We are going to keep going to counselling, but I am going to speak to the counsellor and say that my husband needs to know how to deal with the anger.
Can someone please help us, and give us some ideas on how to deal with the anger? Or what to do when he feels angry?
As you can guess by my screen name, I have a lot of anger too. I have been dealing with it in several ways. Posting here and venting helps. Talking about what is angering me helps. It just loses some of it's steam when I do.
I had a bonfire with all of the things that reminded me of WH's A's. Mattresses, bedding, pictures, and any little thing that reminded me of all that.
Jewelry commercials are a big trigger for me so I bought a Nerf gun. Now I shoot the television each time a commercial comes on. It feels so silly, but it is so healing. It also helps that instead of running when he hears my Nerf gun being shot rapid fire, WH helps me pull them off of the television and helps me reload. I have started being able to get a chuckle out of doing this.
Going for a walk or a ride on the ATV also helps. I can go to the middle of nowhere to scream, cry, yell, throw rocks, or whatever I want to do. I've smashed old dishes (spread a tarp on the ground first to make clean up easier and wear safety glasses).
I'm allergic to the E word, but I've heard that strenuous exercise also helps.
He does go and shoots his archery bow lots, plus he rides his motorcycle and works out.
I feel helpless not knowing how to help his anger, I just wish I could help.
My husband is becoming frustrated with counselling as we often focus on our past issues. Which is good, but the past issues are about why I was angry towards him & my issues with him.
Gently, if I understand correctly your DDay was only a month ago. If you are often spending time in MC focusing on the issues you had with him, instead of what you did to give yourself permission to cheat, then that is not "good." It almost sounds as though MC is encouraging placing the blame on him. (Apologies if I'm interpreting what you are saying incorrectly.)
Your BH should be angry. Is he uncomfortable with feeling that way? Because it might help for him to know that it is normal and if he can accept the feelings it might be easier to let go of them.
Is he in IC or here on SI?
He has done IC once, and no he is not on here.
IC would be good for him, then he could express his anger there and he would not have to worry about what you are thinking. And he could deal with it constructively.
I think it is a really tough think for guys to figure out what to do with their anger. I have watched HL struggle with this and it makes my heart hurt. I
I will ask him if he wants to do IC and see what he says.
The marriage wasn't the reason that this happened. Hence the reason it doesn't need to get fixed right away.
Why is MC not a good idea this soon?
why I was angry towards him & my issues with him.
I agree with tired girl. Your BH may need to go to IC himself or be allowed to discuss how he really feels and what he needs to talk about with the A in your MC sessions. I personally vote for the IC but if he won't then perhaps you can devote future sessions to discussing how he feels right now about the A and anything else he wants to talk about.
ETA: Yes you should both ideally go to IC. It gives you both a chance to truly vent/focus on you and get out what you need without worrying about what your spouse has to say about it. You can dig into your why's without your BH armchair quarterbacking the enitre thing and he can vent and say whatever he needs to say to the IC and learn how to express his anger at you in a "productive" manner if that makes sense.
Just my 2 cents.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:45 PM, May 9th (Friday)]
I will speak to him tonight about doing IC. I will see what his thoughts are. I agree, and feel like he should be doing IC far more than we should be doing MC.
should I also be going to IC?
Are you working on the reasons that led you to make this choice?
Yes we are
This right here concerns me. I ask if YOU are working on the reason that YOU cheated and you say the WE are working on it.
Why are WE working on the reason? Or was that a mistake in how you meant to say that? I am not trying to be nasty here, I am trying to find out if your choice to cheat is being billed as WE problem.
I am not blaming my husband for anything. I shut down, I stopped communicating, I gave up.I did the wrong. Just me.
My husband and I should have been in counselling sooner. I was holding lots of anger, and grudges against my husband for past mistakes. I never truly forgave him. I have realized that my past anger, and hurt that I never dealt with carried with me for years and ultimately ate away at our marriage.
That's the anger. You had issues with him. problems. Most relationships have problems. however, you took an oath of martial fidelity.
You chose to cheat. You made a choice. One that he didn't make, no matter his issues.
Until YOU know "How could you", and he understands the thinking that led you to cheat, and you correct that thinking, how can he ever trust that you won't cheat again? When he realizes that YOUR values will no longer allow you to go outside the marriage, he can begin to trust.
In this day and age, cheating also endangers the health of your partner. that's a difficult thing to trust again
