Thursday, we discussed this with our new MC and she told him he needed to write it, in detail, with dates and all, by the next appt(or at least the shell of it to be added to as things come up). She called bullshit on the fact that he says he can't remember dates an told him to get out a calendar. He wrote out the first time in great detail. Told me about the second and third but hasn't written them down yet. I'm a mess. This is killing me. I need to be able to process this information but I truly feel like I am dying of sadness. He left nothing sacred or special for us. It's all gone. I am so devastated.
Do I keep going on the timeline or not? Is this a normal reaction?
Also, I think I knew instinctively, the more detail I got, the more I could be sure my W was coming clean.
I think the devastation is normal, and I think the earlier you face it, the earlier you'll resolve it. I especially asked questions when I feared the answer.
I think you should dig, but I'm biased. You've got to - and you've got all the resources you need to - figure out what's best for you.
I don't know how to process the information he is giving me. It's so big and it's so painful. I'm in IC but other than that, I have no one to talk to about it. I feel utterly alone with this and I am not coping well.
I am glad that you are in IC and MC, so you have someone to talk it over with - and great that your MC calls him on his BS!
Of course, WH left out a few details: like the fact that he continued the A while we were in IC/MC.
3 awesome kids! (My light)
The fact that he wrote it out is an excellent indicator that he is ready to do the work required to help heal your heart. It's just so unfortunate that it has to be smashed over and over with the new details before everything bottoms out.
I think that it's even worse when a spouse refuses to do the timeline, or claims forgetfulness. Even in the event that drugs or alcohol or mental illness is involved, there is a fair amount of bullshit mixed in when the WS claims not to be able to recall anything. They KNOW the truth, and handing it over to the BS, not matter how devastating the details are, is a critical step towards an authentic relationship.
You may be able to create new sacred and special things once the dust has settled. For now, please try to find some solace in the fact that he is finally being honest. I know it hurts anyway. I'm so sorry.
Do I keep going on the timeline or not?
I never got a written timeline. I wish I had insisted. Occasionally I have doubts that I know the whole story. It undermines my confidence that we are able to reconcile.
To have a complete, written timeline would be a great base to build from I would imagine, much better than my disjointed spoken one...peppered with TT.
I am sure it is very difficult to read but without it you will continue to have unanswered questions.
He is including the sexual details which I asked for. I thought I needed them(and still do think that although I am crushed right now) but he is just about had a nervous breakdown talking about them and I feel like I am one step away from crossing over a psychological boundary I won't be able to uncross. However, I also feel like it all needs to be out there...now. Are we doing this wrong?
If there was a deal killer in the mix, I didn't want to waste time in R,
I needed details. We recovered deleted texts and pictures from his phone, and I about died, but I was stilling willing to work on things.
Then I found out he involved the kids, forcing them to lie to me about seeing her, and I WAS DONE. Definite dealbreaker for me.
Your WH needs to face what he has done and own up to it. And you need to make your decisions given all the facts.
Unfortunately since the sexual details were not written down I had to ask over and over again I could not keep things straight in my spinning head. That was a painful conversation each time. I should have had her write down all the detail.
Get as much information as you need. For me it was everything and I mean everything. But there were some things I did not think to ask about until a couple of years later and then I did not want to bring it up because our recovery was going so well. Those things really haunt me TEN YEARS later.
Do yourself a favor get it all written down now.
You say that a lot of your H's timeline involves the sexual details. If you feel you need to know these facts, then he needs to be fess up. I think you also need to understand the full extent of any and all time and financial commitments. For me, getting ahold of all of his credit card details filled in the blanks I had in my calendar and in my mind. For me, finding out the actual logistics behind how he managed to be with her was much more enlightening than discovering the details of their sexual encounters.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain you are feeling. You have found a good place to vent and to receive advice and comfort.
The fact that I am just not getting what I am asking for might turn out to be the deal breaker for me. I am really starting to feel resentment over this.
Hugs to you, JOMD. I do think there is no good answer to your question. Pain lies in either direction, no matter what. But someone here says the only cure for the pain, is the pain.
Peace and Strength to you - I'm sorry for what you are going thru.
Trickle truth - the process of finding out little things at a time vs. getting it all out at once - is damaging to everyone involved. I can't tell you how many times my husband would say "you know everything now" and then I would find out something, like who really was on a particular trip he took with his "guy friends." It just put R back to square one. And even now, 5 months after the timeline was produced and read in a therapists office in front of his IC and our MC, I still have a lot of bad memories and mistrust about the whole process. Many therapists will say that depending on how long the infidelities occurred it can be very difficult for the WS to recall everything IMMEDIATELY and with accuracy. And as in the case of my WH, it took him almost 9 months to wake up and be honest.
The timeline was pretty much accurate, save for one major detail, which was sort of glossed over but came out a week later. Reading the timeline was devastating, but like almost everyone else who's posted here, I found it absolutely necessary for healing. Sort of like cleaning out an infected wound with peroxide. Painful but necessary.
This is a really tough spot on the road to R, but you're on the path and the fact that your H is being open to completing a timeline is a good sign. The timeline may bring up more questions and the answers can be extremely hurtful. I hope that your WS knows that he will hurt you less if he is completely honest, no matter how horrible he thinks the details are. He has an opportunity now to demonstrate to you that he's willing to put his self-protection aside in order to help you heal.
[This message edited by veronique12 at 12:42 PM, May 12th (Monday)]