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Adult son hates his WF

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Smashedat58 posted 5/10/2014 20:55 PM

I am having a great deal of difficulty with my adult son. He says that he hates his wayward father. Although his father has turned into a POS, I don't think my son should have to walk around with a heart full of anger. It is so distressing to see how far the fallout from the POS has gone. I will have to meet with attorneys this week and demand that money we have saved for son's marriage/future be disbursed now. My son is disgusted just to think about it but worried that POS father will spend it. I will be liberated, but my children will be scarred by their father, and I hate him for this.

littlefoggy posted 5/10/2014 21:26 PM

My dad is a wayward. My parents are in R.

I actually told my mom to D. I was very angry at my dad and still check up on him and don't entirely trust that he is doing what he says he is doing, you know?

But, with time, my relationship with my dad has healed.

ETA: My dad never turned full-POS and was immediately remorseful and did the R work. It would have been very different, otherwise.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:32 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

renee21 posted 5/10/2014 21:28 PM

That one is hard. My oldest is 18 and he hates his dad. He wants no part of him at all. He has the most emotional baggage out of the three kids. He remembers more than the other two. My kids have been through a lot, two very public destructive affairs and an OC. I'm just now getting him to agree to counseling.

The stbxh has made it a thousand times worse by moving in with the gutter pig, that was the nail in the coffin for my teenagers. My son tells me all the time he has little to no feelings left for his father, he doesn't see him as his father anymore. My daughter is getting to that point too. He knew choosing the gutter pig was the final straw for our older two and yet he sits right there. His attitude is the kids don't want anything to do with him, so he does nothing about it and basically acts as if our youngest is his only child. He didn't get the older two Christmas gifts or our daughter a birthday gift in Dec.

I feel your pain, I'm still fairly new to this crap hopefully someone who has navigated through this hell will have some advice.

justinpaintoday posted 5/10/2014 21:31 PM

I am sorry...the damage from their selfishness just tricles down the line.

dmari posted 5/10/2014 22:56 PM

One of the saddest parts of infidelity and divorce is the impact on the children. My children have never said they "hate" their father but basically it's as if stbx doesn't exist. They are both working on themselves in therapy and so far, this does not include bringing in stbx to help with this process.

I'm so sorry your son is walking around with so much anger. I hope he is in IC or is open to it. IC doesn't necessarily mean that he and stbx will be best buds but it will help your son to handle the anger. Our sons will be future husbands and future fathers and the more work my son does in therapy now (and he's only 15), then I feel more confident that he will NOT choose the same path as his father.

myowndystopia posted 5/10/2014 23:25 PM

It just shows that no matter what the age of the kids it still impacts them. My oldest, DD25, has the most difficulty with it and STBXWH will need to spend a lot of time to try to repair that relationship.

5454real posted 5/10/2014 23:35 PM

Why would you feel that your son is any less due his anger than you are? Especially if he has details.

Actions have consequences. POS is merely getting his due(IMO). Don't shelter POS.

I am so sorry DS has to deal with this. You too!


SBB posted 5/11/2014 01:33 AM

^^ what he said. Your sons feelings are as valid as your own. None of us want this for our kids but it impacts them too, y'know. Their world and their views on life are forever marred by this stuff.

As much as we don't expect our spouses to betray us I think many of us expect it less for our parents and role models to betray each other.

His anger is justified. If he is struggling to cope with it and it is adversely impacting his life universally then you should encourage him to seek help with it. Not to mend his relationship with his father but because that level of toxicity is just not healthy for anyone. BS or our children.

Your children can be liberated by this too. Having their mum happy and healing will go a long way to helping them heal too.

Smashedat58 posted 5/11/2014 06:28 AM

Thanks for your insight. My son is 26, and I can't force him to do anything, but I did get him to see a counselor once. He felt no connection, he said. I am not giving up, though. My son is exhibiting some self-destructive behavior, drinking too much alone at night after I go to sleep. I think he is justified in his anger, I just wish he didn't have to feel the pain that feeds it.

nomistakeaboutit posted 5/11/2014 06:40 AM

I agree with what SBB said:

Your children can be liberated by this too. Having their mum happy and healing will go a long way to helping them heal too.

I would guess that a BIG part of your son's anger is due to what his father did to YOU....not him. I'm not sure there is too much you can do, but the healthier and more healed that you are, the better for your son.

It's strange. We teach our children to respect their parents. Then, bam, one parent disrespects the other in the worst possible way. The word hypocrite comes to kind.

sparkysable posted 5/11/2014 07:24 AM

It's strange. We teach our children to respect their parents. Then, bam, one parent disrespects the other in the worst possible way. The word hypocrite comes to kind.
I agree. You know how shocking it is for us to understand how someone who loved us so much could do this to us? And how we feel like our whole lives were a lie? It's the same for the kids. All this time, the kids believe that their father is the person he pretended to be, and then when the true self comes out and the academy award winning act is over, I am sure the kids feel just like we do. How could a parent, who is supposed to love them and protect them, drop an atomic bomb on their lives and blow their whole world to pieces?

jjct posted 5/11/2014 07:36 AM

What you can do is
- validate his anger
- allow him to go through it, point out that you'll never tell him to 'get over it'.
- model healing for him, be in this together, go through it hand-in-hand. Lead. It shows you'll 'always be there for him'
- show him how you healed/are healing because in time, release comes not when you're hating him, but when you're indifferent. 'No free rent space in your head', etc.
- it's "ok", natural, for hate to eventually turn from him - to what he did. 2 sep things.

Wishing you peace today (((Smashedat58)))

PurpleRose posted 5/11/2014 08:59 AM

I would guess that a BIG part of your son's anger is due to what his father did to YOU....not him.

I would agree with this-- in the beginning, those early months. But many of us have children (both adult and minor) who have been royally fucked by the wayward parent.

In my case, I have an adult daughter and a teen daughter who do not see or even speak to their father anymore. My oldest tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when this all blew up in 2011. She allowed him to take her to dinner to "explain himself". He took that opportunity to tell our then 19 year old what a wonderful sweetheart his whore was, that she was an angel. My wise child called him on it and told her father this woman was a whore.

He challenged her by telling her she didn't even know what that word meant... At 19, she certainly did. She told him a whore is a woman who sleeps with a man who is NOT her husband, and to make it worse- someone else's husband!

My girl is a smart one.
He, apparently, did not appreciate her wisdom. That dinner was the last time she spoke to the doosh.

As for my teen, it took her a little longer to develop a hatred for her father. She was uncomfortable with much of what he was doing, but still wanted to be a part of his life. Until the assault. Once that happened, she too was done.

Sadly for my girls, the doosh has made half-hearted and very selfish attempts to reconnect with the girls to which they both have no response. I do not see a time-ever- where my oldest will accept him back. I fear that the teen is the same way but I'm still hopeful that he will perform some sort of magic with her.

He would have to give up his whore for that to happen, though, so I'm not holding my breath. For me, I am done trying to repair his complete asshattery. He fucked this all up, with NO help from me, so I am not responsible for fixing his shit. And the girls my have started their angry dismissal due to how he treated me, but it was absolutely solidified by his own actions.

Grace and Flowers posted 5/11/2014 10:58 AM

Add my son to this sad list. One of my sons will tolerate his him for dinner maybe once a month. My other son (both are 20) LOATHES his dad and will not speak to him. For many reasons. It's interesting, one of the main reasons, he's told me, is because of how his dad disrespected ME so much.

I tried for over a year to help facilitate communication between them. XWH has never talked to the boys about his affair, about leaving, about a lot of stuff. DS2 tried to talk to his dad a few weeks ago about the divorce (which was several years ago), and his dad's response was that he "didn't want to get into everything MOM (me) did wrong."

I finally realized that XWH was putting zero effort into rebuilding a relationship with his kids. So I never tried to get my son to talk to his dad again. I stay totally out of it, and just listen to DS when he needs to vent.

It is what it is.

Kajem posted 5/11/2014 12:26 PM

My dad left for ow when I was 22. I was angry at him, for a lot of reasons. I stopped speaking to him after we met for dinner where he tried to explain his reasons for leaving. To give him credit, he only said she's nice, he knew I would need time and he hoped I would accept ow eventually. Then went on to explain how unhappy he was without ever coming out and blaming my mother directly.

I'll give ow credit when I wasn't speaking to him after the dinner, she would ask him, " how would you feel if you were in kajems shoes? Your dad walked out on your mom?" - aunt told me this.

He never stopped reaching out......every birthday, Christmas I got a card. Every single one!

My XH has pulled the same shit my dad did-only shifted blame to me and acted like a frigging middle schooler. He actually told a family member - she's not talking to me - so I don't talk to her! WTF? Who's the adult? Ow/NW is in a lower muppet grade majoring in vindictiveness.

His kids not talking to them gives them a chance to become healthy adults. They can deal with the dynamic duo of dysfunction when they are grown and have the tools to handle it. Till then, they don't exist.

I'm ok with whatever keeps my kids healthy.


Smashedat58 posted 5/12/2014 08:36 AM

Thanks, everyone for your posts. Although, DS hasn't told me, I think he is disgusted by his father's treatment of me. That might be the real knife in the back. I am happier without WH, and even starting to date a little. Son is protective (text me if you are going to be late), but not judgemental about my social life. Maybe if he can accept this, he can get past the bobshell fallout.

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