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for those that climbed out of limbo

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Ostrich80 posted 5/11/2014 03:51 AM

What did it for you. For those that have hung on for months, years with a ws that never really tried but claimed they still wanted you. What snapped you out of limbo. Was it sudden, just woke up one day and decided you were done or was it a slow planned out exit. Did your ws get worse and that's what pushed you or did they appear to be on board but you knew it was an act? Our this month and its a significant number. We had a family event last week and I had 3 close family members say, looks like you guys are doing really good.Cant they see I'm a robot and he's an actor. Im numb from the inside out and no one can see it. Doing better? Wtf, I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. I think sometimes I've got dual personalities...the one on the outside and the one only.I know about. I've become a stepford wife and its scaring the hell out of me. What if.I don't get the balls up to leave, I'm afraid I will lose myself forever.

justinpaintoday posted 5/11/2014 07:28 AM

DDAY2. I went to bed, woke up and my M was completely dead. I could have tried to resuscitate the corpse but didn;t want to waste my breathe.

My advise to you? Take some time and establish healthy boundries for yourself. We always talk about healthy boundries for our WS or M but what about u?

For example: If you believe in your very core that faithfulness is the line that can;t be crossed else the M ends then this is a healthy boundry to your core value. I would suggest you not compromise yourself too the extent that you wipe out your self respect. Make sense? Hard to verbalize.

cayc posted 5/11/2014 07:38 AM

Try remembering the fact that you know he has expressed the desire to wait until your kid is out of high school before he D's you. Remember that? That's his reason for the charade.

I know you are scared. I was too. I dragged my feet every step of the way.

I won't even promise you rainbows at the end of the journey like some may. But my life is so much easier because I walk on solid ground now. I'm not constantly investigating, wondering, guessing ... my life is exactly what I see in front of me. I treasure that.


SBB posted 5/11/2014 08:26 AM

I had a moment of clarity where I realised not only was the specific situation an act but that his entire life is an act.

I can only describe it as him playing his part and me finally recognising that I too was acting and pretending to believe him. Deep down I had not believed him for a long time.

I don't know what brought it on. The emotional outburst that triggered my aha moment wasn't even the most dramatic one, it was just the one where my self talk wasn't telling my gut to shut the fuck up - it started saying "look how easily he lies - the fucker has been getting away with it for so long he thinks I'll actually believe this shit". I almost chuckled.

Then I was in shock - kind of like how your breathing feels strange and unnatural when you're conscious of it.

No-one can live like this long term. Even if you do have Stockholm Syndrome somewhere in your psyche is a war going on. If you deny your real feelings they end up manifesting in other ways. Mine burst out suddenly and I went numb. Like completely devoid of feeling. No joy or sadness and everything felt foggy. It was awful.

Ostrich80 posted 5/12/2014 00:27 AM

I know what I need to do, I just don't know.if.I've got what it takes to do it. I know myself and.I'm afraid I will settle for this shitty life because as stupid as it sounds, it seems easier. I just feel like I don't have the courage to do this. When I start telling myself its not that bad, I'm lying to myself, I know that but.I don't know why. Even today, a huge sign when he had me reply to a text my DD sent to him. I waited to long and the phone locked and need the numerical code. He literally took the phone, steered the car with his knee and typed the code in where I couldnt see it. The day got worse when my DD showed me a pic.of ow and her brats. She follows ow kid on inatageam. I'm looking at this pic and she's fucking homely and literally has no ass...I mean like a pancake. Geez he would use to never looked at something like that if she had walked by. I look at him and I'm screaming in my head but the words are frozen in my throat..nothing comes out. Something is wrong with me. This cannot be normal behavior. I should be furious . Oh then in the pic I notice her DD is wearing a shirt fora team that's in our area. We moved away from the town she lives in..about 40 min away.. that means that bitch is out here. Where this team practices is 15 min away from my house, which means its almost an hour away from hers. There are so many teams in her town, there would be not one logical reason for a single mom to drive her kid to practice 4 days a week thats so far away when she lives in a town that's population is thousands more than the little po dunk town we live in. Shitty day

Lonelygirl10 posted 5/12/2014 06:19 AM

For me, it was catching him in another lie after I set the boundary of no more lies. I had proof that he had recently deleted something off his computer, and he looked me in the eyes and lied very convincingly. It scared me. I was scared to build a future with someone who could lie so easily and well to me. I felt nauseous all night lying in bed with him, like I was with a stranger. I loved him, but that kicked me out of limbo. Hardest decision of my life I think.

LostSamurai posted 5/12/2014 08:23 AM

One of my threads, kinds of explains it, but basically, it is based off her reaction. She said the only thing she could say was sorry and she wish it never happen...right. It is like she doesn't see the pain she caused me.

When I realized she didn't care about me like she claimed she did then I decided to move on. When a spouse doesn't she that they care or demonstrate that take your pain seriously and care about you and try their hardest no matter what, then it's time to get out of purgatory.

Raven96 posted 5/12/2014 23:20 PM

Ostrich, I am sending you hugs and a PM.

mchercheur posted 5/13/2014 06:22 AM


You are worth so much more than this.

He literally took the phone, steered the car with his knee and typed the code in where I couldnt see it.

Don't waste another minute of your precious life with an a**hole like this.

Sending you strength

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:22 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

DepressedDaddy posted 5/13/2014 08:52 AM

Limbo Sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I hated most of everything I think. I mean the A was horrible, but the daily thought in my head of ambiguity was excruciating. I kept telling her that if she was choosing me, she would be all in with no regrets. She couldn't do that. Then she relapsed and they kissed. I said it was over. She said she understood and felt she was better with the MOM, so that cleared up the ambiguity. I can honestly say from that day on, I have felt as if a 1,000 lbs have been lifted off my shoulders. It feels so relieving. Don't get me wrong, it has been a roller coaster of emotions, but at least I don't have to deal with the "what ifs" of our relationship any longer.

bent44 posted 5/13/2014 09:07 AM

I am so sorry for your struggle!

For me, it was a little post it note I had written to myself in my medicine cabinet: " Until he becomes a man I would want my daughter to marry, why would I want him?"

I finally realized he would never be that man. I would never want her to go through the pain I had.
It was my love for her that taught me to love myself enough to leave for good.

I can tell you it took a long time, letting go of the hope for something better, letting go of the dream of a family was excruciating. But the thought of my sweet child going through what I had been through finally capped it for me.

My thoughts are with you. Please know you have more strength than you know, that life can be better.

A wise man once said to me: Do not run AWAY from a bad situation. Instead rum TOWARDS a better one. Can you envision a better situation? Run towards it.

realitybites posted 5/13/2014 09:14 AM

or did they appear to be on board but you knew it was an act?

Lately many days I feel the above is true.

I had a moment of clarity where I realised not only was the specific situation an act but that his entire life is an act.
I can only describe it as him playing his part and me finally recognising that I too was acting and pretending to believe him. Deep down I had not believed him for a long time.

I think this is true as well.

The emotional outburst that triggered my aha moment wasn't even the most dramatic one, it was just the one where my self talk wasn't telling my gut to shut the fuck up - it started saying "look how easily he lies - the fucker has been getting away with it for so long he thinks I'll actually believe this shit".

I have felt like this many times.

For me only, I don't know if mine is cheating again or not. But he very well could be because he likes to live his life like he is a CIA agent or something. He likes to tell little lies, self lies, lies of ommission. When one lives their life like this it is just a slippery slope to move onto something else. Also when one lives their life like this they start to believe their own lies, and start to look at you the BS like you are the one who is causing all the problems. Yet it is insidious how it happens because they can be very good and beening very nice when they want to, its almost like they can feel you pulling away and they start in on the "love bombing" and it draws you back in again.

BTW, I am going back to IC this week to help me with everything you all are talking about. I need some clarity right now and a logical voice. So thank you for posting this so close to when I am truly feeling it.

But for you, the cell phone thing?? That is weird and over the top. Don't be afraid to possibly find someone to talk to who will help you thru this transition.

Junebug0525 posted 5/13/2014 09:15 AM

It was a definitive moment.

I'd found out OW's email address and sent her an email about XH's actions. I knew he was cake-eating. I told her everything from my end. Told her he said he still wanted me, that she meant nothing, etc. Gave her my number to call. She did. We compared notes. He then called - from her bedroom. Called me crazy. Told me I was stalking her, the marriage was over, etc. This was all the day after he told me he wasn't giving up on us. I realized then how broken he was, so that was it. At that moment I knew I was done.

cancuncrushed posted 5/13/2014 10:53 AM

I always felt our stories were similar.. I have been in limbo for along time..I made the conscience decision to stay, because I had no proof, just clues and lies..After now, 30 yrs, I decided to stay, while I still investigated and watched, until I could get my kids graduated..I didn't want to rob them of happiness based on fear, and his bad behavior. That's where I thought we would remain...Not so..As you know, it does get worse. The disrespect, the disconnect causes more disrespect and selfish decisions..You start being mean to each other. We have moved out of that phase also. Now we have also moved out of scary illness for us both..My point is, I believed we would stay on that first level until.....There are many stages. They can be stages of good or stages of bad...I cant believe some of the things H did, after the A or EA..He did get worse..It took him along time to start to get it...ANd he rebelled against it the whole time...Mostly he was uneducated about infidelity and the outcome..ANd now he has learned a lot, learned about therapy, counselors, and personal destruction...He had to hit bottom..He stopped drinking. I wonder where we will be now in the marriage.. We are only out of the illness a couple days...I would love a miracle turn around for him I worry because his first instinct is to stop everything hes doing and get back to normal.....I don't want his normal back.You and I both have one year left of school for kids? I am in no hurry to decide. I would never date or see anyone again...Just 180 to extreme, and get thru 365 days...I know of that part where you wonder how they could continue to do more...The bar can continue to lower.I struggled not only with possible A or EA, but that H could keep adding more pain on top of that..Like I was some stranger. Like H couldn't even remember loving me once...My therapist said alcohol makes people narrssssisitic.. I never knew that..The only reason H learned of therapy and meds and self destruction, was because of his breakdown..He would never have gone for the marriage or A or EA.. It happened to all meld together..I am really wondering where we are now...

No12turn2 posted 5/13/2014 11:17 AM

Like hell, I feel like there are many levels of limbo. I'm still in one of those levels. Some are capable of climbing out all together, others break up pieces of the relationship and let go of them one by one. I wish I had the strength to walk away from everything at once. Unfortunately, I do not. I still have hope where there is none. Even with her telling me point blank that she is giving me ZERO hope and that I just need to move on.

Best advice I can give. Don't wait on anyone to help you. Help yourself and the people who are worthy of your love and affection will surround you.

Mochagurl posted 5/13/2014 11:54 AM

I am so sorry you are in limbo. Not fun at all. You have answered some of my posts with very good advise.

I feel we have gone through similar situations.

My husband says he isn't seeing current or any other women right now. But They can't be trusted. I have so much trouble understanding how someone can lie to me like that. How you can do that to your partner.

After the OW a few years ago, I promised myself never again would I put myself or family through what happened then. Well when it happened again, my youngest was a year away from HS graduation. I had my son graduating from college and another daughter who is in medical school. We pay for most of this and I am sure he knows that it is very hard for me to say forget it, let the kids figure out their own finances.

So I was advised to wait until after the events last summer, then leave him and file. Well in the meantime, he has lost his job and hasn't been able to find steady work. Then the attorney told me, no job no SS. She said wait for him to get a job. So I sit wondering where he is, if he is seeing her etc.

I have decided to try not to care. He is doing this not me. I keep reading here and looking for a sign to leave. I will never find one, like you I am scared. We have been together since high school. But I dream of the day when we are apart. I don't know how all of our stuff will get separated or the house or other properties get sold. But I do know life would be better on the other side.

I will tell you like someone else said, we do get mean to each other. Might be me more than him, and I am not a mean person. BUt I get angry and fed up when I think about how he treats me.

I went to an IC and told her help me leave. And she told me she thinks he will always be a cheater. When I was having trouble moving forward, she said well you can just stay with him and make your own life. That's not the answer either.But that is where I am right now isn't it?

[This message edited by Mochagurl at 12:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

jackie89 posted 5/13/2014 13:02 PM

I can barely stand to be in the same room with him

(((Ostrich))) - you deserve better than this.
I don't think you are in LIMBO, if you were in LIMBO you would still want to be in the relationship. I think YOU are done. You just need to have the courage to take the first step away from this craziness.

What can you do today, this week to take the first step? Can you start to open a new checking account, can you consult a lawyer? (knowledge is power) - Can you look for a new apartment?

He's not going to change. He doesn't love you or respect you.

So what can you do today, to take the first step?

LearningToRun posted 5/13/2014 13:22 PM

Mine got mean, passive aggressive and just detached from me. He started secret meetings with the person he just married. When i would ask what was wrong he would just say he didn't want to talk about it.

Clearly, he wanted out but had no balls to do it.

When i finally got him to talk he was already gone. I tried for about a week but i just didn't have it in me anymore. SO i offered Divorce and he grasped it like a drowning man grabs a life preserver.

He blamed me, of course, and i took the blame, as always.

But darn it, life is so much better now. I know you are scared, but its worth it not to live like that.

TheRealDeal posted 5/13/2014 14:06 PM

My tagline sums it up: Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Once I reached that point - and it took me months because I was scared - I "just let go".

It's hard to explain but I had finally reached a point where I knew I'd be okay no matter what. I realized that I was hurting myself more by not listening to my truth versus how his actions were hurting me. I was hurting myself more - and it slowly dawned on me that I needed to love myself, not hurt myself.

It was almost as if overnight the scattered pieces of my thoughts came together and I knew, just knew, deep down inside, I had to do what I needed to do....and should have done months before.

So I "let go" as they say. I just turned it over and said whatever will be, will be. Scary? Absolutely but I knew I had to do it for myself. I booted him off the fence where he had grown quite comfortable; I knew either outcome was fine with me because I had reached my limit.

But fear can hold you back at times - it did for me - and until you arrive at the point where you know that YOU will be there for yourself, it can sometimes paralyze you. But we all arrive at decision points at different times and its no ones timeline but your own.

Just as with anything else in the future, you don't know what it holds. I was fully prepared to lose him and at the point that I pushed him off the fence he knew it. I spoke calmly, matter-of-factly, and from the very center of my being. He knew I was walking away for good, that I was done and it snapped him out of his delusional thinking.

It doesn't always happen the way it has for us because we are in R but either way a decision will have been made...limbo is hell.

Your future is calling Ostrich, don't be late for your life by putting them on hold. (((((Ostrich)))))

[This message edited by TheRealDeal at 2:08 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

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