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healingtree posted 5/10/2014 14:32 PM

Been processing my cross-country move, which is happening in a little over a month, and I got stuck in a huge fear of failure.

Normally I am an incredibly optimistic, positive, forward moving individual.

But try as I might, I couldn't keep that positive momentum going under the weight of that fear. If I was by myself it would be different...but my kids are depending on me to get this right.

The fear pulled me in. It reminded me loud and clear of all the other times I have failed. It said, this is going to be a disaster. Who are you to think you could actually do this? You have failed at every relationship, couldn't keep your family together, gave up a decent paying job for yet another failed move, failed relationship...and it just kept piling on.

And I was stuck there in this total fear, feeling so lost and alone. I did the only thing I could do, I reached out to a friend, an amazing friend.

Because sometimes you can't see beyond the feeling you are in.

I told her, I have failed so many times, with exs, with my family falling apart, and she said No HT...that is not YOUR failure, it is theirs. They failed you. You didn't fail.

We talked a bit more but those words...I so needed to be reminded. As time goes by, it is so easy to let the failure that belongs to someone else become our own.

Its not mine. I did my best. I gave everything I had and more. I was me. I was honest. I was faithful. I forgave. I did not fail. I survived, and beyond that.

I have failed at things don't get me wrong. But I do not own the failures of the men I trusted with my heart. They are NOT on me. Instead of failing, I succeeded. I became resilient. I developed faith. I am a good parent. My heart is still alive, vibrant, and full of love.

That is not failure.

If you ever feel like an epic fail (my words about myself!) Don't stay there, don't. Reach out to someone who knows you and can reflect back to you the truth of what is. The truth of who you are. Remind you of the good. And listen to them.

Or talk to me. Cause obviously, I know how it feels.


[This message edited by healingtree at 5:46 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

sheila0304 posted 5/10/2014 15:18 PM

I love this post. Thanks HT,
I too have many failed relationships, yet I can look in the mirror knowing I acted with integrity. Some of people who failed me have expressed shame for their behavior, still the relationships have been terminated. It makes be sad to no longer talk with these people, but they're toxic for me.
As the lyric in a song says, thankfully I see the good in goodbye.
I wish you the best on your journey.

Ashland13 posted 5/10/2014 17:35 PM

Thank you.

I have this too. Very big sometimes.

Our own minds can be hard to control. Sometimes a friend can reel us back in. Sometimes we can reel ourselves back in.

The it's most intense time, is almost like another life form. It can make small things seem so big. Even things that are not important at immediate present can change and take different shapes or importance.

Sometimes, a calendar helps to gain perspective and saying, "I don't have to worry about this quite yet, can help.

Yes, the fear is isolating and when there are many life changes, we can blame ourselves. One thing for me is the many NPD people around me and I seek out two friends I have known since childhood who also know my "family" and Perv. They've helped more than pills or a shrink ever could, as you say, too.

better4me posted 5/10/2014 17:50 PM

This is a wonderful post HT. I see myself in it.

I read something recently that said it is our perfectionism that tells us that it something doesn't work out it must be "our" fault. I don't consider myself a perfectionist at all, and I don't want to be one, so this is something that helps me too when I am feeling like I have failed. I am not responsible for every outcome...

I'm glad you wrote this. I'm glad your friend helped you through this. ((healingtree))

Sad in AZ posted 5/10/2014 20:14 PM

We've had parallel lives, HT. Moving that distance by yourself is never easy, but it's an adventure

stronggirl72 posted 5/10/2014 20:44 PM

I have more fear now than any of my days leading up to discovering the A, so I totally understand your feelings. I also associate with not wanting to fail your children, and how that can rule everything -- big and small.

I am so glad that you had the courage to reach out to a friend. I always think that its easier to not "burden" my friends with ANOTHER problem I'm having, but I always feel better after I hush that thought.

Thanks for sharing.

Your move is going to prove to be AWESOME!!!

healingtree posted 5/10/2014 21:53 PM

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding.

(((SI Friends)))

Mommato4 posted 5/11/2014 12:43 PM

Thank you for posting this. I relate so much feeling this right now.

It helps me to realize that in my latest relationship that imploded, it's not me who failed, it was his choice to end things by cheating and not being the adult and come to me to tell me his feelings about me and my kids had changed for him.

I have integrity, value, and good morals. I will be ok.

Thank you.

healingtree posted 5/11/2014 20:33 PM


ThoughtIKnewYa posted 5/16/2014 16:52 PM

hexed posted 5/16/2014 21:14 PM


You definitely didn't fail. Clearly he did. You are amazing. You have succeeded so many times in provided support and wisdom here at SI. You've succeeded in having a friend who is there for you in these moments. You've succeeded in making a big decision. So many people can't take on that kind of adventure.

When I was 18, I dropped full ride scholarship to a wonderful private university after one semester. Packed up my little car and drove from the PNW to southern florida over Christmas break to take a shitty job with worse hours. It was the best and worst decision of my life. In the end, there was a ton of good that came from it. It changed the course of my life but in the end my life is more about me and my series of choices than that one big decision.

Have faith in yourself. No matter where you go, you are who you are. That innate HT will shine through and direct you onto a new path.

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