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timidhope posted 5/9/2014 14:41 PM

My BSO is going through an internal struggle right now. He didn't want to talk about my A for a week but I can see it still crosses his mind at a minimum, when we're together.

I asked about it yesterday and we spent a good 2 hours. Unfortunately I talked for the bulk of it. I wanted to hear what he's thinking and feeling but at least I had a chance to tell him what I was thinking during the A. He pointed out all my contradictory reasons. I didn't have a good response for those other than I know it doesn't make sense and I was being selfish and self centered and all I thought about was me. During the highs I celebrated myself and during the lows of the A I pitied myself. There's so much ugliness and I'm working on that. I don't want to accept that all that ugliness is permanently me.

I'm so tired and my eyes are sore and I still have a bit of the headache. I know he suffered more than this at my hands so truly, I'm sorry for that too. I'm thankful he hasn't dumped me yet. I don't want to tell him these thoughts to burden him.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Ihtoiltm posted 5/9/2014 15:43 PM

I can only speak for myself and my situation but my opinion is, tell him, tell him what you think and how you feel. Don't make the mistake I did and hold it in to appear to be strong and holding it together for him. I only did further damage to my BH by doing this. When I finally started to talk and show what I had been keeping inside things changed for us. I had kept it in for so long with the mindset of why should he have to deal with all of the hurt, pain, anger and feelings he had because of what I did to him of his own and mine too?!? I never wanted to bring him down more than I already had and I certainly never wanted him to think that I wanted him to feel sorry for me because after all I created this but in keeping my sadness and all my feelings in I made it worse. He said he needed to see that I got it, not say that I did but see me actually feeling what I felt. I hope this makes some sense to you. I am sorry for us all that we are here but keep fighting for him and share your feelings, he is worth it I am sure, I know my BH is.

BrokenButTrying posted 5/9/2014 16:01 PM

I've literally just finished one of those talks with BH.

I feel drained.

Keep talking as much as he will allow you to. Let him hear it all, openness and honesty will mean the world to him.

Take of yourself if you're feeling fragile at the moment. Sending strength.

timidhope posted 5/9/2014 18:22 PM

Ihtoiltm - thanks for the heartfelt advice, I'll ask my BSO what he is okay with. He told me before to stop crying because it made him feel bad so I've taken that to mean he didn't want to see or hear my pain.... I get that with all that I've done with the living and information withholding that my display of pain may be trying to manipulate him. But I really appreciate hearing how it actually has helped your BH's healing.

BrokenButTrying - thanks for the support, sending strength your way too

harrypotter posted 5/9/2014 19:09 PM

I agree. You need to talk. I get not wanting to add to the burden but in my experiences with my BS that's not really what happens. Also, we would not want our spouse to choose for us what they want us to know and not know would we? I know the tired feeling all to well, it's hard but it's normal. You can let go and get it out.

timidhope posted 5/9/2014 22:13 PM

Thanks for the advice guys :)

I told him a bit of what I was feeling: that I was sorry and just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean I forgot what I've done and that I'm still dealing with the shame for my actions and that I wish I got help for myself earlier.

He rewarded me with a hug :)

Ihtoiltm posted 5/10/2014 09:20 AM

Good to hear that you were able to share some of your feelings with him and he embraced you.
I remember early on my BH telling me to stop crying, he said you don't get to cry about this. I know now he said that out of anger and didn't really mean it. Your BH may not need or want to see you cry but my best advice is to communicate with him as openly as you can and much as he will allow you to. It seems like you are wanting to do that and I hope he responds to you and you both work your way through this. I know the pain you are feeling and I am sorry. Sending you strength and hope, you can do this, keep fighting for him.

timidhope posted 5/10/2014 13:23 PM

I'm taking your advice to heart, Ihtoiltm. I'll definitely keep fighting for him, he's worth it and more.

I sincerely hope you and your BH are in a better spot together. Thanks for kindly sharing.

Ihtoiltm posted 5/15/2014 21:54 PM

How are you?

timidhope posted 5/16/2014 01:15 AM

Hi Ihtoiltm!

I'm doing a lot better. We had a couple opportunities to talk and sharing how I felt made me feel better and it looked like it made him feel better too. We've had a few great days so far. I see that faraway look in his eyes sometimes so I give in to my urge to be clingy with him even if it risks rejection...so far so good.

It's so sweet of you to check in, thanks!

Ihtoiltm posted 5/16/2014 09:16 AM

So good to hear that you both are doing ok and talking and sharing. Keep putting yourself out there and don't get discouraged. I wish you both strength to work through this.