There was a roller coaster from this, and I found it helpful to let him know during a good time, a calm time, when I had ALMOST made a comment like that, but noticed it and stopped myself. So we both knew where we were in our journey toward R.
I've just really experienced how damaging clinging to bitterness and anger are - but also know that there are definitely places and times in this journey where they are unavoidable and necessary. Forgiving myself was incredibly important during thoughts like you describe. You have been through trauma, you are in the middle of trauma. Forgive yourself as quickly as possible, you have done nothing but be human.
We are all hurting and are hyperaware and hypersensitive. Can't help it. It goes with the territory. Hang in there, my friend! I've heard it gets better with time. Would just love to know how much time, wouldn't you?
Please remember to follow the Recon forum's guidelines when posting. There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. If you would like to vent about OW, please let me know and I will be happy to move this thread to Gen. Thank you.
It doesn't take much. It just happened last week. He told me of a conversation he had with a claims agent regarding an injury that I incurred. He and I have not seen eye-to-eye on how to handle this, so he was indicating to her how unreasonable I was being and he didn't agree, blah, blah.
When he told me,his tone was derisive. I called him back after I thought about it and told him to get his ass home. He got both barrels for the rest of the evening. Normally, I would not even have thought a thing about this.
But I told him. "You just don't get it!!! Life has changed. It will never be the same. The affair happened and it will always be in our history. We both need to be conscious of that and always treat each other with kindness and respect. You were talking to another woman and being negative about me. That might have flow "BA"(before affair) but never "AA" after affair.
Most of the time when stuff like this happens, I calmly tell him he hurt my feelings and he apologizes and we have another little talk about not letting things go and then build up resentment. That is what we used to do before the affair.
But just sometimes, with that angry residue bubbling around under the surface, you just blow a cork. Oh, the woeful, miserable, unintended consequences of an affair!
this doesn't mean I won't want to talk about it. I will. Every day. This doesn't mean I am no longer angry. There will be times, when it seems I am mad at you for nothing. It's not nothing, it's this. And it will last for years. The last time, I sucked if up, and kept it to myself. I won't this time. I will scream at you, and if you act surprised, I will tell you why. And i won't be nice about it. I will see something that reminds me of this, and I will fly into, what seems to you, an unwarranted tirade. If you tell me it's unwarranted, I will remind you of why it's warranted. And I won't be nice about it. If you are willing to put up with that for 2-5 years, and remain as open, honest, and transparent, as you were today, I will do my best to forgive you. I don't know if it's even possible for us to do either... But I am willing to try, of you are.
And I have. I have done exactly as you described... More than once. it's normal... Sometimes something becomes a trigger, that has happened many times before, without triggering you... And that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the A. Sometimes... Even him telling me he loved me, made me want to punch him in the junk.