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I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm tired.

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HeBrokeVows posted 5/10/2014 18:35 PM

Sorry for the vent but I'm feeling all these emotions. While I have an amazing support system of family and friends, when I'm home alone with the kids it hits me. And hard. Today we were busy all day but once home it all hits me. My future doesn't seem bright. It's so uncertain.

We are having dinner for Mother's Day tomorrow with my brothers/their wives, parents, and nieces and nephews. My kids are excited. But what to do before? I'm used to WH planning the day and it was all about me. I find myself right now trying to find a brunch tomorrow and getting past seeing whole families with husbands spoiling their wives at lunch. I would love to sit home but I want to go out and honor myself, enjoy the kids and celebrate me being a single mom. New traditions.

Thanks for listening.

emptiness2014 posted 5/10/2014 18:41 PM

Nights or times I am home alone are the hardest. We are in house separated, but pretty much go to our own rooms once the kids are in bed. Sometimes I look forward to the me time, because he feels like a stranger to me. But I also get hit with the emotions throughout the days and nights and think my future doesn't look like much to get excited about.

For tomorrow - what about a movie with the kids? It will ne dark, so you won't notice families, and the movie will distract you. Get treats and just enjoy the movie and your kids.

justinpaintoday posted 5/10/2014 19:08 PM

Movie is a good idea.

I thinkthe lonliness is natural at this stage of healing. I am challenging myself to not become a hermit when WW moves out.

I have started making new friends. Added FB friends from the past (healthy ones) and joined several groups on Meetup .com (excited for this one).

Still I do get nervous for the idle time...yikes.

SBB posted 5/10/2014 19:13 PM

My first Mother's Day was only a month or so after DD. I cried the whole day - not because he usually did nice things for me (he didn't) but because of the other things you describe. I remember seething every time I sat next to a happy intact family. Seething at their happiness so much that I would need to move away.

I still wince at some of the lovely FB updates my friends post. But it is just a little sting. Not a burn like it used to be. I never did have that true happiness even though I told myself I did. That's the bit that stings.

It will take time to get used to your new normal and to make new traditions. It's Mothers Day here now and my girls and I just made heart shaped crepes and ate them together with messily in my bed. Laughing so hard our faces hurt. I'm blessed with so much love from these two beautiful little girls it makes me ache. I ache for all the time I was numb or distracted trying to make my M work.

Please be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much. This is all so new - I was a hot mess for almost a year after DD.

Soon his absence won't feel like a big gaping hole - it will feel as if a big cumbersome weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

But that time is not today or tomorrow - you have to get through this stage first. There are no shortcuts unfortunately. I will say the firsts are the hardest. My first was the year before last and last year I had a joyous Mother's Day - more joyful than any before it. You will too.

((HBV)) you're not alone - we've all walked this path. You will get through this. I promise.

HeBrokeVows posted 5/10/2014 19:44 PM

Thanks for the support everyone. I didn't cook tonight. Last minute I got the kids together and went out to dinner. I just couldn't be at home. I will check back here after their bedtime. It helps so much.

renee21 posted 5/10/2014 21:16 PM

I'm pretty much in the same place. I do okay when I'm busy but the quiet lonely times have been hitting me really hard lately.

I got invited to the beach tomorrow and I will probably go just to get out of the house. My oldest is working tomorrow and my youngest is spending time with stbxh, I should have said no but he bailed for the last two Sundays and my little one has been wanting to see him.

Not exactly the mothers day I wanted. Next year stbxh is going to be told don't bother asking I wontcgive up my day again.

I can relate though, the loneliness has been kicking my butt lately too.

Smashedat58 posted 5/10/2014 21:16 PM

I agree with all of the above,except that you will be better sooner than you think. All it takes is a little attention from someone else to get you to realize that you are someone special, and what is special about you. I got my first flirt from a 70 year old. I'm no spring chicken at 58, but I can do better. Still the old so and so checking me out and winking, made me feel better. He wasn't winking at everybody. I was special to him. I did not reciprocate, I probably would have had to resuscitate, too. Anyway, what I am saying, is that a little attention levels the playing field for those of us that are betrayed. Our self-esteem hits zero, we feel the stab in the back. Some validation from another human can help get us back to where we belong. You will get there, but you have to get up out of bed and into public to find that type of validation. Go for it whether it is meet-ups, or OLD, but get yourself out there. Don't use the children as an excuse to not interact with other adults or one day you might just resent your precious offspring, and you will all regret that.

Bluebird26 posted 5/10/2014 21:23 PM

I get it. I hate Mother's Day. Kind of takes the happiness out of the day when you have to do the celebration yourself.

Yet again my kids have done nothing this year. It hurts.

HeBrokeVows posted 5/10/2014 21:40 PM

Kids are asleep and I sit here crying. Longing for this empty feeling to subside. I do plan nights out with friends. I am heading to a play Friday night with a friend and am excited about that. I also have a few events coming up at night for a couple organizations I'm involved in. So I do have a little bit of a social life and activities (book club too). But I have to force myself to go and often I come back early.

I used to find being at home comforting. It was safe. My husband brought me safety and security and that's been ripped away. I need to find the safety and security in myself for me and my kids since he walked out on us. I struggle with this daily. I didn't sign up for single motherhood. We went through three years of infertility treatments which brought us closer together. We had an amazing partnership parenting until the fall and the OW took it away from us. But I was in denial until dday in march then boom. Gone in an instant.

SBB posted 5/10/2014 22:14 PM

I know it feels like it happened overnight but in time you will look back and realise that you either only had half a husband or he was acting. Either way he want anywhere near the guy you deserve.

We lose them long before OW comes into the picture. They get on that slippery slide long before they are 'seduced' to slide all the way down it.

I used to think DDOW took my husband. But that was just me soothing myself that he had no part in it. He did. He had the only part relevant to me.

Even if she was the greatest woman to walk on the earth (she wasn't) if he was a good man he would not have been tempted to even consider it, let alone jump.

A good man can't be stolen.

She didn't take the man I thought I married, she took the scumbag I did marry.

HeBrokeVows posted 5/10/2014 22:36 PM

"A good man can't be stolen". I need to keep repeating those words.

myowndystopia posted 5/10/2014 22:49 PM

My STBXWH never made the day special so eventually I just took over and planned my own day. This has been more since the kids were older and started driving. So I plan a brunch or cook out, assign everyone to help and just enjoy the time. This year we are doing a cook out. Kids, their spouse or s.o. and grands will be here. It has really become all about the quality time together. I'm lucky that they all live nearby but this may not always be the case.

Celebrate yourself! It's ok. And find what will be your new tradition- making ice cream sundaes, going out for breakfast or lunch, going to movie or park but mostly enjoy!

nekorb posted 5/10/2014 23:46 PM

The kids and I are starting new traditions for Mother's Day this year.

We are making fresh muffins, they are making a Starbucks run, we are watching a movie at home, and making one if my favorite easy dinners that is completely unhealthy but YUMMY!

WH agreed to leave the house tomorrow. I assume he is spending it with my MIL. I made arrangements with her for the kids and I to see her another time to give her a gift.

HeBrokeVows posted 5/11/2014 00:42 AM

Enjoy the new traditions everyone! Hopefully I will create my own as well.

Sadmumma posted 5/11/2014 02:31 AM

"A good man can't be stolen" indeed.

Heading towards Mother's Day dinner and I must say I've been amazed at the outpouring of love and support from everyone around me.
The moron pulled his usual "no show" antics Saturday followed up with a barrage of angry texts over me not " letting" him see his kids today. Pfft.

But my friends, they're gorgeous. I've had the most amazing text messages and FB messages...and surprise visits. Even the morons idiocy hasn't spoilt the day

HeBrokeVows posted 5/11/2014 20:28 PM

I had a day with mixed emotions. My kids usually sleep until 7:30-8 at least and today woke at 5:45 screaming happy mothers day and jumping in bed. Cute I know and I tried to embrace it but all I could think about is how my husband used to let me sleep in every weekend and especially on Mother's Day. So after quick kisses and cuddles I asked them to let me sleep. Lol. They kind of did

We live in the burbs and headed downtown. It was great. I picked a restaurant that I went to before being married when I lived downtown. Kids and I did a few tourist things then headed back to the burbs for dinner and brothers with his family and my other brother his family and my parents. It was ok. I felt detached and like I could cry at any time. My nieces and nephews took over with my kids which was nice. There were others there besides just family so it was hard to let guard down which I usually could with my support system.

All in all it was a good day. I enjoyed escaping downtown with the kids and not being forced with all families. Just emotions were all over by the minute! Hope you all had a nice day.

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