Sorry A good place to start is the "healing library"....its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen....read it....yeah, Bro - the whole thing...
Your wifes' BF....he married? If so ...does his wife know?
Your wife needs to go NC (no contact) with her BF - in order for R (reconciliation).....hes gotta go....a lot of affairs go underground at this point - be wary...do NOT stick your head into the sand....
Also....it gets kinda slow around here on the weekends...be patient....others will be around later...
At this point in my FWW (former Wayward Wife's) affair....I didn't believe very much of what she was saying.......cheaters lie.....
Keep us posted...
Iam so sorry you had this happen to you a second time. I was with someone I loved dearly and he kept cheating. When we were engaged I thought that he had finally made up his mind that I was the one. He was still cheating and I just happened to find out. Otherwise he would have never told me. Sadly, I think your wife will do this again.
You sound like such a dedicated partner. I hope that she will stop cheating on you. But I doubt it. Take care of yourself.
Tell someone in your family. You need support.
It's hard for me to believe she will go no contact when she still works with the guy. I want her to quit, even though that will hurt us financially..then I start thinking quitting will give her even more free time to screw around. She constantly used to complain about why we can't enroll our kids in daycare after school. I knew it was so she could spend more time being with her boyfriend on her days off while I was working so no way I would let her send the kids off. She's telling me she can request management to transfer the guy. I'm thinking huh? How the F&*k can she pull that off? Sounds like B.S.
I'm not sure if this person is married or not. I haven't confronted him yet. I'm thinking he might not be. The previous guy was and that's probably why he backed off. I didn't tell that person's wife. I know I probably should have found her and told her, but it seemed kind of petty to me.
I'm pretty realistic. I know the odds are against our marriage working out. I definitely don't plan on just taking this crap. But I'm also not a person that moves on easily and lets new people into my life. If the marriage ends, I'll probably won't be in another relationship and I accept that. The previous affair really impacted my work and my friendships in a negative way. I didn't feel comfortable turning to anyone, so I just closed myself off.
My wife is out of town right now. She's with her parents. I'm not sure what to do when she comes back next week and has to go back to work. It's going to drive me crazy.
What you need to do right now is make yourself and your healing the priority in your life. You cant change her, all you can do is change how you react to her. Read up in the healing library on the 180 and NC. Don't try and woo her back as she is and has been gone for a long time. Matter of fact if you think about it she should be bending over backwards to win you back. Check with an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities. You must make her infidelity difficult. As she is a consummate liar don't believe anything she says. WS are some of the best actors out there. They can sit there tears and snot running down their faces claiming you have the whole truth, swearing on the lives and souls of their kids only to be lying through their teeth trying to minimize what happened. You already know this as she has already done this to you. so stop listening and look for action. If she is serious about change her actions will dictate it, not her words. There is a million other things I want to say, but this is enough for now. Follow the advice your given, remember this is about YOU and your kids, please keep posting and reading. This shit sucks, but it can be navigated successfully if your smart and do what's right for you. Hang in there brother, its gonna get worse before it gets better.
Also I need to pick her up from the airport next week. I haven't seen her since this happened. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. Any advice? Keep in mind, my kids haven't seen her either.
Says sheíll go to counselling
Usually, not always, when a married woman continues to have affairs, there is usually a deeper issue. Sometimes this can be low self-esteem because of childhood issues. These childhood issues can be sexual abuse.
She obviously does not know anything about boundaries and other guys can see this.
She most certainly needs therapy now and she has to be honest with you and herself. She is most likely been lying to herself for years.
She's telling me she wants to make things right and told me we could call the OM together when she gets back in town to tell him it's over. I have a feeling she probably already warned him what's coming and they are going to lay low. It's what happened last time with the first guy.
What kind of qualifications should we look for in a marriage counselor? Is it a good idea to go to a church?
..have to go. My baby's tugging me.
I have a feeling she probably already warned him what's coming
And they have already gotten their stories straight.
This is one reason I have never had a great deal of faith in NC letters, they usually aren't worth the paper they are written on.
From now on, you have to watch and question her every move if you plan on R and staying together.
She is to come home from work on time, watch her paycheck hours if she is paid hourly. You might even consider gps tracking device in her car or if she has an iPhone.
Churches are great for giving you faith and making you feel better. A nice chat with the pastor can always make you feel better. But for MC, my opinion is to find one that is well versed in the problems of affairs.
the pain stops when you say it stops. It is obvious she is not a candidate for R.
You need to get your finances in order and prepare to file for D. You also need to tell her manager. If she loses her job, so be it. She in fact may be trying to protect her and her OM because if you leave her, she'll want a job. But she doesn't get to make the decisions anymore. You need to take care of yourself and your children. Forget about her. She will either come on board with you or she won't.
you need to detach (don't ever think about changing her). detach and begin planning a life without her. The sooner you do the sooner you will be out of this cycle of pain. I have found there is a clarity and peace that comes from making the decision to take care of yourself and not worry about what your broken partner does or needs. It really is the best thing.
[This message edited by mike7 at 9:18 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
She got in her defensive mode and seemed to show no remorse. Then she calls me back before I'm about to go to work and asks me not to tell her employer because she and him will get fired.
Says she doesn't really care about his job but does hers.
Of course she does. She also cares that everyone not know, and that she can keep her secret as long as possible. See that means no consequences to her actions.
That's the first thing out of her mouth. Not "how are you feeling" or "I know you're angry but please try and forgive me".
I'm supposed to pick her up at the airport in a few days. I'm not sure what to do or how to act. Is counseling even worth it? I feel like I'm going in a downward spiral. I seriously need help.
OK, take a deep breath. Process this situation. what is the next step. What are your conditions to enable her to stay in the marriage a few months while you figure it all out. NC?
Transparency? NC letter sent? Expose the A to his W? She must go to IC? Put it on paper. Have it ready for her to see. If she balks at any, send her ass packin'.
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:51 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
I agree that her actions have to have consequences. And I do not see you feel very good about her and the OM working at the same job.
Is this a very good job, one that can never be filled again? In this economy, making a spouse quit a job or stay working with the OM is a terrible decision to have to make.
But if at all possible, I would say TS on losing the job. Should have thought about that before.
Do you believe her affair is still going on?
What you are going through is hard enough, to have to do this long distance is hell. I would say not to do anything until she gets home and go from there.
But it does bother me that she is more concerned for her job than what she has done to you. That tells me she really has no idea how bad having an affair really is. She has no idea the huge magnitude of the wrong.
And with that mindset, there is nothing stopping her from either continuing the A or moving on to another other guy.
She left the country to be with her family a day or two after the last text messages. Considering she was careless enough to save the text messages to her e-mail for future enjoyment before deleting them, I don't think she was in the process of ending it. But she claims that's part of the reason she left.
She has a very good job and gets paid good money. He has a lousy job..think arranging things in the backroom and some isles in the store. I told her to just ask for a transfer to a different store. I don't think it's even that hard to move her. But she says she's very "comfortable" there...easy hours and slow pace. She says she can just ask him to move because "these people" get moved all the time. Losing the job would just give her more free time..makes me worried she'll go to him or someone else during all the spare time.
Like you said, I have a hard time believing in NC letters. It seems so easy to write lies on a piece of paper. I'm pretty sure she has already warned him during her time away. I was thinking we both go and meet the guy or have her call him on speakerphone and end it..if she really wants to end it.
Have you talked to this OM?
Whether or not your wife quits her job, she needs to become completely transparent with everything without arguing.
But her working with the OM will be very hard for you to ever trust her there.
How does your wife discuss this with you. Is she truly sorry or is she just blowing it off.
What are her reasons for having an affair.
Sounds to me like she doesnt think this is a big deal and that sure is a warning sign right there.