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deena posted 5/9/2014 21:01 PM

Sorry gma if this is not appropriate of me doing this.
I just didn't want to take over someone else's post.

Something you said on another post really struck me and bothered me.
It is something that I have been thinking about for a long time now. I thought it was just me that was feeling that way and it was worrying me.
Your response was

I have a very compassionate emotional personality but now I'm guarded and at times jaded. I hate that is who I am now.
Right now I'm OK with it but I hope I'm not for the rest of my life or I feel I will have given up the best part of who I am. I can't let FT take that away from me forever.

I too am not the same "nice" person anymore. I am very jaded. I want to be by myself more and more. I don't trust. I don't feel much love. I don't care about things.I don't feel like being a nice person anymore.
It is worrying me.
I feel like I am losing who I used to be.
I am trying to hang in there, but sometimes I don't know if I will get back even some of who I used to be.

I am impatient.
Going to the lawyer and getting things going legally at last feels so hard emotionally. I feel weak and stuck. and scared.
This in between stage, still living in the same house and trying to stay civil while also trying to stay sane is crazy. Everyone else here has done it and survived...I feel like a weak whiner.
I want to scream at WH for wrecking my life...for being so selfish, immature, controlling and a jerk......and yet I have to stay silent to keep the peace.

DOES any of this make sense?

FaithFool posted 5/9/2014 21:06 PM

Yes.

LifeIsBroken posted 5/9/2014 21:14 PM

Totally makes sense. Everything changes, including you.

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 21:19 PM

Oh sweetie,
I understand. And you would not have high jacked my post.
Remember who you are within. Remember and see yourself. You are feeling the anger and bitterness. If you allow that to take over all the time you will be in that dark place where he wants you and he wins. DON'T let him take you from you.

However what you are feeling is good to help you through this evil shit storm. But know you will be a different person but that doesn't mean you will remain jaded and not nice always. We are nice people with big hearts and compassion. It is there just buried in all the shit your wayward has done.

I go thru this but always have to remind myself not to let him or this take me away from who I am.

I hope this makes sense. I will never let him take me away from me. But I am forever changed... wiser!!

Head high babe! We got us... much love!

[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 9:34 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

caregiver9000 posted 5/9/2014 21:27 PM

I want to scream at WH for wrecking my life...for being so selfish, immature, controlling and a jerk......and yet I have to stay silent to keep the peace.

It makes perfect sense. My solution was to simply change the very last four words. Nothing else changed!! I want to scream, he is what he is and worse, I stay silent because I choose to. I stay silent because he is not worthy of my breath, my words, my righteous anger. I stay silent because my energy and my voice belong to me and are better spent on me, and mindful things. I stay silent because nothing I say or scream will change him, the past or the future. I stay silent because I am worth the peace in my life that I CAN GIVE TO MYSELF with silence.

I stay silent because simply, he no longer matters enough to speak to or about.

Your feelings matter and are valid. You are still the person you always were. You can be who you desire to be in spite of him and what he did. He has no right to determine who you are now.

Take back your power. You can do it.

deena posted 5/9/2014 21:33 PM

Oh Faithful I do feel I am losing myself in the anger and bitterness.
You response really helped. Especially the "bug heart" part.....it made me smile.

A friend who is worried about me asked to go out together and all I wanted tonight was to have a couple of glasses of wine and go to bed. I did toast to her over a text. And I did suggest lunch and a walk by the river tomorrow which appealed to her.
I love her so much and appreciate her friendship and support but I just feel like being alone so much lately. The frustration of wanting to be away from WH and yet having to wait is so hard.

I liked being the nice person before.

deena posted 5/9/2014 21:36 PM

Caregiver thank you so much for all those good reasons to stay silent

They help so much

I wish I could go to the little padded time out room at work and scream. (I work casual with special needs kids, hence the need for the little padded room, lol)

[This message edited by deena at 9:37 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 21:43 PM

Lol, My kindle types it one thing. I went back and corrected it...Lol..but glad it made you smile!

Sweetie, you are a nice person and loving but this makes you want to be alone. Nothing wrong with that. Shit I never go out. I rather sit drink some wine or beer, watch movies or be with my son. Daughter is out on her own so don't see her much. But I prepare that now. And for me, well I learn a lot of who I am now. I love to cook, can, puts around. I love it. WH goes out all the time... .... I don't need to do that. I CHOOSE now what I want to do.

But always remember you are wonderful and you are going thru the emotions. I still do. But again, I will never let him or anyone take my goodness from me. ...and neither will you!

[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 9:45 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 21:47 PM

Ok...ready to throw the kindle out the window... had to edit again...Damn.

deena posted 5/9/2014 21:55 PM

Haha. Don't you dare throw out your kindle!!!
I love you and your kindle!! Haha

You both gave me the smile I needed so much today!!

I forgot for a bit about being angry and bitter.

My spelling now getting fixed

[This message edited by deena at 9:57 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

Tripletrouble posted 5/9/2014 21:58 PM

Oh Deena living under the same roof and trying to keep the peace until he moved out felt like this:

Actually there are many things about infidelity that feel like The Scream.

I am also "nice", but I am having the opposite problem. I'm still that person, but I feel dumb about it because I feel like I should know better, like SUCKER is written across my forehead. So don't be too hard on yourself. It's true we are all changed.

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 22:08 PM

I won't throw out the kindle...Lol...

See Hon, you have the ones who are bitter the ones who are too nice still and the ones in between all the emotions.

I have been all. Ask anyone here.... always the one to try to forgive and see how we can fix this...yeah right.... It took me moving out the first time yo get a real glimpse of me again. And you will get that also. Now I excited to move again. Just to have peace. Once he is gone you will know what I mean. You will see things differently and when you have peace the anger subsides.

deena posted 5/9/2014 22:09 PM

Oh thanks for that painting triple

I can actually say I really "feel" a painting very deeply.

I just got another glass of wine. My third. It should put me out. And with all these great responses I may even have a good dream tonight. Or at least go to sleep with a smile.

I do feel like I am abandoning my kids to WH, they are older. But I just can't stand or trust myself around him.

deena posted 5/9/2014 22:12 PM

Faithful I will hold onto your words. I do hope you are right. Oi look forward to feeling peace.

Thank you

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 22:12 PM

I'm on my 4 blue moon....Lol...
I'm with u girl.
Good dreams!!!!!!

Dang kindle...

[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 10:13 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

deena posted 5/9/2014 22:13 PM

Sheesh. Oi should have been just I.
I will blame it on the wine

deena posted 5/9/2014 22:15 PM

Faithful....what is a blue moon?
I like the name

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 22:15 PM

You can hold on yo my words....

You will hurt but it is different than having him in your face. You can breath and collect yourself!

Faithful w/Love posted 5/9/2014 22:17 PM

Okay this kindle or my drinking is messing my words..Lol....

Blue moon is a beer and I put orange slices in it. Very yummy.

deena posted 5/9/2014 22:17 PM

You can breath and collect yourself!

This sounds like heaven