Hello. I have a very large confession to make.
My initial posts about my husband’s abuse were all lies. I did cheat on him, but everything I said about him was a fabrication. He's never raised a hand to me, not once. The truth is that I lie, constantly, about everything, and after yet another lie, my husband, exhausted and beyond frustrated with my lack of honesty, left me. I made the posts as a sick form of revenge. As the thread continued, the drive to “get back at” my husband diminished, and I simply wandered away from the thread and from the boards in general.
In April, after several months of discussion, my husband made an offer of reconciliation on the condition that I get into therapy with someone specializing in pathological lying, to which I readily agreed. I was finally ready to face my destructive behavior head on. Then I freaked out and deleted all the posts of mine that I could find. (Obviously I still had a lot to learn about being honest and forthright.) He still doesn’t know about this account or the posts I made here.
I’ve known for a long time that I have a problem telling the truth, and clearly fixing it on my own wasn’t working. I’ve seen the term “white-knuckling it” on these boards in reference to addictions, and I think that’s what I was trying to do with my lying. As anyone dealing with addictive or compulsive behavior knows, that approach doesn’t work.
My therapist has helped me to see my constant lies for what they are – abusive, just as abusive as the violence I made up, if not more so. I knew lying was wrong, I knew it was mean, that it was bratty and shitty and all other words, but I never saw it as a form of mental abuse on my poor husband, who only ever wanted me to be honest with him. I took advantage of his love for me and his willingness to forgive and work through our issues. I took advantage of what little trust I had left. I couldn’t trust him to be as understanding as he constantly proved himself to be.
I don’t actually know the reason for my difficulties being honest, only that it’s been a lifelong trait, one that I’m truly, finally, ready to face and conquer.
My therapist has given me a homework assignment of confessing. Confess all I can to whoever I can, no matter how old or forgotten or miniscule the lie. I’ve come back here to do just that and to also set the record straight about the amazing man I married. He deserves that, at the very very least.
My husband has been nothing short of a saint in his dealing with me. First I cheated, which he was immediately willing to forgive, but then I lied. All he ever wanted, all he ever expected, was that I tell the truth about my infidelity and own up to what I had done, but I lied and lied and lied some more. I lied about completely unrelated issues for absolutely no reason that I can think of. And still he worked through each discovered lie with me, because of course they were discovered, I couldn’t just ‘fess up to them once cornered. I had to be confronted, the truth wrung from me, only adding to his desperation for peace. And each time he forgave me until I finally just lied one too many times. He left for his own sense of sanity, something I fiercely resented.
I’ve only been in therapy for a few short weeks, but I’ve already learned so much about what this type of behavior does to a person, how crazy it makes a person feel. I can’t believe I’ve done this to my husband over and over and over. Beyond that, I can’t believe he’s still so willing to work through it all with me. He’s truly the most patient, understanding, forgiving person I’ve ever known. I just can’t believe the person that I’ve been; I don’t want to be this person anymore.
I want to apologize to all the members here who reached out to help me in my thread. I took advantage of your kindness and compassion, and for that I’m sorry. I'll be telling my husband about this account because, as is commonly said regarding infidelity, he deserves to know everything he’s forgiving before he can decide to take that step. I’ve apologized to him face to face for all that I’ve put him through, but I have to put in writing here my intense grief and remorse for the lies I wrote about him on this site. There are no excuses for it, and I have no idea if he’ll forgive me for the horrible things I wrote. I can only, finally, be honest with him, knowing full well that doing so could end any chance at forgiveness or reconciliation. I can’t live my life fearing the truth anymore.
