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When will I ever get over this??

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JMOM posted 5/10/2014 17:57 PM

Hello! Thank you for being here!
First let me say this is my very first post and I am completely new at the abbreviated language on this site. Forgive me if I dont use the appropriate acronyms, etc. I will learn soon enough. :)

I am so overcome with grief today that I had to reach out. I literally cannot function today.

In September 2011, I learned that my husband of 20 years was having an affair. A fight ensued (of course) and he left. He NEVER CAME BACK after that. Like literally. He never entered our 20 year family home again. He immediately moved in with his mistress and I hear they will be married at the end of this year. My children are/were devastated.

I immediately got a second job. And still couldn't make it financially. My heart was/is broken. I have a supportive family and this is how I have gotten by.

9 months after he left, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (benign). I have gained weight, and gotten sicker and sicker. A year after this happened, I knew I needed to go back to school to make more money so I could support my children. I have accomplished one year of grad school and am proud of that. (SOOOO Difficult to accomplish this while sick, working two jobs, raising kids and being completely overcome with grief over the betrayal).

However, my soul and my heart are so shattered that EVERY DAY I walk around like my heart will fall out of my chest because it is SO FULL OF PAIN.

When will this go away? When will life EVER feel better? I am SO wounded. I can not see my way out of this pain. I have blessings in my life. My children are amazing. I have a loving sister and mother.

My, now ex husband lives three miles away with his girlfriend (mistress). I can't even go into my community without scanning every minute for fear that the sight of them together would crush me even further.

He has NOTHING to do with his kids. Nothing. He text my youngest about 10 times in the last 2 1/2 years. But is consumed with his mistresses children and doesn't engage at all.

Please tell me that this gets better. PLEASE. I have little hope that I will ever be happy again and that I can ever trust a single person on the planet. I fear that I will die from this sadness.

Thank you for listening.

LeftOutintheCold posted 5/10/2014 18:36 PM

I am so sorry for your situation. I hear the pain in your post. I can't offer any real words of encouragement as I am in the early stages of a similar situation. My WH walked out the night he told me of the affair and hasn't been back since.

I wanted to let you know you were heard and I'm sending thoughts of strength your way. There will be others here who will be by who are further out than I am. If you haven't done so already, read some of the healing library that is in the yellow box in the left hand corner.


emptiness2014 posted 5/10/2014 18:36 PM


I am sorry you find yourself here, but glad you reached out. Are you receiving any financial support from your ex? Like alimony or child support? I would be exhausted and depressed if.I was taking on as much as you too!

I can't speak to when the pain will go away, as we are in-house separated and it hasn't been that long. I am sorry you are still struggling. Are you in any kind of therapy? On any anti-depressants? Do you have family you could move in with so you don't have to work so much? It sounds like you are running yourself into the ground.

Keep venting and posting here. Writing can really help, and hearing from others experiencing the same thing makes it a little less lonely.

justinpaintoday posted 5/10/2014 18:52 PM

JMOM: YOu r in the right place lady. We got your back and you just picked up a few thousand new brothers and sisters. I will give you my opinion.

1) Ur H: There's a really sad awakening coming to anyone who can walk away from a family like that. As a Christian I won;t say a cold place in hell but wow that's pretty frickin low. (I hope SBB chimes in here, she'll give you enough righteous anger to start your fire)

2) Healing is an action not a noun. No one will ever make you feel better. You are going to have to be very deliberate in your healing efforts. Counseling for you and your children, pastoral counseling (if this applies to your faith), a network of friends. Books (free at library and there are tons of them).

The truth is life has dealt you some setbacks, you are not a failure for getting knocked down. You only fail if you don;lt get back up. You have blessing to fight for. You have beautiful kids that probably adore you. You survive a damn brain tumor, Your kickin ass in school.

JMOM ur future is gonna shine. Reach out and get some help to put some of the pieces together.

IF YOU STRUGGLE post here. Anytime and anything. Literally we are all in the same boat in one way or the other. You'll read better and worse stories. But you are not and will not be alone as long as your here posting.

Rooting for you girl...go kick some emotional ass. You got this.

Ivyivy posted 5/10/2014 19:06 PM

I hear you and am amazed at how well you seem to be handling the circumstances that you were dealt. I am inspired by your strength and determination. Since I am fairly new to this, I too do not know what the future holds. But I think that one day things will get better. I keep thinking that to get through each day. Sending you strength...

Sadmumma posted 5/10/2014 19:11 PM

J mom... I hear you, I really do.

It burns like hell when the moron wants nothing to do with his kids... It really does. It hurts for them but you need to know you can't carry that hurt. It's not good for you or the kids... Are they in IC?

Are YOU in councelling. I know your hurting... I know there are struggles being a single mum. When they other parent doesn't give a damn. But you need to work on you. Go to the library, checkout some books, do something for you.... Get strong, work on you... Read here, post here... You can do this....

JMOM posted 5/10/2014 19:25 PM

Leftoutinthecold, Justinpaintoday, Emptiness, Sadmumma and Ivyivy,

I am unsure of how to reply to all of you individually. I am still figuring this forum out. I am SO SO SO SO SO grateful for your kindness. I cant stop crying as I write this. I feel so desperate for some relief and knowing I am not alone has helped facilitate some of that.

He is not paying any support or alimony. I did go to court and he was ordered to pay. I received child support for 3 months and then he got his FREE attorney through his union job to file another request. In that request(or whatever it is called) he stated that he had the children full time. I of course filed a rebuttal and then he and his attorney came back with more... Bottom line, I couldn't keep taking time of of work to go to court and I did not have representation. So I gave up. My mental health could not handle it and my physical health was not good either. I just gave up.

I am So stunned that all of you have gone through this. I seriously don't know how we are all standing. I am so proud of you all for being on here and helping others.

You are all so kind to be in so much pain and reach out to others. I appreciate the cheer leading too. I NEED the support. I tried counseling. But since I work 58 hours a week and go to school, I dont know where to fit it in. I will utilize this forum as much as I can because I am unsure that I can go on this way without something seriously happening to me.

Thank you all. Brave and Courageous souls you are.


justinpaintoday posted 5/10/2014 20:31 PM

JMOM: I have a few more things for you to think about.

1) As you see you are not alone...4 months ago many of the ones who replied here could barely pick themselves up off the floor (me included). This sight will be a godsend for you since your support network seems weak.

2) Counseling is not a luxury. It is survival. If you can;t take care of you you will not be able to take care of others (kids). It has been quite a while since this happened and you are still reeling. It is okay to admit you can;t navigate your way through this by yourself. I can;t (I am in IC, did MC, pastoral counseling, meds, BFF calla me everyday at least once, SI). You gotta get some tools in that toolbox to work this stuff out. It sounds like you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and need some mandatory help. DO THIS for U.

3) BS on child support. He must take care of his obligations. Get your attorney to attack the SOB and get the money ur kids need to thrive. If you can;t be in the same room with him they will usually make other accomodations.

I am not trying to overwhelm you I promise but you have been stuck a long time and you deserve better for yourself. You are worth every scrap of fight you can muster.

Raspberry posted 5/10/2014 20:48 PM

Oh this is so hard to read. Really breaks my heart for you.

I'm not sure if the pain will go away, or when and how as I'm new to this pain but I want to congratulate you on your accomplishments. That's amazing and you should be very proud of yourself. Your kids already know what an amazing person you are. Its your ex's loss...karma will bite him in the ass eventually. Big hugs and sending some healing vibes.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 5/11/2014 00:05 AM


Stories like yours just piss me off so much. Creeps.

I have had patients (am a nurse) that I have seen after their being admitted to the hospital for chest pain because of just finding out their ws had been cheating on them. I have heard so many stories of peoples' lives and the things they have had to endure, it's incredible. And you are added to this list now. I have never told them what happened to me, just that I so understand.

The fact you're having to live with such a stressful health and all the involved issues, AND work, AND work a second job, AND school, AND kids, AND he never came back, AND he is all involved with the Ofamily. Dear God in heaven.

Just makes me so mad.

The pain is excrutiating. I am so sorry.

I hope you are in IC. I could not have made it without it in the first year. My IC left town then and I just couldn't stand starting over trying to find another good one, but there have been many many days I wanted to, but I white knuckled it on my own.

It helped me to work extra my first year which was the worst time, very engaged with lots of people and heavy workload.

Letting yourself feel the anger helps alot. Get mad!

Keep reading and posting here. And drinking lots of water, fluids, and eating healthy foods. Sleep and take walks outdoors everyday to let it all out. Keeping up your hydration is very important.

Perhaps you were so distracted by your health that you had to not relate to the pain of ws leaving, and now you're going thru this pain in full now. It's been 3 yrs. for me and I still get mad, a little pain with a trigger but nothing like the first year or 2nd. I do hate that some things will trigger me, even the coping places and things I did can cause a trigger.

You cannot ignore, just feel the pain, cry, then get mad, then go on. Therefore the roller coaster.

Good luck, JMOM. You sound so incredibly strong.

PS.I have also laughed at anything that has even a spark of humor to it. And definitely at myself. I have had to come up with some corny coping behaviors that fortunately everyone doesn't see. (Lots of talking to myself).It will come in time, but you may not be near this yet.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 12:12 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]

JMOM posted 5/11/2014 00:23 AM

Justinpaintoday, Rasberry, and Thinking too much,

Thank you so much. I think you all are right. I desperately need therapy. Thank you for your kindness. I need it so badly. So desperately.

Because I just finished my first year of grad school literally 2 days ago, I now have time to think and I have had 2 days off in a row from work which has not happened in 2 1/2 years. So my mind brings me to the gut wrenching pain. I read what Justinpaintoday said about PTSD and I swear I never considered it but I think I might have this. I am in a paranoid state all the time trying to avoid anything that brings it back up. I was married to him for 20 years and as much I thought I got all of his things out of the house, sometimes I will find something that belongs to him and I melt down. I am just scared that I will keep getting sick(physical) and my kids will never see a "normal" mom again. I needed the encouragement to drink more water, utilize this forum, get IC. Thank you all so much. I literally didn't know if I could survive this day. My eyes sting from the crying. You are all so kind.

I think you are right Thinkingtoomuch, I have not had a second to grieve and now it is all flooding through me. My ex works for a very very well known trucking (delivery) company. Every time I see the brown truck in my neighborhood or ANYWHERE, I freak out. I start panicking and try to avert my eyes because its like hes the enemy. I cant go anywhere for fear of seeing him.

Thank you for reminding me of the need to go outside. Need to eat and drink. I forget. I am so isolated its easy to forget.

Thank you all. I am indebted for your kindness.


JMOM posted 5/11/2014 00:29 AM

And by the way.. I have lost all but 2 friends because I work so much and go to school. I have not been able to maintain friendships and that is my fault. Its just, I don't know how to when I am so tired. I used to be so social and fun and beautiful. I am not anymore. I miss me. I hope I get me back someday. These things make me so grateful to you strangers who said kind things to me. I needed to hear them so badly.

Thank you.

healingtree posted 5/11/2014 00:57 AM


Some of us fall apart completely, and can't even make buttered toast. Some of us throw ourselves into life and busy-ness so fiercely that we do not have time to process or grieve.

I'm thinking you fall into category #2.

I can tell you you will survive this, and you can thrive and be happy.

My first D-day, with my first husband, was so long ago that I can't even remember what year it was, though I DO remember that it was April Fool's Day when his girlfriend came over in the middle of the night to inform me of their relationship, and how badly he was treating her

And my second WSO, well that was back in 2007. And I actually forgave him. Yeah I know. He was an alcoholic, blamed it on that, and stayed sober for four years. In that time, we "rebuilt" our relationship, moved to a new state, and started over.

Then, he bailed. Off into the sunset towing his boat behind him...has seen our son one time since the big bailout in 2012.

You know how I know you will survive? Because I did. And you can to.

He epically failed. In every way. You didn't. He did.

Please, take some time to do things you LIKE to do, to make new friends (maybe here) and bring little by little some joy and fun back into your life. Baby steps to get there, baby steps.

If you need motivation...think of it this way...

Every time you think of him, and feel like breaking down or do, he is taking away YOUR LIFE. Yours. Don't let him. Its your life. It belongs to you. It seems like you are kicking ass and taking numbers (masters? really? wow.)

Learn to celebrate you.

Do a random cartwheel.

I promise you. You will get through this.

Your life is so much more important than the memories of him.

Love to you!!!!!


finallymefirst posted 5/11/2014 05:42 AM

I'm so sorry this has happened (((JMOM))). Hopefully ur not considering going to summer school and will have some time to yourself to just be. This is a great site and there are a lot of helpful people. Just remember that this is totally about him. He is not a good person. He might have been in the past, but he is not now. Feel the pain and one day it will hurt a little less. I promise you. You might need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. Consider EAP for counseling from your job and legal aid in your area for legal assistance. Pray if your a praying person. Prayer is the only thing that truly helped me because this was waaayy bigger than me.

suckstobeme posted 5/11/2014 06:48 AM

Honey, you are going to get through and your life will be full of love, family, friends, success and authenticity. You will get there. It's just that the trip to "there" can suck.

You've come to the right place. There are thousands of us who have gone before you and will give all kinds of advice. What you like, take in. What you don't, throw away. But at least you know you're never alone.

I hope through all of this you can see what a piece of shit your ex is and that this has nothing to do with you. No one, and I mean no one, who is normal, rational, and emotionally intelligent turns around one day after 20 years and never looks back on the wife and children he left. He's a fucked up person, in very simple terms. He's got so many more issues than you will ever know about or see. In time, you will probably pity him for living like such a phony monster. And OW? She's just too stupid and selfish to see the "prize" that she won. She snagged a guy who had no problem whatsoever forgetting his past. She's not so special that he won't do it again. No one is that special. You will pity her one day too, trust me.

Now, as far as the legal side of this, I hope you will reconsider taking this shit head back to court. He's part of a union and pays nothing for child support? This was a 20 year marriage and he was ordered to pay no alimony? That's bullshit. Absolute bullshit! Please think about going back to fight for your rights and the rights of your kids.

As far as living in the same town as him and OW, I would think about selling the house once you finish grad school and secure a good job. I don't know if he owns the marital home or if he's even ordered to receive a part of the equity, but I would think about it. My idiot ex lives in a different town with OW. I grew up about 10 minutes from there and am very familiar with the area. I've been invited to dinners and events in that town and can't bring myself to go there. I can't imagine if I lived near those morons and had a chance of seeing them at the bank or the grocery store or the local shops. Please think about untangling yourself from that mess. If he doesn't see the kids, it won't be hard to move to find your new start.

Things seem overwhelming now, but you're a survivor and you will find your new beginning soon. Please just think about finishing the legal aspect of this mess, and going to individual counseling to help you get through. Please read, post here, and take this one day at time knowing that we are all pulling for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/11/2014 08:46 AM

It's time to approach whatever social services are available to you in order to right the wrong your scumbag husband pulled to get out of paying child support.

Make that your FIRST priority, not your last.

The reason you're working two jobs and running yourself into the ground is because the asshat has chosen not to help. GET HIM to do the right thing.

devasted30 posted 5/11/2014 09:26 AM

Anti depressants. Are you on them? If not, they may be helpful. The way my doctor explained it was this way. Your body produces serotonin and when stuff like this happens it is unable to produce enough. So hence you become depressed. When you become depressed, you need to produce more serotonin but your body cannot keep up. The medication helps produce this for you. You might need to see your doctor and talk to him. It sure can't hurt.

JMOM posted 5/11/2014 11:03 AM

OMG. You all are the most incredible people on the planet. I swear I love Wounded Healers. The brokenness and pain bonds people, doesn't it?

I appreciate So much your personal stories as it helps me to identify. I DEFINITELY think I need anti-depressants. I have been putting it off because I thought this would pass. You are all so insightful and kind.

Healingtree.. thank you for reminding me that he owns me if I let him destroy my day. Thank you so much! Very Powerful sentiments.

Finallymefirst, Thank you so much! I AM off school for the summer. I am PROMISING to enter therapy with my "extra" time. You are so kind. And PRAYER. YES!!! I needed a reminder. I forget sometimes.

Suckstobeme, I like your flavor! lol. He is a Piece of shit. Am I disgusting if I love that someone said it!? Thank you!

"No one, and I mean no one, who is normal, rational, and emotionally intelligent turns around one day after 20 years and never looks back on the wife and children he left. He's a fucked up person, in very simple terms. He's got so many more issues than you will ever know about or see." This WAS huge for me. I needed to hear that! Thank you!

NeverAgain2013, You are right. Perhaps this summer I can explore legal aid and social services and get some help. I am just so scared to see him at court with his mistress (now girlfriend). So scared for them to see how down hill I have gone. I have gained weight and dont look pretty anymore. But I just have to do it. Thank you for the push.

Devastated30- Thank you. I need to explore medication. Nothing is getting better. Its so hard. Maybe this is my time. Maybe, I just got on this forum to have you all nurture me back to life.

You are are such blessings to me. I TRULY am SO grateful that you all reached out to me to offer support. I am overcome with gratitude.

Happy Mothers Day to all mommas and thank you for mothering me back to life today.


Saadnblu posted 5/11/2014 11:13 AM

JMOM, you are not alone! I think you've received some great advice, and I second the anti depressants. I'm also taking grad classes, and it's been very challenging but I think they saved my life. However, it does sound as though you need some financial cushioning. I hope you will consider getting yourself some kind of legal assistance--what he has done is absolutely unacceptable--and I hope you will stand up for yourself. Sending you big virtual hugs on Mothers Day. Let's both enjoy our day--ok?

JMOM posted 5/11/2014 11:18 AM


Yes. We WILL enjoy our day! I am so proud of you for going to school. I had no idea how hard it would be. But it has helped me too to distract me! You are strong and brave!

Thank you so much!

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