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ambush posted 5/10/2014 15:26 PM

Me and my wife have been married for 12 years and have children. After we got married, she moved with me to another city because of my job. We loved each other but I knew she missed her friends and family. After she got a job a year later, she started making friends at work. Sometimes she would go out with friends and I was okay with that. I was happy she was finding new people to talk to and I had no issues looking after the kids during the times she went out. I completely trusted her. Things started falling apart around 5 years ago. She seemed more distant and didnít really seem to care as much about me or the kids anymore. I started getting suspicious and began seeing some clues that she was cheating. I confronted her several times and she denied it. I finally confirmed it after I went through her cell phone text messages one night while she was sleeping. She was sexting this guy she worked with, writing dirty letters and sending naked photos of herself to him. I confronted her. She denied it, then started blaming me, and then started telling me that she loved me and asked for forgiveness. After being Píd off for a few days I started forgiving her. She asked me not to tell anyone and told me she would break it off with him. I found out she was lying..started seeing him again. I confronted the guy, and he promised he wouldnít see her again. I donít know how much longer it went on after that, but I got the feeling it was over.
My wife got pregnant again. We had another kid. After everything that happened, I wondered if he was even mine. After a while, I didnít want to know because I loved him too much. Flash forward to a few years later and I find more text messagesÖthis time to a different guy. Another person at her work place. Iím crushedÖdonít know what to do. I donít think Iím capable of moving on without her. Sheís the only person, I truly ever loved. Iím also worried about the kids and how they would handle it. If she gets custody, I worry about how she will raise them. I go through cycles of feeling trapped, enraged, worthless. I just donít feel like going through this again. My kids are the only thing that keeps me going now. My wife is asking for forgiveness..again. Says sheíll go to counselling, break everything off..the usual. Sometimes I feel like telling my parents, but they already donít get along with her and if they found out about all this it would be another challenge. I donít think they can really do anything to make me feel better anyway. I donít want to tell anyone else I know about this. I canít get all the disgusting things Iíve read and all the lies she's told out of my mind. I know I need to deal with this myself, but I donít know what to do.

bufffalo posted 5/10/2014 15:48 PM


Sorry A good place to start is the "healing library"....its in the yellow box on the left side of this it....yeah, Bro - the whole thing...

Your wifes' BF....he married? If so ...does his wife know?

Your wife needs to go NC (no contact) with her BF - in order for R (reconciliation).....hes gotta go....a lot of affairs go underground at this point - be NOT stick your head into the sand.... gets kinda slow around here on the patient....others will be around later...

At this point in my FWW (former Wayward Wife's) affair....I didn't believe very much of what she was saying.......cheaters lie.....

Keep us posted...


CrushedByLies posted 5/10/2014 19:52 PM


Iam so sorry you had this happen to you a second time. I was with someone I loved dearly and he kept cheating. When we were engaged I thought that he had finally made up his mind that I was the one. He was still cheating and I just happened to find out. Otherwise he would have never told me. Sadly, I think your wife will do this again.

You sound like such a dedicated partner. I hope that she will stop cheating on you. But I doubt it. Take care of yourself.

CrushedByLies posted 5/10/2014 19:53 PM


Tell someone in your family. You need support.

Badhurt posted 5/10/2014 20:28 PM

Keep posting and you will get good advice to follow. Until YOU change the statement that you cannot go on without her you will be unable to stop this repeated infidelity. As long as she knows and believes she can get away with this and you will be there, there is no incentive at all to change. You will get a lot of advice on 180, but that works better if there is some remorse on wife's part. By ignoring her you give her more space to do what she wants.
Until she believes her status and lifestyle could change dramatically nothing anyone tells you can help you of you don't implement anything. You need to confront big time , aggressively, and make it clear she will not stay married to you and continue to bang other me .

ambush posted 5/11/2014 02:51 AM

Thank you so much for the responses. I spent some time going out with my kids today and they made me feed better. But now it's another night of not being able to sleep.

It's hard for me to believe she will go no contact when she still works with the guy. I want her to quit, even though that will hurt us financially..then I start thinking quitting will give her even more free time to screw around. She constantly used to complain about why we can't enroll our kids in daycare after school. I knew it was so she could spend more time being with her boyfriend on her days off while I was working so no way I would let her send the kids off. She's telling me she can request management to transfer the guy. I'm thinking huh? How the F&*k can she pull that off? Sounds like B.S.

I'm not sure if this person is married or not. I haven't confronted him yet. I'm thinking he might not be. The previous guy was and that's probably why he backed off. I didn't tell that person's wife. I know I probably should have found her and told her, but it seemed kind of petty to me.

I'm pretty realistic. I know the odds are against our marriage working out. I definitely don't plan on just taking this crap. But I'm also not a person that moves on easily and lets new people into my life. If the marriage ends, I'll probably won't be in another relationship and I accept that. The previous affair really impacted my work and my friendships in a negative way. I didn't feel comfortable turning to anyone, so I just closed myself off.

My wife is out of town right now. She's with her parents. I'm not sure what to do when she comes back next week and has to go back to work. It's going to drive me crazy.

stronger08 posted 5/11/2014 04:26 AM

Brother I'm sorry your here, but welcome to the best place you could have landed considering the circumstances. Your first mistake here is that your allowing her to call the shots. You let her dictate what was going to happen the first time and naturally she is a repeat offender. And the reason for this is because you have let her get away with the type of behaviors without any sort of consequence. She goes out and cheats, lies about it until she is totally busted, tells you its over and lies some more, tells you what she thinks you want to hear and gets you to keep her little secret quiet. The only one hurt here is you my man. she got to go out and screw around multiple times, the OM' got to get laid and you got stuck with the proverbial bill. I strongly suggest you change your approach here. First off expose her cheating ass. The more you keep her dirty secrets, the more she is going to keep doing them. Toss her ass out. She likes to cheat, so let her go to her OM and let him support her. This woman needs to be forced fed some serious consequence and that needs to come from you. Let her experience what life is going to be without you in it. Cut her off completely, no support period. Not emotional, financial, spiritual etc. Take care of your kids, but that's it. Also find out more about OM. If he is M himself, inform his BS. I would also let their employer know of what's been going on. As I would with her family as well. This is no shame on you my man, this is her shame and your carrying it for her. Stop that now !!!

What you need to do right now is make yourself and your healing the priority in your life. You cant change her, all you can do is change how you react to her. Read up in the healing library on the 180 and NC. Don't try and woo her back as she is and has been gone for a long time. Matter of fact if you think about it she should be bending over backwards to win you back. Check with an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities. You must make her infidelity difficult. As she is a consummate liar don't believe anything she says. WS are some of the best actors out there. They can sit there tears and snot running down their faces claiming you have the whole truth, swearing on the lives and souls of their kids only to be lying through their teeth trying to minimize what happened. You already know this as she has already done this to you. so stop listening and look for action. If she is serious about change her actions will dictate it, not her words. There is a million other things I want to say, but this is enough for now. Follow the advice your given, remember this is about YOU and your kids, please keep posting and reading. This shit sucks, but it can be navigated successfully if your smart and do what's right for you. Hang in there brother, its gonna get worse before it gets better.

Uhtred posted 5/11/2014 10:07 AM

I second strongers advice to the letter. This time you call the shots and expose her for what she is. If she can endure all of that, accept her shame, and show you true remorse then you may have a shot. She needs to feel and see the consequences of having an affair. I'm sorry your hurting brother and you've come to the right place but you have to put your foot down.

ambush posted 5/11/2014 17:06 PM

I called my wife and told her we would go to her store and tell the manager there the situation and ask him to transfer this @$$hole. She freaked out and claimed they would fire her. Would they really terminate her for something non work related? It seems like she's just trying to protect their relationship.

Also I need to pick her up from the airport next week. I haven't seen her since this happened. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. Any advice? Keep in mind, my kids haven't seen her either.

craig2001 posted 5/11/2014 20:24 PM

Says sheíll go to counselling
That is a must. She has to find out what is going on and so do you.

Usually, not always, when a married woman continues to have affairs, there is usually a deeper issue. Sometimes this can be low self-esteem because of childhood issues. These childhood issues can be sexual abuse.

She obviously does not know anything about boundaries and other guys can see this.

She most certainly needs therapy now and she has to be honest with you and herself. She is most likely been lying to herself for years.

ambush posted 5/12/2014 18:13 PM

Whey I called my wife out on the affair, she freaked out and told her mom. Normally I would take this as a good sign but she did tell her mom the last time too and she kept going. I spoke to her mom and she begged me to reconcile with her.

She's telling me she wants to make things right and told me we could call the OM together when she gets back in town to tell him it's over. I have a feeling she probably already warned him what's coming and they are going to lay low. It's what happened last time with the first guy.

What kind of qualifications should we look for in a marriage counselor? Is it a good idea to go to a church?

..have to go. My baby's tugging me.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/12/2014 20:03 PM

sorry you're in this difficult situation. ... i know it's hard to make a decision when you risk losing your life as you've known it.

craig2001 posted 5/13/2014 08:59 AM

I have a feeling she probably already warned him what's coming
I can almost guarantee you that she has told the OM that you are going to call him.

And they have already gotten their stories straight.

This is one reason I have never had a great deal of faith in NC letters, they usually aren't worth the paper they are written on.

From now on, you have to watch and question her every move if you plan on R and staying together.

She is to come home from work on time, watch her paycheck hours if she is paid hourly. You might even consider gps tracking device in her car or if she has an iPhone.

Complete transparency.

Churches are great for giving you faith and making you feel better. A nice chat with the pastor can always make you feel better. But for MC, my opinion is to find one that is well versed in the problems of affairs.

ambush posted 5/13/2014 09:04 AM

I'm having a bad day today. I reread the text messages my wife and the OM. I just can't get passed it. She went to him on Easter Sunday. Texted with him on our anniversary..nothing seems to be off limits with her. I blew up with her while talking to her on the phone. She got in her defensive mode and seemed to show no remorse. Then she calls me back before I'm about to go to work and asks me not to tell her employer because she and him will get fired. Says she doesn't really care about his job but does hers. That's the first thing out of her mouth. Not "how are you feeling" or "I know you're angry but please try and forgive me". I'm supposed to pick her up at the airport in a few days. I'm not sure what to do or how to act. Is counseling even worth it? I feel like I'm going in a downward spiral. I seriously need help.

mike7 posted 5/13/2014 09:13 AM

ambush, i am sorry this is happening to you.

the pain stops when you say it stops. It is obvious she is not a candidate for R.

You need to get your finances in order and prepare to file for D. You also need to tell her manager. If she loses her job, so be it. She in fact may be trying to protect her and her OM because if you leave her, she'll want a job. But she doesn't get to make the decisions anymore. You need to take care of yourself and your children. Forget about her. She will either come on board with you or she won't.

you need to detach (don't ever think about changing her). detach and begin planning a life without her. The sooner you do the sooner you will be out of this cycle of pain. I have found there is a clarity and peace that comes from making the decision to take care of yourself and not worry about what your broken partner does or needs. It really is the best thing.

good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:18 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

lordhasaplan? posted 5/13/2014 09:49 AM

First, time to take control of this. YOUR IN CONTROL! she needs to learn that ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

She got in her defensive mode and seemed to show no remorse. Then she calls me back before I'm about to go to work and asks me not to tell her employer because she and him will get fired.

Should have thought about that before screwing your Ho-worker. Actions have consequences. A truly remorseful WW owns their shit and takes the consequences of her actions. Then attempts to rebuild from there.

Says she doesn't really care about his job but does hers.

Of course she does. She also cares that everyone not know, and that she can keep her secret as long as possible. See that means no consequences to her actions.

That's the first thing out of her mouth. Not "how are you feeling" or "I know you're angry but please try and forgive me".

YEP, that is because its all about her. PS, don't talk to her mom, she will turn on your ass as quickly as she can when her daughter sees consequences.

I'm supposed to pick her up at the airport in a few days. I'm not sure what to do or how to act. Is counseling even worth it? I feel like I'm going in a downward spiral. I seriously need help.

OK, take a deep breath. Process this situation. what is the next step. What are your conditions to enable her to stay in the marriage a few months while you figure it all out. NC?
Transparency? NC letter sent? Expose the A to his W? She must go to IC? Put it on paper. Have it ready for her to see. If she balks at any, send her ass packin'.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:51 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

Tom67 posted 5/13/2014 10:28 AM

Lordhasaplan is spot on she needs to write a full time line of events for both affairs and be willing to take a polygraph.
I suggest you get ic along with her.
In the future for medical reasons DNA the second kid but that is down the line.

craig2001 posted 5/13/2014 10:30 AM

Is this the same job she had 13 years ago with a co-worker?

I agree that her actions have to have consequences. And I do not see you feel very good about her and the OM working at the same job.

Is this a very good job, one that can never be filled again? In this economy, making a spouse quit a job or stay working with the OM is a terrible decision to have to make.

But if at all possible, I would say TS on losing the job. Should have thought about that before.

Do you believe her affair is still going on?

What you are going through is hard enough, to have to do this long distance is hell. I would say not to do anything until she gets home and go from there.

But it does bother me that she is more concerned for her job than what she has done to you. That tells me she really has no idea how bad having an affair really is. She has no idea the huge magnitude of the wrong.

And with that mindset, there is nothing stopping her from either continuing the A or moving on to another other guy.

ambush posted 5/13/2014 16:44 PM

My wife was in a different company when she had her affair with the first guy. He wasn't even working there when I found out. He was fired for some reason. That was a year or more before I found out about the affair. I never trusted the guy, but since he was gone and I still trusted her I let my guard down.

She left the country to be with her family a day or two after the last text messages. Considering she was careless enough to save the text messages to her e-mail for future enjoyment before deleting them, I don't think she was in the process of ending it. But she claims that's part of the reason she left.

She has a very good job and gets paid good money. He has a lousy job..think arranging things in the backroom and some isles in the store. I told her to just ask for a transfer to a different store. I don't think it's even that hard to move her. But she says she's very "comfortable" there...easy hours and slow pace. She says she can just ask him to move because "these people" get moved all the time. Losing the job would just give her more free time..makes me worried she'll go to him or someone else during all the spare time.

Like you said, I have a hard time believing in NC letters. It seems so easy to write lies on a piece of paper. I'm pretty sure she has already warned him during her time away. I was thinking we both go and meet the guy or have her call him on speakerphone and end it..if she really wants to end it.

craig2001 posted 5/13/2014 16:50 PM

Making her quit is no reason to believe that the affair will end.

Have you talked to this OM?

Whether or not your wife quits her job, she needs to become completely transparent with everything without arguing.

But her working with the OM will be very hard for you to ever trust her there.

How does your wife discuss this with you. Is she truly sorry or is she just blowing it off.

What are her reasons for having an affair.

Sounds to me like she doesnt think this is a big deal and that sure is a warning sign right there.

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