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User Topic: for those at least a year out from D: how have you grown?
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Positive post here - as the title states, those who are a bit past the divorce stage, how have you grown? What have you learned? What's in your life that was never there before?

For me, I'm a much more positive person. I think I understand the value of being happy much more than I ever used to. I'm also way more intentional about how I treat people, and I think I value persons much more than I did before. I'm more independent and I like myself (never really did before) - maybe that plays into being happier.

I'm more confident, I trust myself. I still have high standards for those I care about, but those standards now try to take into account where people are at in their journey and what is important to them, not just to me. I'm a better listener.

I can handle my alcohol way better. I take more risks but I also build in more safe guards.

I know that this process wasn't easy, and at the time, the sense of loss and confusion and pain was more than I thought I could bear. But I am so glad that I was able to embrace that time as a time of opportunity and growth, because I've come out the other side in such a healthier and happier place.

What about you?

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14447 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how have you grown?

I'm trying not to (as I finish my dish of ice cream )

I went from having lived with my parents for 23 years to living with the X for 33 years back to living with my mom for a year to finally being on my own for the first time in my life. I've started traveling by myself whenever I want (and can afford) to.

I've moved 2500 miles by myself. I've started and lost and given up several jobs, had my heart broken again, and I'm still going

I am resilient--who knew?

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a much more openly positive person than I used to be. I used to be a lot more selective about allowing people to see the authentic me, for fear of being judged "not good enough" but now I don't care what other people think. It's not my problem if they don't like me or they find fault with me because I don't seem to live up to whatever standard they think I should.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

Posts: 13029 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've learned to find joy and silver linings. Things aren't so flat as I once thought. I challenge myself more to get out and enjoy life. I've started traveling since my D getting in several weekend trips a year. I've got friends all over the US and a few outside the US. And most importantly I can now dance.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've started to use my voice and not be afraid. I applied, interviewed and got a new job and promotion that was out of my comfort zone. So, I am learning new skills in my field.

I went to two g2g with SI. That was so far out of my comfort zone. I am now planning a trip to a new continent by myself!

I am much wiser and confident completely due to the affair and divorce.

I am happy and the affair and divorce no longer define me. It is now something that happened to me once. I am 6 years divorced.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:30 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4615 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please keep it coming! Thank you for posting a thought provoking question, Amazonia!

I am this close --> <-- to my D and feel I have grown and endured so much so far. Reading about growing/evolving even more AFTER D is just mind blowing. How much more can a person grow? I guess I will find out soon.

Thank you to those who have shared and I hope to hear more from others!

Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 41060
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm less naive, more confident and view myself in better context. I trust myself more and I'm not afraid anymore. I'm genuinely a happier person. I'm a better mother and a better friend and if I'm ever in another relationship, I'll be a better partner.

For awhile I had been struggling with the concept of allowing more contact with the exh. He had been asking to have dinner with me and my daughter. I kept procrastinating and would tell him "we'll see", until one day I decided that I didn't want anyone in my life who is not good to me or for me and told him so. He cheated on me twice about eight years apart. My biggest growth has come in knowing my value, and realizing that I'm not a bad person because I might have differing opinions than others or because I can be feisty sometimes. Sometimes I'm not easy, but I know now that I"m worth the time and effort it takes to make a relationship.

I've never been a career person and my daughter will be graduating high school soon. My biggest challenge is trying to find where I fit in, where I belong. I have friends and hobbies,but I always have been a relationship person. Being alone has been challenging, but worth all the personal growth.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 23556
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you could say my confidence and self worth has grown. After all I have gotten two, almost three kids through the teenage years, maintained cars and a house and am six credits short of earning my doctorate.
And the risks I take now! I find myself asking who I am doing these things! :)
I have also had my heart hurt and become disillusioned by new relationships but that goes with being able to love and trust again... More risks! All good in moving forward is my thought.

WH-who cares?
married 22 years
Dday 10/08

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be very passive. I would just roll with whatever anyone wanted. I did this because I thought since I didn't really care either way what happened that I could be more helpful and valued to people by being 'supportive.'

Going through the divorce process, I discovered drive. I am so driven now. I know what I want and now I go for it. I also used to be very closed off from others, I would be the person they needed and wanted me to be instead of my authentic self. I am now my authentic self to every unfortunate soul that crosses my path.

I did not like myself before. I was often hopeless and often wished I would disappear. Now I like who I am. I get out and enjoy the moment.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so much happier. I'm a better friend than I was before.

I have a lot more self confidence in my job and life. Maybe not in the dating world, but I'm a work in progress.

I don't worry as much about things that I can't control.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9168 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much more can a person grow?

As much as we freakin' want to. Life shouldn't be stagnant. Life is about discovery, and who better to discover than yourself, kwim?

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

Posts: 13029 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
♂ 43315
Member # 43315
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reclaiming my self-confidence and esteem. Not where it was, but making gains. I better recognize when I start slipping into negative self-talk and re-focus with positive self-affirmations.

Kind of in limbo as far as NB, but that is mostly due to work/location. Pretty much sequestered in our own little area, so no getting out and doing things. Limited activities, but there is a gym and I am getting in pretty damn good shape.

In that, I am making a list of things I want to do and new activities I want to try out once I return to US permanently. Top of my list is a 2-3 month motorcycle tour around the US looking for off the wall and out of the way attractions.

Started back in school to finish my degree which I put on hold so another could pursue her education and career.

Got a new job last week. Still overseas, but more inline with my background, better pay, and more opportunities for me back in US than my current one.

Me: BH 50
Her: WW 40
Married: 17 yrs
DDay(s): Too many

Divorced: Mar. 2013

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post!

I changed MAJORLY changed careers from a job that I was no longer satisfied with, to a job that I really like. I would have never had done it if I were still married to him.

Through therapy I have learned what a healthy relationship should look like and I can look back now and see how dysfunctional my marriage was.

I am on my own for the first time ever. At first it was hell on earth. Now, I'm kind of enjoying it somewhat.

I have conquered the lawn mower, household handyman jobs, gardening, painting...all by myself. Sounds silly but I never did any of those things before.

I am raising kids almost entirely alone and, I think, I am excelling at it. I NEVER thought I could ever do something like that alone.

I make an extra effort to be kind to people and be more forgiving. I know first hand that underneath the exterior there could be hidden pain.

It was an incredibly painful way to grow but I have grown for sure, and for that I am grateful.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 8&11
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm over two years out from the divorce being final. I am far happier now. I'm focused on me. I care about the important things. I foster friendships. I give to others but not more than I am willing to give. I accept invitations to go out. I spend time with people of quality. I spend time alone. I take care of myself - physically and emotionally.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15607 | Registered: Jun 2006
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can change the strings in the weed whacker myself.

I am more compassionate and understanding about others going thru a divorce.

The main one is having a second chance at love. I've participated in a lovely courtship that was, has been relaxed and pleasurable. This allowed a feminine side of me to emerge that feels beautiful without the hard work of the project managing side of 'strong female' which I already had in place. In spades. I now really appreciate and respect the true gentleman that lives in many men. I got over my old bad habits of overgiving then feeling resentful. I finally have experienced being on the receiving end of the considerate, thoughtful caring of a gentleman without blocking it.

I've always put growth and personal development at the top of my list of values, so all the the tracking skills, the bird language skills, the art and creativity skills that have blossomed, these all would have grown anyway, even without the divorce. But I'm glad the divorce didn't stop me.

BS, 56 years
D-day 6-2-08
D after 20 years
The journey from Armageddon to Amazing Life happens one step at a time. Don't ever give up!

Posts: 6650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now know that there are two sides to every story. I will never assume again that I know both sides if I don't even talk to both parties involved in anything.

I have learned that I was doing most of everything here at home by myself anyway, he was just taking up space and sucking up the good vibes in the house.

I have grown by NOT letting the children go live with their Dad, as they would not be the people they are now if I had given in at the beginning.

I don't have the job yet that I want, but I am trying to bloom where I am planted...

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4127 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have come into the person I was starting to be when I was 20 and met WXH.

I am no longer a shadow of myself.

I am happier than any other time in my life.

I have more friends, more interests, a better job, more love.

I tell people how much they mean to me. My friends know, through words as well as actions, that I love them.

I could write a book about my growth. WXH cheating was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Although it certainly didn't feel that way at the time. I would have lived an unfulfilled life, just existing, and never realizing that I was walking on eggshells and being abused.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 35697
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this.

In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. – Buddhist saying

Posts: 216 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only 5m out from D (pesky mandatory 12m S before D!) but I've grown in so many ways it is unbelievable.

I've rediscovered myself.
I cook now - who knew I'd enjoy it!!
I drive now - loving it!
I'm a better and more attentive and patient mum.
Same goes as a friend.
I've found my big belly laugh again.
I feel alive.
I can breathe deeply again.

Even on my worst day it's still better than my best day when I was being lied to, cheated on, disrespected and made to feel worthless. I spent so much time wondering where the fuck my husband had gone I forgot to ask myself where the fuck I had gone.

Basically I'm free. Blessed freedom. It came at a price but it was so worth it. Ironic that in all of this I am the one who ended up being set free.

The biggest part that made all of these possible is that I'm plugged into to life around me as opposed to being closed off from it. I contribute rather than just observe and serve. Once that tension and those eggshells departed along with the lump of useless space I used to call husband - I became wildly alive again.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 32519
Member # 32519
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My divorce was 8/11 so I'm almost three years out.

I can tell you that I am my own person now. Before I was always known as "exWH's wife". Ugh. I cringe thinking about it now.

I have remarried. I refuse to be referred to as "H's wife" now. I have a name thankyouverymuch. I refuse to fall into a dependent lifestyle now. I make my own decisions. I have my own bank account. :)

I appreciate my son so much more I think. Our long days just the two of us after exWH abandoned us created a tight bond that otherwise I don't believe would have happened. It's the two of us against the world he says.

I weighed 93 lbs on my divorce date. I looked anorexic. My face always swollen from crying so much. I'm back to my normal now about 120 or so. Wearing all my nice clothes because they fit again. New husband claims I'm the prettiest thing on earth. The end.

Me: now 41
Him: up and left for OW
OW: old maid now 40 with biological clock ticking, desparate for a baby.
Divorced the cheater - 8/2011
Married the most AMAZING man - 10/2013

Posts: 838 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: NJ
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