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A date day with boundary moments

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LA44 posted 5/9/2014 13:42 PM

We had a date day yesterday and found two moments that were boundary-related.

During the day, my H went into a wine store. I was walking around the store and I soon heard him talking about an upcoming city run with the female clerk. The convo wrapped up quickly and she asked if she could help him. I heard him say, "Sure. LA, could you come here and see what you might like." We both picked out a couple wines/we left. I made a note to ask him who initiated the run convo.

Then last night we stopped into a pub for a quick chat after a class we took. The waitress came over. We were joking about the stop being a biz expense and there was a pause and the attractive female server said, "What do you do for a living?"

I actually thought it was inappropriate. He answered her and then quickly gestured to me and gave her my (made up) title which she thought was "cool".

We talked this morning. I asked who initiated the run covo. He said: Well, she was talking to another guy about it and then I added a few words when he left. He said that he did not feel it was right to talk about running in the NYC as that would be opening up too much. He said he also realized I was not in view and that is why he called me over to pick out some wine.

With regards to the server, I just explained that this is how the "familiarity" gets started. Next time she sees him, she can say, "I would love some advice on abc."

I pointed out that these seemed like innocent moments BUT its really impt. to keep our boundaries tight. I explained that when I am in a store and a guy is holding up two sweaters, I would not approach him with my opinion unless he asked. I would answer politely and then move away.

We are reading NJF and the whole walls/windows thing.

[This message edited by LA44 at 1:44 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

LivingLearning posted 5/9/2014 14:04 PM

He gets some good points for bringing you into the conversation as quick as possible.

This makes me wonder, what would be appropriate if someone asks about your job? Being a bartenders job to keep the customers happy and conversations going, I am not sure what to do in this situation without blatantly ignoring them. I guess it would be to answer the question, but make sure not to use any type of language or body signals that would lead the person on. Hmmm..

I just posted about talking about boundaries and running through scenarios so you know what to do in certain situations. This would be another good one to talk about!

LA44 posted 5/9/2014 14:13 PM

Read it and posted LL!

Yes. I did take note that both times he brought me in.

Bartending...yes. I have been behind the bar myself (pre-marriage days though) and that can be a bit of a mine-field for many different kinds of uncomfortable situations. Body language is really important. I used to watch this woman practically throw herself on top of the bar top with a friend of mine. It was ridiculous! He was young and not married but I don't think she would have cared had he not been.

I don't want us to be rude....just protective.

Scubachick posted 5/9/2014 14:26 PM


Is your husband naturally a social person?

bionicgal posted 5/9/2014 21:21 PM

As I posted earlier in the week, my H is a bit of an extrovert. . . it is a challenge to figure out where those boundaries should be sometimes.

It sounds to me like Mr LA did a good job of consciously pulling you in each time.

brokensmile322 posted 5/10/2014 05:54 AM

Hi LA,

I actually think your husband did really great. I see so much of myself in this post.

I, too, used to be annoyed with this stuff. My MC and my IC did hit me a 2x4 though. And I did fight back… but I ended up not winning.

LA44 posted 5/10/2014 08:17 AM

Yes, he is a social person Scubachick so I get his NEED to talk to random people. His parents, like my Mom talk to just about everyone they meet. We have had a couple boundary issues in the last month (not related to women) so I am a bit on guard right now.

I thought he did well too bionic and will take a look at your post. And he had nothing to do with the server asking him what he does for a living. There was a server - same pub - about 3 years ago (this was during the A) who ended up going home with my H and his friend to the friend's house to play cards until 2am. I asked him the other day if he looks back now and thinks that was odd. He said, "Yes. Now looking back, he thought it was inappropriate for his friend to ask her (his SO was not happy) and for her to go."

Brokensmile, why did your MC and IC hit you with a 2x4? Because you were asking for your H to be aware of boundaries?

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:19 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

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