We have been together 2 and half years. I have taken his son in and treated him like my own. I made life really easy for him. He made my life easy as well, so it's going to be hard going forward. I'm sick to my stomach.
I was going to wait until after Mother's Day because my daughter comes home tomorrow but I didn't have the stomach. I called him on it and he reacted like a caged animal. Like you would when you are caught. He was ranting and tried to take his son. I convinced him to leave him. Thank God. Kid has been through enough. I managed to pacify him and let him stay. Not sure what to do next.
Sex has never been an issue for me so it's not like he was deprived. It's been months now and he couldn't do it. Kept saying that he thought it was medical. I knew deep down that it wasn't but my life has been a roller coaster ride this year. I had spinal surgery, and it's not been easy. However, I always wanted sex. Guess when you have a gorgeous 10 why would you settle for a 7. It's a fantasy world and a sickness and it's destroyed our lives together.
Thoughts
Your man is broken. He needs IC due to his sexual dysfunction. I say this because if he cannot perfiorm with you and only with strngers then there is a deep rooted problem,
I hope you will check out the Healing Library and know you have a group a people that are now your friend and will support you through this.
My thoughts?
Run like the wind.
I don't know your backstory as this is your first post, but if you don't have kids with him and you aren't entangled with him financially/legally, then maybe you should reconsider this relationship.
I firmly believe when someone shows you who they ARE, believe them.
It's about him and what's broken within him. Believe that. It's the truth. Nothing you can do can fix him if he's not going to look within and do the work.
Read up in the healing library.. And there's a thread somewhere with others that have been in your situation.
Your not alone x
His son is 11, still staying with me thankfully. Made me a Mother's Day card that made me see the bigger picture this morning. I'm still reeling and you are all so right...." He " is broken. I can't fully go there yet the hurt is too much. I just want to get through this day. Try to figure out what to do next and how to tell my daughter and friends that he's gone. Everyone loved him.
I will check out the Healing Library. I hope you are all finding some peace as well. I have read your stories yet but I will over the next little while. For those who are Mom's Happy Mother's Day
Your WS sounds much like mine. I went ahead and married mine, knowing there was a huge problem. I made my decision and will have to live with it, but I wouldn't recommend that road to anyone.
I know the caged animal. I know the sexual dysfunction, the gaslighting and the many, many lies. If you find yourself in the position where there is a chance he might want to try to come back, it MUST be on YOUR terms. Pretty much all of his behaviour will be centering around his own shame and fear stemming from his brokenness - it is down to HIM to take steps, convincing steps, to fix that. It's a long, difficult journey.
Thinking of you and wishing you well. Look after yourself.
The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies "Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995
He has been like this from the beginning and has promised, begged and just finds more creative ways of lying. I don't think there is any changing. I don't think they want to. We used to have such a great sex life. Amazing actually. He moved in and it went downhill. I think it's because he never had the abundance of online stimulation.
Anyways, I feel broken now. Trying to find my way through this mess. What happened with your husband? I never fully trusted mine from the beginning. Wandering eyes, slyness. Yet the kindest, most gentle person you could ever meet. A wolf in sheep's clothing Did I mention that he gave me an STD. Found out last last summer and it was hard to deal with but he's always with me so we after talking to the doc he said it could have had it before we met. Deep down I knew. I just had too much going on to deal with the emotions at the time so I filed it away.
My WH also progressed to random sex with strangers and hookers. It's a progressive addiction which requires riskier and riskier behaviors. He also lost all interest in sex with me and blamed it on a medical condition.
I was married to a sex addict for 10 years and it was pure hell. I was gaslighted and emotionally abused to the point I thought I was losing my mind.
You need to get away from him now. It would take years and years of intensive therapy for him to even become remotely human again and that's IF he were willing to commit to it 100% and in most cases they aren't able to do it because there is usually underlying BPD or NPD which makes it nearly impossible for them to be honest or take any responsibility for their own actions.
You can't fix him and you can't help him.
He came back early this morning and cried and begged for forgiveness. Here's the thing....I actually feel sorry for him. He has lost everything through this addiction. I know there is no turning back but I miss him. He was actually the kindest person you could meet. He did everything for me. This year I had major cervical spine surgery and he has been my rock. Maybe it was too much for him. I told him to leave so many times because I hated that he had to take care of me. He just said he loved me too much and that he would always be there for me. God I just want to crawl in bed and cry.
So done with him. Now it's just moving on and trying not to be forever traumatized by this. I am a strong person. This past year has been a very difficult one going through major spinal surgery and I am scared about so many things. Having said that, I would rather be alone than with someone who lies so easily about every aspect of their life.
How could I have fallen into this trap. My God. The signs were all there at the beginning. That's the part I'm beating myself up about now. We put too much faith in people that they will do good by you. Some people are just innately broken, and I don't think they can be fixed. I'm so glad I found this group. It really has given me strength to make some difficult decisions and not second guess myself knowing others have gone through it. Thanks for your kindness in responding.
I have decided at this point to tell only my sister and a close friend the real details until I'm ready. I think people are so unaware that this happens in their own backyard that it would just become the town gossip. That's not good when you have you have kids so I have to be careful. I would love nothing more than to rock his world. He will no doubt to this again and maybe even escalate. I may take a trip to see his Dad and tell him though. I hate that he has put me in such a place of anger, and doubt for mankind. The thought that anyone is capable of this length of deception chips away at my soul
I'm trying to figure out away to raise my step son. I really feel he will slip through the cracks if he leaves this home. So sad. Baby steps. Just trying to get through each day at this point.
On the topic of "outing" your WS, I outed mine very publicly and immediately by posting it on facebook. He'd left the house, after I found out, we fought, and he hit me, and while I was waiting for the police I put it out there for all to see. I was in a pretty altered state, but my motive was to both punish him and hold him publicly accountable. I've had mixed feelings about what I did. On the one hand, I haven't been able to handle the outpouring of concern. I totally shut down. Cancelled my Facebook account the next day, haven't answered my phone for friends and family except the briefest texts to let them know I'm alive, haven't checked my voicemail since March 22 and it's been full since the next day so I can't get new messages. I just can't deal with everyone's opinions, righteous anger, concern, and judgement. And my kids know (the teenagers anyway). And all the peripheral people... Ugh.
On the other hand, he's got no where to run. He is forced to face it. There's no "secret" life for him now, his family and friends all know his business. I think this has profoundly affected him. I think it has really forced him to take a good look in the mirror in a way that my knowledge alone wouldn't have, and maybe it will actually help him pursue meaningful change. He started seeing a counselor immediately and he's not in denial about his problems.
Now, whether those good intentions can actually translate into real change, who knows.
Sorry to hijack. I think there are definite pros and cons to outing the asshat.
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. -Kurt Vonnegut
I'm trying to figure out a way to tell his family. They are his biggest enablers right now and they don't even know it. I'm waiting for a call from a family member and I'm going to tell her. He has lied to them why he's not living with me anymore. He has lied to them about everything. I won't protect him in that respect anymore. I feel safe telling her because they don't live in the same area as me so his son and my daughter won't be affected. It will only come back on him and maybe make him look even harder at himself. Up until this point he as never been accountable. I think this has been going on for over 10years from data I have been able to collect. That's a lot of false identity. Even now, he keeps asking who I've told. I think he know full well that I don't want people knowing this anymore than he does so he continues in his safe cocoon.
I'm having a lot of aha moments which are affecting me deeply. I'm seeing things I should have seen at the beginning. I mean things that were so obvious I guess if you are not dealing with a manipulator. God Help us All. Getting through this, reading people's stories, breaks my heart. I consider myself to be an above board person. Not perfect, just honest and loyal. The fact that I'm with or was with someone that can do this rocks me to my core. So confused today. Plan on doing lots of reading on here. Should I post in the I can relate section or just post a link.
