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whatgives posted 5/10/2014 23:15 PM

I found an email from my boyfriend soliciting sex from an escort. It was a high end massage parlour deal. He works nights a lot downtown so I guess it's easy to pull off that sort of thing. I'm not new to this. I new he had a problem with this in the past. That and online addiction at the beginning of our relationship. So I wasn't blindsided or anything just thought we dealt with that but I guess somethings you just can't deal with on your own.

We have been together 2 and half years. I have taken his son in and treated him like my own. I made life really easy for him. He made my life easy as well, so it's going to be hard going forward. I'm sick to my stomach.

I was going to wait until after Mother's Day because my daughter comes home tomorrow but I didn't have the stomach. I called him on it and he reacted like a caged animal. Like you would when you are caught. He was ranting and tried to take his son. I convinced him to leave him. Thank God. Kid has been through enough. I managed to pacify him and let him stay. Not sure what to do next.

Sex has never been an issue for me so it's not like he was deprived. It's been months now and he couldn't do it. Kept saying that he thought it was medical. I knew deep down that it wasn't but my life has been a roller coaster ride this year. I had spinal surgery, and it's not been easy. However, I always wanted sex. Guess when you have a gorgeous 10 why would you settle for a 7. It's a fantasy world and a sickness and it's destroyed our lives together.

Thoughts

justinpaintoday posted 5/11/2014 07:09 AM

Okay welcome but stop right now!!! You are a 10. From what I read you have been loving and compassionate with a man that doesn;t appreciate what he has. A man who found a woman willing to accept his flaws and love him anyway. A woman willing to satisfy him physically and emotionally is a 10. Sorry to vent on your first post but girl you are nothing short of special so please do not sell yourself short.

Your man is broken. He needs IC due to his sexual dysfunction. I say this because if he cannot perfiorm with you and only with strngers then there is a deep rooted problem,

I hope you will check out the Healing Library and know you have a group a people that are now your friend and will support you through this.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/11/2014 07:47 AM

Well WhatGives, I'm sorry you find yourself here in the best club no one wants to join.

My thoughts?

Run like the wind.

I don't know your backstory as this is your first post, but if you don't have kids with him and you aren't entangled with him financially/legally, then maybe you should reconsider this relationship.

I firmly believe when someone shows you who they ARE, believe them.

Sadmumma posted 5/11/2014 07:54 AM

From what I've seen, and what I've read, and what I know... It's not about the looks or the sex. Its not about YOU. Period.

It's about him and what's broken within him. Believe that. It's the truth. Nothing you can do can fix him if he's not going to look within and do the work.

Read up in the healing library.. And there's a thread somewhere with others that have been in your situation.

Your not alone x

whatgives posted 5/11/2014 09:37 AM

Thanks everyone for your kind words and logical outlook on this. You all said something that made me think. I needed the support this morning and I'm glad your messages were there. I was much stronger last night almost like a stone. But I woke up with tears flowing this morning.

His son is 11, still staying with me thankfully. Made me a Mother's Day card that made me see the bigger picture this morning. I'm still reeling and you are all so right...." He " is broken. I can't fully go there yet the hurt is too much. I just want to get through this day. Try to figure out what to do next and how to tell my daughter and friends that he's gone. Everyone loved him.

I will check out the Healing Library. I hope you are all finding some peace as well. I have read your stories yet but I will over the next little while. For those who are Mom's Happy Mother's Day

Sparkle0504 posted 5/11/2014 09:50 AM

Hey (((Whatgives)))

Your WS sounds much like mine. I went ahead and married mine, knowing there was a huge problem. I made my decision and will have to live with it, but I wouldn't recommend that road to anyone.

I know the caged animal. I know the sexual dysfunction, the gaslighting and the many, many lies. If you find yourself in the position where there is a chance he might want to try to come back, it MUST be on YOUR terms. Pretty much all of his behaviour will be centering around his own shame and fear stemming from his brokenness - it is down to HIM to take steps, convincing steps, to fix that. It's a long, difficult journey.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. Look after yourself.

whatgives posted 5/11/2014 12:15 PM

Hi Sparkle - Sorry to hear you have to go through this crap. I like to talk more about it with you. It's not my first rodeo with this and I somehow feel like an idiot for having faith in him. It is an addiction and it's the lies that go with it. Even little things. I let him bring that into my life. I let him bring a son in to our lives that was abandoned by his mother. I have a lot to think about. I can't go through this with him.

He has been like this from the beginning and has promised, begged and just finds more creative ways of lying. I don't think there is any changing. I don't think they want to. We used to have such a great sex life. Amazing actually. He moved in and it went downhill. I think it's because he never had the abundance of online stimulation.

Anyways, I feel broken now. Trying to find my way through this mess. What happened with your husband? I never fully trusted mine from the beginning. Wandering eyes, slyness. Yet the kindest, most gentle person you could ever meet. A wolf in sheep's clothing Did I mention that he gave me an STD. Found out last last summer and it was hard to deal with but he's always with me so we after talking to the doc he said it could have had it before we met. Deep down I knew. I just had too much going on to deal with the emotions at the time so I filed it away.

SeeingRed posted 5/11/2014 12:38 PM

Whatgives, I am so sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation. SA (sex addiction) has absolutely NOTHING to do with you or your looks. It wouldn't matter if he were married to a model he would still act out.

My WH also progressed to random sex with strangers and hookers. It's a progressive addiction which requires riskier and riskier behaviors. He also lost all interest in sex with me and blamed it on a medical condition.

I was married to a sex addict for 10 years and it was pure hell. I was gaslighted and emotionally abused to the point I thought I was losing my mind.

You need to get away from him now. It would take years and years of intensive therapy for him to even become remotely human again and that's IF he were willing to commit to it 100% and in most cases they aren't able to do it because there is usually underlying BPD or NPD which makes it nearly impossible for them to be honest or take any responsibility for their own actions.

You can't fix him and you can't help him.

LostMyPrince posted 5/11/2014 20:02 PM

My heart goes out to you....i have been married to a SA with NPD for the past 17 years......it is nothing short of hell. They are completely void of any human emotion ....hollow,empty beings who will suck the life out of you..rip your heart out and stand there and blame you for bringing it on yourself. They use women, as my husband so clearly stated, as " pieces of ass" and think nothing of it because they are "entitled". I am currently in therapy for codependency, while my husband is working out of state for the next several months....i am trying to get financially and emotionally stable and finally break free of this horrible web i have been trapped in. Run...run...run...from this man while you still can....please!!!

whatgives posted 5/11/2014 22:52 PM

Thanks Ladies for your feedback. This day has been so difficult. Mother's Day from hell. I took his son and my daughter to dinner and choked back tears trying to make them laugh and be silly. I am so worn out already and he's only gone a day!

He came back early this morning and cried and begged for forgiveness. Here's the thing....I actually feel sorry for him. He has lost everything through this addiction. I know there is no turning back but I miss him. He was actually the kindest person you could meet. He did everything for me. This year I had major cervical spine surgery and he has been my rock. Maybe it was too much for him. I told him to leave so many times because I hated that he had to take care of me. He just said he loved me too much and that he would always be there for me. God I just want to crawl in bed and cry.

LostMyPrince posted 5/14/2014 07:14 AM

I know it is difficult..but please do not feel sorry for him. This is just another way they pull you in....and if they get one hook in you they will reel you back in. My husband was the sweetest and kindest person you could ever imagine....I called him "prince" all the time....it took several years for me to see the "real" him....and a few more to realize this was the person he was all the time, just a very good actor who had learned to do and say all the right things to get what he wanted, but never any real feeling behind it. They are constantly searching for that one thing that is going to fill the void inside of themselves and they will never find it..and along the way they just hurt more and more people...and don't even care. Any tears they shed are for themselves..not for you or what they've done to you...it's all about them..all the time..don't be fooled. Hugs to you...

whatgives posted 5/14/2014 09:46 AM

Hi LostMyPrince - I know longer feel sorry for him. Those feelings changed them moment I saw more lies. I found another email account that he swore he never had. That sealed what sympathy I had for him. He says he's going to a SA meeting next week. I don't even care. It's all words and I'm not signing up to be his babysitter. You are so right. They will do anything to preserve the lifestyle. If he was so committed to getting help he wouldn't be trying so hard to lie.

So done with him. Now it's just moving on and trying not to be forever traumatized by this. I am a strong person. This past year has been a very difficult one going through major spinal surgery and I am scared about so many things. Having said that, I would rather be alone than with someone who lies so easily about every aspect of their life.

How could I have fallen into this trap. My God. The signs were all there at the beginning. That's the part I'm beating myself up about now. We put too much faith in people that they will do good by you. Some people are just innately broken, and I don't think they can be fixed. I'm so glad I found this group. It really has given me strength to make some difficult decisions and not second guess myself knowing others have gone through it. Thanks for your kindness in responding.

LostMyPrince posted 5/15/2014 20:15 PM

Don't beat yourself up over it..they are master manipulators ! My father was a wonderful judge of character and 9 times out of 10 if he told me a guy I was seeing was "no good" or "trouble" he was right !! But my husband had him fooled....he fell for his act hook, line and sinker. I am just glad my father passed away before all of this shit hit the fan....even though I know he is fully aware of it wherever he is..and I have already told my WH he is in for a royal ass kicking by my father and brother ( who also thought the world of my husband and died before the truth came out )when he dies. As a matter of fact, a week after my brother passed away, scum bag husband was screwing a prostitute..while I was sitting home grieving for my brother...how's that for a "prince" lol

whatgives posted 5/15/2014 21:33 PM

See - that tells you how broken they are to do something like that when you are grieving. No moral compass. It blows my mind. I know it's not a reflection on me but I'm so angry that things are so messed up. I now feel like I'm living lie because I'm hiding it from everyone. Not sure how to handle that yet. Should I just come clean and let everyone see what he's really like. My family adores him as well. He had us all fooled I guess. I'm struggling Girl. Wish there were a magic wand to get through these darkest hours. He's become very distant now. He can't handle any anger from me so I guess he's doing his thing which turns my stomach. I get a lot of understanding reading in here. We are not alone which is sad but at least we can all relate to some degree

Gotmegood posted 5/16/2014 00:10 AM

Hold on a minute.....HE can't handle any anger from you? Poor him? Screw him and his feelings!!! 180. 180. Right now. 180. Don't look for him. Don't think about him. Take care of you right now. As far as telling your friends and family...do what makes you feel better. Do not consider him in any manner. For that matter, you can make that decision later when you really know what is best for you. Just don't make the decision to 'protect' him and his bullshit reputation. And know from the very core of your being that this was his problem, and sadly it has infected you, but it was all on him. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's the worst.

whatgives posted 5/16/2014 08:01 AM

Hi GotMeGood - I was doing the 180 and had to talk to him about his son whom is still living with me so that's where I lost my cookies on him and started asking questions. Other than that I have been ignoring his texts, and calls. Ya, he is a special kind of stupid. I can't even imagine a place in my life for him anymore so that's a good thing I guess. I'm still tormented though by all that has happened and how long it's probably been going on or if it even stopped. The wheels keep turning there.

I have decided at this point to tell only my sister and a close friend the real details until I'm ready. I think people are so unaware that this happens in their own backyard that it would just become the town gossip. That's not good when you have you have kids so I have to be careful. I would love nothing more than to rock his world. He will no doubt to this again and maybe even escalate. I may take a trip to see his Dad and tell him though. I hate that he has put me in such a place of anger, and doubt for mankind. The thought that anyone is capable of this length of deception chips away at my soul

Gotmegood posted 5/16/2014 10:00 AM

I totally get what you are saying/feeling on all levels. While I do not believe in 'protecting' WH's rep, I totally understand keeping it as private as possible. After all, it is very salacious stuff, and perfect fodder for gossip. I live in a small town and did not want 'it' to be front page news either. For my sake and my children's' sakes. The flip side of keeping your private sorrows to yourself is the isolation you feel, which is why SI is my life raft. Make certain that your sister and your friend understand your need for discretion.
Keep your focus on you and your stepson. This takes a loooong time to get over. Sending strength....

whatgives posted 5/16/2014 12:01 PM

Yes I have to say SI is keeping me sane. The moments you mention about isolation are so profound. My sister and best friend are both social workers - so they are not new to this kind of stuff. They were both terribly saddened and shocked though because they adored him and they considered themselves to be great judges of character considering their line of work so this one really got them. They are masters of deception.

I'm trying to figure out away to raise my step son. I really feel he will slip through the cracks if he leaves this home. So sad. Baby steps. Just trying to get through each day at this point.

Rubyrain posted 5/17/2014 01:20 AM

Whatgives, I'm sorry you got more TT. I know how quickly that can kill any feelings of tenderness or pity. More lies.

On the topic of "outing" your WS, I outed mine very publicly and immediately by posting it on facebook. He'd left the house, after I found out, we fought, and he hit me, and while I was waiting for the police I put it out there for all to see. I was in a pretty altered state, but my motive was to both punish him and hold him publicly accountable. I've had mixed feelings about what I did. On the one hand, I haven't been able to handle the outpouring of concern. I totally shut down. Cancelled my Facebook account the next day, haven't answered my phone for friends and family except the briefest texts to let them know I'm alive, haven't checked my voicemail since March 22 and it's been full since the next day so I can't get new messages. I just can't deal with everyone's opinions, righteous anger, concern, and judgement. And my kids know (the teenagers anyway). And all the peripheral people... Ugh.

On the other hand, he's got no where to run. He is forced to face it. There's no "secret" life for him now, his family and friends all know his business. I think this has profoundly affected him. I think it has really forced him to take a good look in the mirror in a way that my knowledge alone wouldn't have, and maybe it will actually help him pursue meaningful change. He started seeing a counselor immediately and he's not in denial about his problems.

Now, whether those good intentions can actually translate into real change, who knows.

Sorry to hijack. I think there are definite pros and cons to outing the asshat.

whatgives posted 5/17/2014 12:00 PM

Hi Ruby - I totally hear you. I have decided to be cautious and not go too crazy on who I tell but be strategic and try to tell people where I know it will affect him but they won't be blabber mouths and gossip hounds. The last thing I want right now are opinions from people who have never experienced this or will make a joke as soon as I'm out of the room. People have no idea how bloody serious this is.

I'm trying to figure out a way to tell his family. They are his biggest enablers right now and they don't even know it. I'm waiting for a call from a family member and I'm going to tell her. He has lied to them why he's not living with me anymore. He has lied to them about everything. I won't protect him in that respect anymore. I feel safe telling her because they don't live in the same area as me so his son and my daughter won't be affected. It will only come back on him and maybe make him look even harder at himself. Up until this point he as never been accountable. I think this has been going on for over 10years from data I have been able to collect. That's a lot of false identity. Even now, he keeps asking who I've told. I think he know full well that I don't want people knowing this anymore than he does so he continues in his safe cocoon.

I'm having a lot of aha moments which are affecting me deeply. I'm seeing things I should have seen at the beginning. I mean things that were so obvious I guess if you are not dealing with a manipulator. God Help us All. Getting through this, reading people's stories, breaks my heart. I consider myself to be an above board person. Not perfect, just honest and loyal. The fact that I'm with or was with someone that can do this rocks me to my core. So confused today. Plan on doing lots of reading on here. Should I post in the I can relate section or just post a link.