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Mommato5 posted 5/9/2014 19:38 PM

I know this topic has been brought up time and again, but it is a very stressfull time for us betrayed spouses! We are almost 3 months post d-day. Things are going ok. WH started a new job today away frow AP which is good, but stressfull too! Remorse is high, doing everything he is supposed to.

Anyway, next week would have been our 20 year anniversary. I absolutely refuse to celebrate, but any advice on how to just get through this most painful day would be much appreciated. Just thinking about it puts my stomach in knots, which isn't an everyday occurance anymore.

LosferWords posted 5/9/2014 21:30 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting, Mommato5. Three months really is a relatively short time out from d-day, so you are understandably going to be going through the whole gamut of emotions.

You are under no obligation to celebrate your anniversary.

One option is to recognize it, without celebrating it, if that makes any sense. Maybe treat yourself to something nice. Maybe a spa treatment, or a quiet day in the park?

Another thing that I have found about these big dates that come up is that the anticipation is worse than anything else. Usually, for me anyway, the anticipation is worse than the actual day itself.

Try to breathe. I know 20 years is a big one. We're here for you. Let us know how things go.

brkn_heartd posted 5/9/2014 23:11 PM

I am going to echo what Losferwords said. Do something for yourself, the spa massage, a pedicure/manicure, reading a good book, do something that you like to do that will also keep you busy. I struggled on our first anniversary too after DDay. It is so very hard. Share with your husband how you feel so he has a better idea of how to handle also.

Sending support your way.

BetrayedbyONS posted 5/10/2014 10:58 AM

Yes, the first anniversary after D-Day can be tuff. My D-Day was a month before my 5 year anniversary and the Day before Thanksgiving (not looking to next Thanksgiving). Anyway, we decided to do nothing special for our 5 year anniversary. It was a simple normal dinner at home with the kids (no card, no flowers, etc.)

In your case, since you have children that may want ot do something special on behalf of you and your husband’s anniversary, I recommend you let everyone know that you and your husband have made special plans. This can end up being that you go off alone and have the spa or massage that was recommended by others.

Mommato5 posted 5/12/2014 12:12 PM

Thanks everyone. Originally I was just worried about the actual date (which is Wednesday). As it turns out, the whole week is turning out to be tough. Infidelity sucks!

Lostinthismess posted 5/12/2014 12:41 PM

It's so hard. First anniversary was 3 days after dday. I just couldn't believe it. Now I hardly remember that day. The next anniversary was of course 3 days after the first antiversary. It was better, but still sucked. Losfer is right, the whole build up to that day was awful. Like I was waiting for something awful to happen. But the day just passed...... ((Mommato5))

tl502 posted 5/12/2014 12:54 PM

(((Mommato5)))
Our 30th is tomorrow. I had hoped I'd feel like celebrating this year, but I just don't. I dont have any advice, just know you're not alone.

bytheboard posted 5/12/2014 13:46 PM

Mommato5,

I am so sorry that this is so painful, twenty years is such a milestone and I wish that you were able to enjoy it and not have to deal with all of this hurt. Please consider what the others have said and do something very nice for yourself... You deserve it!!! Thinking of you...

Mom-of-4 posted 5/15/2014 20:12 PM

I think choosing not to celebrate is ok. I'm 4 1/2 years out and in hindsight I think it's better to not celebrate some of those dates surrounding your marriage/relationship because trying to celebrate anyways has felt fake for me in the past. Feeling like I'm faking feels a lot like lying and then I ended up being more miserable. For example, I used to celebrate our first date anniversary. I don't anymore. I don't cry about it- just don't acknowledge it. My husband gave me a card re: 1st date anniversary this past June and I politely told him I don't celebrate that day anymore. I just don't- no emotion. I feel better honoring how I feel and being true to myself, the situation, and the fact that we are in a different relationship now.

Hugs to you. 3 months is a very small amount of time- especially with 5 children to keep you busy. I know- I have 5 children under 12- it leaves very little time to process the A.

kansas1968 posted 5/16/2014 01:03 AM

I just don't consider it our anniversary anymore and just ignore it. He has been informed that I don't want it mentioned and he complies. I told him that a marriage is like a contract. He broke the contract and as such, we aren't really married and will need to renew our vows and set a new anniversary. I also took off my rings and will never wear those again. Will get new ring when I feel strong enough to renew the vows.