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willnevergiveup posted 5/9/2014 14:32 PM

[This message edited by willnevergiveup at 11:01 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

wifehad5 posted 5/9/2014 15:14 PM

Hi and welcome. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us

One of the most important things you need to do is find out why you cheating in the first place. Why let your boss kiss you and send him pictures instead of filing a complaint? Why let the other guy get as far as he did? Find out the reasons, and work to fix them. That's a start to being safe for your husband.

willnevergiveup posted 5/9/2014 15:38 PM

Plain and simple it is because I liked the attention that I was receiving. I liked the verbal attention, the flirting and so forth. I suppose its like others say about getting your ego stroked. That was as far as I ever saw it going and before I knew it, these guys would see the vulnerability and I have a problem telling people no, in all aspects of my life. What I don't understand is why I would do that when I have my family at home. I know that our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was like I just hung on to the negative things instead of enjoying the positive things. I am realizing a lot of my own flaws and why I did what I did. I am absolutely determined and sure that if he just gives us a chance that I would never make the same mistakes again. Our line of communication has opened, for the first time I feel like I can go to my husband with anything. I just want to know if it is normal at this stage for the BH to not be able to see how we could ever be together again. He will say "I don't want to be with you right now, but I can't tell you what the future holds." He wants the divorce, he says that I need to suffer consequences and that he shouldn't even be letting me stay in the house.

ICECOLD posted 5/9/2014 17:09 PM

I didn't see a stop sign, so as a BS, I will say you seem to have major boundary and external validation issues. Both of these things are very apparent in your story by you telling opposite sex co workers your relationship business and seeking their validation. I'm one of those people who don't really believe in opposite sex friends, so this really is a no no for me.

You can cry and plead with your BH as much as you want but that sobbing and crying are words. You eventually have to pick yourself up and show ACTION!

Take the initiative to fight for your marriage. You're off to a good start! Some Waywards don't even care enough to google help, like you did.

Some things you need right now are:

TRANSPARENCY - complete honesty in EVERYTHING. Being completely transparent about the past, where you are, where your going, what on your phone, who you are emailing, passwords etc.

SELF WORK AND INTROSPECTION - You really need to put in the work to find out why you have these issues that made you cheat (because it's all on you and has nothing to do with your relationship), to fix them so you can be a safe partner in the future. IC is a huge help, and if you work hard in this MC can come later.

COMPASSION EMPATHY AND REMORSE - Dont just feel regret for what you did, feel deep remorse. Acknowledge his feelings, affirm them, apologize with in depth apologies (not just "im sorry" but "im sorry that I betrayed your trust in me and took advantage of you" and "I'm sorry that I only thought about me and not us" etc. Also, no running when things get emotionally hard.

HARDWORK - Infidelity takes 2-5 years to heal from. And for a long part of that YOU need to be carrying all the weight of the relationship and giving it your everything to make him want to R with you. Are you still in?

There are some awesome books that are constantly recommended on SI that are really helpful. How to Help your Spouse Heal from an Affair and Not Just friends

The healing library has some really good resources to help you get a bigger picture on what you did to your relationship and what is happening right.

And finally, I'm not going to give you any false hopes or platitudes.

In the end, no matter if you do everything right, it may not change anything. Your husband may still leave you. You're actions may have destroyed the relationship for good...but then again, it may not have, but the only way to find out is give fixing this 200%, and show your husband you really are remorseful and you REALLY want this.

But even if your relationship doesn't work out, you need to fix yourself for yourself first and foremost so you can live your life with honesty & integrity. Then for your kids because having a healthy and present mother is an amazing gift to your children, and lastly any future relationships you may have.

Here one more thing Reconciliation thrives off of

APPRECIATION AND GRATITUDE - If you get a shot at R, you need to understand that him staying and wanting to work on the relationship is a gift...not something to be taken for granted. Appreciate it. Express it, verbally, physically, and emotionally.

Mrs Panda posted 5/9/2014 18:15 PM

Your story is sadly a common one. But the answers to why are different for each of us.

So you need to figure out how to make yourself a safe person for BH. He may decide to R. His decision may be influenced by seeing real change in you. How will he Know that next time you are feeling sad, or lonely, or needing attention that you won't screw around again? Your promises will mean nothing. You have to change your entire way of thinking.

A few suggestions. Get into IC, pronto. Direct BH to SI. And keep answering the questions. Again and again. And keep apologizing. And get books on infidelity, self esteem etc.

maimed posted 5/10/2014 13:07 PM

No stop sign, bs speaking here. As my WH and I have been talking thorough this nightmare, he is beginning to understanding the "why" he did what he did. Needing the attention, not being able to say no if the opportunity arose, and the bottom line, it was because of his insecurities. I know what has helped me more than anything at this point, is for him to admit what has happened to him in his past to cause these insecurities and attention seeking behavior; because that is the problem. Living in denial is toxic. Cheating is just the symptom; and once the problem is realized, admitted and cured, then the symptoms should never appear again. That will be a LOT of work and soul searching on your part. It will probably be extremely painful for you both, (just to add to the pain that is already there) but, I believe that is the only way to fix anything. I know I will be here for my WH while he goes trough this, I hope your BH will be there for you as well. Best of luck.

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