's place to get overnights. But I have driven by a couple times since he got the new place and his habits (i.e. living with OW) haven't changed. What do I do?

MovingUpward posted 5/9/2014 09:33 AM

Do you get to drop DD off? If so, maybe you could drop DD off at the new place. If there isn't a bed there for DD then you take DD with you, call your attorney. If he won't let you do this you call the police and have your court order with you. If he truly has a place without OW and a bed for DD then I think you will need to her go until you learn if he is shacking up with OW and DD.

littlefoggy posted 5/9/2014 10:28 AM

We haven't decided on who is dropping off/picking up. And it wasn't specified in the order (ugh)

I sent an email asking what was what and he hasn't responded. Should I just say that I am dropping her off?

littlefoggy posted 5/9/2014 10:37 AM

Also. He has the pack n play from when DD was little. Is that a "bed" for a 2 year old?

Or is a bed a bed for a two year old considering she has been in a toddler bed for over 6 months now.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 10:37 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 5/9/2014 10:53 AM

I would think that a bed would be just the basics. A mattress in good condition, sheet, blanket, and pillow. DD might be too old for a pack and play but maybe the mattress could be pulled and set up like a bed.

It is tough to co-parent with someone that you have anger with and hurt from. You will need to stick to the focus of doing what is best for your DD. And since things are new at his place, it would be best to show a little flexibility the first couple of visits to all STBX to set up the place. So while pack n play isn't great, maybe it can work for a visit or 2. What I wouldn't allow is going to OW's for the night if you have that protection in the court order (which it sounds like you do). Allowing some short term flexability on little things could help your co-parenting efforts and it establishes your trying to facilitate visitation for your DD to the courts.

momentintime posted 5/9/2014 11:23 AM

A pack and play is too small for a two year old.

littlefoggy posted 5/9/2014 12:27 PM

DD is tiny. But she will be pretty unhappy in a PnP. One night won't kill her. (Maybe him, listening to her being unhappy).

What if he doesn't allow me in the apartment? I won't allow him in the house. So he may do the same.

And in hypothetical land (where the worse things happen), I drive by OW's house this weekend and his car is there, meaning he has DD there overnight... What do I do?

suckstobeme posted 5/9/2014 12:59 PM

Wait a minute - is there a court order that says your stbx can't have DD near OW at all? Or, is it that he can't have her in the same place with OW for an overnight? If it's just a matter of overnights, he could have rented "his" place just for the overnights with DD and he would be free to be with OW for the rest of the week. That may be why you're seeing his car in OW's driveway before he has DD. Is it possible he could do that?

Unless it's in the court order, he unfortunately is not required to let you into his place. If you asked and he was a decent person, he would let you in to look around, especially since your DD is too young to speak for herself and describe her surroundings. He doesn't sound like a decent person though so you may not be able to get in there. See if he will send you pics of the place so you can see where DD will be staying.

I agree that she shouldn't sleep in a PnP, but if he did that for a time or two, it wouldn't be worth it to call the police or go back to court. Remember that courts want the children to have relationships with both parents. Him having her stay in a PnP until he gets his new apartment set up is not going to convince a court to suspend overnights or even to really find him in contempt. If he refuses to get her a real bed for the next several months, then you may have something, but even then, the court will order him to buy a bed before doing something drastic like keeping DD from him. My DD still sleeps on a mattress on the floor and my ex has been in his house for well over a year. The insensitive dumbass bought a house that's really small, and he has never once cared enough to paint their rooms or take them out to buy a poster or a new comforter. He uses DS's room as his own when DS is not there - he's told me that his dad's stuff is thrown every where when he shows up on Fridays for weekend visits. But, each kid has his/her own room so there is nothing I can do about it. It's certainly not the way I would have handled moving into a new house with my kids, but I can't have a court order him to stop being an idiot.

It will be okay. It will get easier when DD is with him for overnights. This part is hard. Go easy on yourself and try not to panic.

littlefoggy posted 5/9/2014 13:32 PM

Ha. I wish it was around OW at all but, alas. It is the standard no one overnight clause. It applies to me too.

But since he lives with OW, he couldn't have overnights untl he got his own place with a room for DD.

I am mostly concerned that the apartment/lease is a show and he has no intention of staying there ever... including when he has DD... who can't really tell me she stayed with him at OW's yet.

Since OW lives around the block from me, what if I catch him red handed?

Do I document and let him hang himself eventually? Or bang down the door (metaphorically)?

When it happens. .. I need to know so I already have a plan. Otherwise I will do the Mama Bear thing and not the smart thing. You know?

Gemini71 posted 5/9/2014 18:05 PM

Be prepared to document. Bring a camera with you. Unless your DD is in imminent harm, there is nothing you can do during his parenting time. However, if you can document a pattern of behavior that is in violation of the court order, then you'll have something your lawyer can use.

Here's hoping that the new place is for him and DD.

littlefoggy posted 5/9/2014 20:29 PM

And.... he cancelled his overnight. And his midweek. So much for my Saturday night as an adult (and a slight detour with a telephoto lens).

I am actually really bummed. I was looking forward to an evening being out in public after 8pm.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Gemini, that is exactly what I needed to hear. Moo, thanks for your perspective. That is why I ask. Sometimes I am not sure where my bias ends.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 8:32 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

myowndystopia posted 5/9/2014 23:32 PM

Sorry for you and DD that the visit got cancelled. I know you are concerned about DD but was glad to read at the end that you were actually looking forward to some adult time. As hard as it is- when he does take her -make that time all about you!

Softcentre posted 5/10/2014 01:05 AM

And document that he didn't take her.

littlefoggy posted 5/10/2014 19:14 PM


Yeah. I am coming to terms with "I can't control anything he does on his time" and "I just need to give him enough rope to hang himself" and "Dear God, I need someone to talk to other than a toddler"

I don't think STBX has done that. I think he realized his overnight with DD meant I could go out on the town and do all the things he does and that didn't seem awesome to him (not that I would... My big plans where a rated R movie in the actual theater).

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