Been processing my cross-country move, which is happening in a little over a month, and I got stuck in a huge fear of failure.
Normally I am an incredibly optimistic, positive, forward moving individual.
But try as I might, I couldn't keep that positive momentum going under the weight of that fear. If I was by myself it would be different...but my kids are depending on me to get this right.
The fear pulled me in. It reminded me loud and clear of all the other times I have failed. It said, this is going to be a disaster. Who are you to think you could actually do this? You have failed at every relationship, couldn't keep your family together, gave up a decent paying job for yet another failed move, failed relationship...and it just kept piling on.
And I was stuck there in this total fear, feeling so lost and alone. I did the only thing I could do, I reached out to a friend, an amazing friend.
Because sometimes you can't see beyond the feeling you are in.
I told her, I have failed so many times, with exs, with my family falling apart, and she said No HT...that is not YOUR failure, it is theirs. They failed you. You didn't fail.
We talked a bit more but those words...I so needed to be reminded. As time goes by, it is so easy to let the failure that belongs to someone else become our own.
Its not mine. I did my best. I gave everything I had and more. I was me. I was honest. I was faithful. I forgave. I did not fail. I survived, and beyond that.
I have failed at things don't get me wrong. But I do not own the failures of the men I trusted with my heart. They are NOT on me. Instead of failing, I succeeded. I became resilient. I developed faith. I am a good parent. My heart is still alive, vibrant, and full of love.
That is not failure.
If you ever feel like an epic fail (my words about myself!) Don't stay there, don't. Reach out to someone who knows you and can reflect back to you the truth of what is. The truth of who you are. Remind you of the good. And listen to them.
Or talk to me. Cause obviously, I know how it feels.