"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 12:18 PM

My husband is becoming frustrated with counselling as we often focus on our past issues. Which is good, but the past issues are about why I was angry towards him & my issues with him.
My husband said last night that he has anger and he doesn't know what to do with it. He does not yell at me, or call me names. He is just angry.

We are going to keep going to counselling, but I am going to speak to the counsellor and say that my husband needs to know how to deal with the anger.

Can someone please help us, and give us some ideas on how to deal with the anger? Or what to do when he feels angry?

Furious1 posted 5/9/2014 12:51 PM

BS here. No stop sign.

As you can guess by my screen name, I have a lot of anger too. I have been dealing with it in several ways. Posting here and venting helps. Talking about what is angering me helps. It just loses some of it's steam when I do.

I had a bonfire with all of the things that reminded me of WH's A's. Mattresses, bedding, pictures, and any little thing that reminded me of all that.

Jewelry commercials are a big trigger for me so I bought a Nerf gun. Now I shoot the television each time a commercial comes on. It feels so silly, but it is so healing. It also helps that instead of running when he hears my Nerf gun being shot rapid fire, WH helps me pull them off of the television and helps me reload. I have started being able to get a chuckle out of doing this.

Going for a walk or a ride on the ATV also helps. I can go to the middle of nowhere to scream, cry, yell, throw rocks, or whatever I want to do. I've smashed old dishes (spread a tarp on the ground first to make clean up easier and wear safety glasses).

I'm allergic to the E word, but I've heard that strenuous exercise also helps.

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 13:12 PM

Thank you.

He does go and shoots his archery bow lots, plus he rides his motorcycle and works out.

I feel helpless not knowing how to help his anger, I just wish I could help.

cdnmommy posted 5/9/2014 13:53 PM

My husband is becoming frustrated with counselling as we often focus on our past issues. Which is good, but the past issues are about why I was angry towards him & my issues with him.

Gently, if I understand correctly your DDay was only a month ago. If you are often spending time in MC focusing on the issues you had with him, instead of what you did to give yourself permission to cheat, then that is not "good." It almost sounds as though MC is encouraging placing the blame on him. (Apologies if I'm interpreting what you are saying incorrectly.)

Your BH should be angry. Is he uncomfortable with feeling that way? Because it might help for him to know that it is normal and if he can accept the feelings it might be easier to let go of them.

Is he in IC or here on SI?

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 14:02 PM

You are reading that right, or at least that is how I am taking it.
And of course there is no way my husband should be blamed.

I think he is uncomfortable with feeling so mad at me, but I dont know. He is not one for words, which makes this even harder.

He has done IC once, and no he is not on here.

tired girl posted 5/9/2014 14:07 PM

If your Dday was that soon, then focusing on the marriage issues now is not what should be happening. Often MC is not a good idea this soon. Are you in IC?

IC would be good for him, then he could express his anger there and he would not have to worry about what you are thinking. And he could deal with it constructively.

I think it is a really tough think for guys to figure out what to do with their anger. I have watched HL struggle with this and it makes my heart hurt.
I

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 14:22 PM

Why is MC not a good idea this soon?

I will ask him if he wants to do IC and see what he says.

tired girl posted 5/9/2014 14:25 PM

Because often individual issues need to be dealt with before marriage issues can be dealt with. As you are seeing now.

The marriage wasn't the reason that this happened. Hence the reason it doesn't need to get fixed right away.

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 14:32 PM

If he agrees to do more IC, should I also be going to IC?
We have done IC once, and two sessions of MC.
Initially I was thinking maybe we should alternate weeks of IC and MC.

7yrsflushed posted 5/9/2014 14:40 PM

Why is MC not a good idea this soon?

Because you haven't dealt with the elephant in the room which is the A and the fallout. From your post it seems that the MC is focusing on M issues like communication problems and things from the past. Speaking as a BH, the only thing on your BH's mind right now is the A.

why I was angry towards him & my issues with him.

Speaking from my experience, sitting in MC and discussing what's written above is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. There is no rule book to this so your BH may be trying to suppress his anger which isn't healthy for him or your chances for R. Discussing M issues this soon after Dday is going to make him feel like he did something to make you have an A. And if he is like me or many people we defer to the "professional" so we sit back and think we SHOULD in fact discuss our past issues. Doing so this soon after Dday and suppressing the anger or avoiding A discussions keeps the anger bubbling right under the surface. It will continually spill out because it's still there. My original MC told us I should talk about the A for 2 months then move on. That didn't work for me but did work for my stbxww. I didn't have SI to guide me initially. MC didn't feel like a safe place for me because if I told how I really felt it was seen as counter productive to communication, etc.

I agree with tired girl. Your BH may need to go to IC himself or be allowed to discuss how he really feels and what he needs to talk about with the A in your MC sessions. I personally vote for the IC but if he won't then perhaps you can devote future sessions to discussing how he feels right now about the A and anything else he wants to talk about.

ETA: Yes you should both ideally go to IC. It gives you both a chance to truly vent/focus on you and get out what you need without worrying about what your spouse has to say about it. You can dig into your why's without your BH armchair quarterbacking the enitre thing and he can vent and say whatever he needs to say to the IC and learn how to express his anger at you in a "productive" manner if that makes sense.

Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:45 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 14:44 PM

Thank you. I do agree 100%.

I will speak to him tonight about doing IC.
I will see what his thoughts are.
I agree, and feel like he should be doing IC far more than we should be doing MC.

tired girl posted 5/9/2014 14:46 PM

should I also be going to IC?

Are you working on the reasons that led you to make this choice?

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 14:48 PM

Yes we are, and I feel strongly like I know why it happened. I feel like the counselling is greatly helping me. I have also read many books, and been speaking to our pastor to.

tired girl posted 5/9/2014 15:03 PM

Yes we are

This right here concerns me. I ask if YOU are working on the reason that YOU cheated and you say the WE are working on it.

Why are WE working on the reason? Or was that a mistake in how you meant to say that? I am not trying to be nasty here, I am trying to find out if your choice to cheat is being billed as WE problem.

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 15:10 PM

I meant WE as in the counsellor and I.

I am not blaming my husband for anything. I shut down, I stopped communicating, I gave up.I did the wrong. Just me.

My husband and I should have been in counselling sooner. I was holding lots of anger, and grudges against my husband for past mistakes. I never truly forgave him. I have realized that my past anger, and hurt that I never dealt with carried with me for years and ultimately ate away at our marriage.

tired girl posted 5/9/2014 15:12 PM

Ahh, so is this part of what you have been trying to communicate to him in MC?

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 15:15 PM

yes it is. And I truly feel like last night we did have a break through, we talked about lots of the situations. I feel like I understand where he was coming from more. He acknowledged he made some mistakes, but learned from them and now its time to forgive, move on. (From the past situations. I can not keep bringing it up.)

tired girl posted 5/9/2014 15:18 PM

Is he talking to you at all about his own anger?

Struggling2014 posted 5/9/2014 15:24 PM

No.
He doesn't. It has been a month since this has come out. We have barely talked about it twice at home. (i mean like 15 minute conversations. He asks what he wants to know, and then switches topics and acts like nothing has ever happened.) We have talked about it twice in MC, but we still don't focus on it in MC.
He struggles to express his feelings a lot.

PollyA posted 5/9/2014 20:46 PM

HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?!?!?!??!!

That's the anger. You had issues with him. problems. Most relationships have problems. however, you took an oath of martial fidelity.

You chose to cheat. You made a choice. One that he didn't make, no matter his issues.

Until YOU know "How could you", and he understands the thinking that led you to cheat, and you correct that thinking, how can he ever trust that you won't cheat again? When he realizes that YOUR values will no longer allow you to go outside the marriage, he can begin to trust.

In this day and age, cheating also endangers the health of your partner. that's a difficult thing to trust again