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Newest Member: farmgrl (61811)

User Topic: Anniversary
♀ 42624
Member # 42624
Sad  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this topic has been brought up time and again, but it is a very stressfull time for us betrayed spouses! We are almost 3 months post d-day. Things are going ok. WH started a new job today away frow AP which is good, but stressfull too! Remorse is high, doing everything he is supposed to.

Anyway, next week would have been our 20 year anniversary. I absolutely refuse to celebrate, but any advice on how to just get through this most painful day would be much appreciated. Just thinking about it puts my stomach in knots, which isn't an everyday occurance anymore.

Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Minnesota
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are hurting, Mommato5. Three months really is a relatively short time out from d-day, so you are understandably going to be going through the whole gamut of emotions.

You are under no obligation to celebrate your anniversary.

One option is to recognize it, without celebrating it, if that makes any sense. Maybe treat yourself to something nice. Maybe a spa treatment, or a quiet day in the park?

Another thing that I have found about these big dates that come up is that the anticipation is worse than anything else. Usually, for me anyway, the anticipation is worse than the actual day itself.

Try to breathe. I know 20 years is a big one. We're here for you. Let us know how things go.

Posts: 30662 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to echo what Losferwords said. Do something for yourself, the spa massage, a pedicure/manicure, reading a good book, do something that you like to do that will also keep you busy. I struggled on our first anniversary too after DDay. It is so very hard. Share with your husband how you feel so he has a better idea of how to handle also.

Sending support your way.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♂ 42603
Member # 42603
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the first anniversary after D-Day can be tuff. My D-Day was a month before my 5 year anniversary and the Day before Thanksgiving (not looking to next Thanksgiving). Anyway, we decided to do nothing special for our 5 year anniversary. It was a simple normal dinner at home with the kids (no card, no flowers, etc.)

In your case, since you have children that may want ot do something special on behalf of you and your husbandís anniversary, I recommend you let everyone know that you and your husband have made special plans. This can end up being that you go off alone and have the spa or massage that was recommended by others.

WS her 34 (when it occurred)
BS me 46 (when it occurred)
Together 9 years, married 5 (when it occurred)
2 children (1 and 3 years old when it occured)

Posts: 273 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: DC Metro Area USA
♀ 42624
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. Originally I was just worried about the actual date (which is Wednesday). As it turns out, the whole week is turning out to be tough. Infidelity sucks!

Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Minnesota
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard. First anniversary was 3 days after dday. I just couldn't believe it. Now I hardly remember that day. The next anniversary was of course 3 days after the first antiversary. It was better, but still sucked. Losfer is right, the whole build up to that day was awful. Like I was waiting for something awful to happen. But the day just passed...... ((Mommato5))

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 42607
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our 30th is tomorrow. I had hoped I'd feel like celebrating this year, but I just don't. I dont have any advice, just know you're not alone.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 960 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
♀ 37741
Member # 37741
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry that this is so painful, twenty years is such a milestone and I wish that you were able to enjoy it and not have to deal with all of this hurt. Please consider what the others have said and do something very nice for yourself... You deserve it!!! Thinking of you...

BW: sparrow 34
WH: 45 SA(regretswhatidid)
DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12, 2/24/12... quit counting most recent 4/19/17 all pre DDay but no end to TT
3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY
46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,
4EA w/pas

Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 29927
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think choosing not to celebrate is ok. I'm 4 1/2 years out and in hindsight I think it's better to not celebrate some of those dates surrounding your marriage/relationship because trying to celebrate anyways has felt fake for me in the past. Feeling like I'm faking feels a lot like lying and then I ended up being more miserable. For example, I used to celebrate our first date anniversary. I don't anymore. I don't cry about it- just don't acknowledge it. My husband gave me a card re: 1st date anniversary this past June and I politely told him I don't celebrate that day anymore. I just don't- no emotion. I feel better honoring how I feel and being true to myself, the situation, and the fact that we are in a different relationship now.

Hugs to you. 3 months is a very small amount of time- especially with 5 children to keep you busy. I know- I have 5 children under 12- it leaves very little time to process the A.

Me- BS 44
WH-45-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*

Posts: 229 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't consider it our anniversary anymore and just ignore it. He has been informed that I don't want it mentioned and he complies. I told him that a marriage is like a contract. He broke the contract and as such, we aren't really married and will need to renew our vows and set a new anniversary. I also took off my rings and will never wear those again. Will get new ring when I feel strong enough to renew the vows.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 10

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