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How could he bring the OW to our house?

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WisLax posted 5/11/2014 20:22 PM

I need to add my story to this list. I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. The first time was when we where married about ten years - I caught him instant messaging an old girlfriend from the past. He finally admitted to texting her and keeping it from me. He thought he was doing nothing wrong.(His first internet affair) Fastforward 15 years... Two weeks ago I found out from friends that he was seen with a young woman. I checked his facebook account and computer history and confirmed what my friends had told me. But I also discovered while looking at his facebook conversations that he has mentioned another account with an old "friend", remembering old times when they were single - he had two sexual encounters with her before calling it off. We have started to talk about our marriage and have had our first counselling session. My biggest problem I am having with everything (all is a big problem) is my husband brought the OW to our house and had sex with her in one of the bedrooms! I feel that my sacred house has been soiled/destroyed! Thank heavens he had enough sense to stay out of our bedroom....but I cannot be in that room! The door is closed....the bedding has been thrown away...How do I come to some terms with this room. I do not want to move....has anyone had this experience....help!

thecosmogirl posted 5/11/2014 20:40 PM

I'm so sorry!!
Mine also brought the OW to our house. But he did take her to our bedroom and bed
We moved and have all new furniture, bedding, etc. I realize that may not be feasible for you.
I can relate in part to you because he also had sex and got BJs in his office where we both now work. It is REALLY hard to be in that office. He did totally re-do it. New paint, new desk, new chair. All of it totally different than before. It does help.
It's not perfect and I still will trigger when in that room sometimes but, it helps that it's redecorated.

(((Hugs)))
Please be good to yourself and I hope others with better advice will post.

OakStreet posted 5/11/2014 20:41 PM

((WisLax))

Others will come along with some advice. Just wanted you to know that you will get some good advice here. Read the Healing Library and be strong!

This is a shitty rollercoaster ride!

Mochagurl posted 5/11/2014 20:57 PM

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. My WH also brought the OW into our home. She played with my cat and the piano. After that they went to the basement to watch a movie and do the deed. I am totally disgusted by his lack of remorse and how little he valued our relationship and all. This was my safe place.

He also brought her up to WI to meet his mother and sisters. I cannot bring myself to talk to his sisters or mother. He introduced her as his girlfriend. And everybody knew he was married to me! The DIL and SIL. It was very rude and selfish of him.

I can't get past either of these events. I am sitting tight at the moment. But I can't love someone who does this to me.

I have cleaned the carpet and plan on selling the piano. It took me a long time before I could walk into that room.

You could try to rearrange the furniture. Get new pillows or something to make it your own again.

And the person who told me these things-the OW.

Furious1 posted 5/11/2014 22:06 PM

WH brought OW#5 (my sister) into my home and into my bed.

When I found out, I burned the mattresses, bedding, pillows, and everything else that reminded me of the A. I made a ceremony out of it and took pictures. Beware that if you choose to burn mattresses, the flames get really big, really fast. Keep a water hose handy.

I went out and bought all new mattresses and all new bedding. I reclaimed my bed and my bedroom. I like my house and my bedroom furniture too much to let what my WH and sister did destroy it.

I know how it feels to have the sanctity of your home violated so disgustingly. I hope you are able to find a way to cope with it.

1Faith posted 5/12/2014 12:37 PM

WisLax

My FWH brought the OW to our house as well. It was and still is unfathomable to me. How could he be with another woman in our home with our children's pictures everywhere? With our wedding picture on full display? Again, we will never understand it because it simply is surreal and illogical.

After 3+ years since Dday, we are still in the same house. I realized that I shouldn't be punished any more than I already had bc of their stupid, selfish choices. Like others, I did get new furniture, etc. but in the end I wasn't going to let their lies take me away from my home.

You are projecting your hurt and anger toward the room and the house because it is easier than accepting the reality that you WH chose to betray you in your home. It is a coping mechanism and totally normal.

Like with anything, it all just takes TIME. That four letter word. TIME.

He thought he was doing nothing wrong.(His first internet affair)

(((gently))) He knew it was wrong. He was sneaking around and hiding it from you. He knew it was wrong.

IC and MC will help. Define your boundaries and know what you will or won't put up with.

Good luck.

Strangefacade posted 5/12/2014 15:35 PM

Can you repurpose the room into something else? Like a craft room or exercise room?
Fresh paint, new carpet, new purpose?

PollyA posted 5/12/2014 16:19 PM

I am so sorry you have to deal with that betrayal. It is difficult, but it could fade with time. It did for me.

I had an OW in my house. H CLAIMED they were only on the futon, not my bed. That futon is sooooo comfortable (innerspring), I couldn't get rid of it. That was 13 years ago and that futon is STILL comfortable. My sister loves it when she visits.

After admitting to 3 dudes in my house, but only on the floor. Later, H said, they were on the futon (claimed he said that from the beginning, but I remember saying, "I can't believe a gay man would accept being told to have sex on this disgusting floor!" ...so I BELIEVE THEY WERE IN MY BED!!

I have a new bed.

The thing I haven't gotten over is that the OW from 13 years ago spent time with my DOG! Playing with and petting MY DOG! That dog was my child. She traveled around the U.S. with me, every time I moved. Coast to coast. THAT was an even bigger betrayal than the bed. Like my dog had any say in the matter? Of course she didn't, Ick!

[This message edited by PollyA at 4:23 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

krsplat posted 5/12/2014 17:13 PM

This is a discussion on this same topic:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=527527

I found my WH and his OW in our guest room, and he later admitted to having f*ed her in my bed too. I replaced every bed frame, mattress and set of sheets that touched their disgusting bodies. The furniture was not as nice as what I had before, but I am able to sleep there now.

I admit that my house still feel haunted, and I will be angry forever that they had so little respect for me as to poison and pollute my sanctuary. But I worked hard to make my house just the way I love it and I'll be DAMNED if I let them take it from me.

hopefull77 posted 5/12/2014 17:52 PM

Wislax
I am sorry that was something I was afraid of too.
The only reason he did not bring her to our home was because he did not want to get caught! We have lived here for 30 years and so have quite a few of our neighbors...the neighbors do not have 9-5 jobs ...there are musicians and such that they can work from home...we are a very "neighborhood watch" kind of group!!!
But his office was definitely their den of inequity and just this past December his building had a mainline flood...so all the sewage water came into his office!!!
That made for a TOTAL makeover!! GOD works in amazing ways!
Hang in there...it is still your house...I am sure you have more good memories than bad in your home...concentrate on that...
I wish you peace

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/12/2014 17:55 PM

The first time was when we where married about ten years - I caught him instant messaging an old girlfriend from the past. He finally admitted to texting her and keeping it from me. He thought he was doing nothing wrong.(His first internet affair)

Does he realize how ignorant that sounds? He was HIDING it from you yet he claims he thought he was doing 'nothing wrong.' I hope you know what a complete crock of crap that was.

I see a man bringing his OW into the marital home and soiling it with her presence as an act of anger towards his wife, I honestly do. What better way to stick it to your mate than by staining the ONE place in this whole world she considers her safe haven? To me, that's inexcusable and grounds for an all expense paid trip to the curb for him.

I'm sure that it did happen when I was with my cheater, I just don't have any concrete evidence.

If you don't want to move then I would do a complete makeover in that room - and make sure his ass does 90% of the work.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 5/12/2014 18:11 PM

I feel your pain for sure! My WH let the AP into our home once but because it's been 25 years since the A (and I just found out 8 mos. ago) he says he honestly cannot remember if they had sex then or not. We still have the furniture we had back then, but it is now and has been for a long time, in the guest bedroom. It does still bother me though and I also keep that door shut and avoid going in the room! I would like to hear what others have to say about this as well. Even though he is not sure, I would still like to get rid of the furniture I think! I will always hate it, and it CAN BE a huge trigger for me! Prayers and Blessings to you!

hopefull77 posted 5/12/2014 19:53 PM

Never again...in my opinion the ONLY reason he didn't f**k her in our home was only because HE did not want to be caught...he wasn't thinking about ME or his AP only himself...affairs are completely selfish...he had no problem screwing her in her husbands bed!!!
They used each other without ONE thought of their
spouse or kids..it was all about them....
in all honesty he should have been thinking about his choices when he searched her out on the Internet to begin with!

devasted30 posted 5/12/2014 19:56 PM

My WS not only brought the OW into our house and into our bed but they spent the weekend there while I was away in Europe leading a tour. And I had just found out my Dad had died and I was in mourning. How could he have done this? Then he brought her back the next weekend for more fun. The next one he brought over wouldn't go into our bedroom. But only bc she knew her predecessor had been in that bedroom. Didn't matter about me.
We have moved, but even though the mattress and box spring have been changed, I am still using the bed frame on the master bedroom. I hate it but haven't found a replacement yet. Don't know whether to change the whole suite or just the bed frame.
We gave away the other bed that was used...what a story that bed had.

Strangefacade posted 5/12/2014 20:46 PM

My husband brought his ow into our home as the babysitter. And also screwed her when I was working nights.
It has polluted my house, so I will sell it.
But also, it tried to hurt my relationship with my kids. Three under four. Sweet little babies that loved their former baby sitter, and still ask about her.
My newest son is three months. WH started the affair right after I got pregnant, and continued all through pregnancy delivery and maternity leave. Sometimes I look at that baby and ache. But mostly, I love it that he is all mine. WH's DNA, but all mine.
Don't let your WS take something from you that is yours.

standinghere posted 5/13/2014 03:51 AM

Don't let your WS take something from you that is yours

Amen to this!!!

Same goes for the AP.

My wife brought him to our house and bed, among other places. But, it is still MY HOME and will remain so.

tryingsodanghard posted 7/15/2014 10:27 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. Hearing each other's stories is vaguely comforting, though, a continual reminder that we are not alone, that we are, in fact, legion.

My WW says she tried to have him come to our house and bed, but he was afraid of me and wouldn't come near the place. About a month or so after D Day I was in an adjoining town for the night. We had actually attempted sex and nice behavior the night before, but he knew I was gone and finally entered the house. The A was broken, though, so they went out to MY woodshop, drank MY beer, and played with MY dogs. At that point I called and she couldn't lie, and the resulting shouting match drove him back to his truck and home, verified by my neighbors. Craziness.

OutoftheDeep posted 7/15/2014 11:07 AM

So sorry, I don't know how to ever get over something like that.

ExWH may have brought OW to our house when I wasn't there, I'll never know. But he did send her over to watch our kids, while I was in the house, during a time I had a broken leg. This bitch was in my house, taking care of ME and MY CHILDREN, driving my car, in my house for several days. She was an employee of his, so not only that I'm sure he paid the bitch for it!

It's a special kind of evil to do this to someone.Disgusting. Personally, I could never stay with someone who did that. And I didn't stay.


NeverAgain2013 posted 7/15/2014 11:16 AM

I see this as such a cowardly act of passive aggression. It's just the ultimate kick in the face to a betrayed spouse. I think it takes a certain low down, low rent, absolute bottom feeder type of person to do that.

I also believe there's a certain amount of malice to doing it. It's like a secret, down and dirty attempt to just put the ultimate screws to your spouse.

It's bad enough when a cheater can't respect their spouse enough to act with dignity and integrity towards them and honor the vows they took. I think it goes a step even farther when they have the colossal NERVE and audacity to purposely bring someone in to stain and contaminate the betrayed spouse's most sacred of safe places - their home. It's like the cheater can't help themselves and MUST make sure that their betrayed spouse has been kicked in the face every single way they possibly can.

We're all different, but I see that as a complete and total deal breaker - with zero chance for negotiation on the topic. He'd be gone.

peaceBmine posted 7/15/2014 11:42 AM

Mine also brought her to our house and to our bed. I did throw out the old bedding as it was a reminder. I take some solice in the fact that he wasn't able to "perform" so technically no "sex", but that didn't change the attempt. I'm surebit didn't help that I was texting him from out ofntown letting him know that the kids and I missed him.

I have tried to look at this as an event that shows his truly messed up state of mind. How STUPID could you really be???!!! OBVIOUSLY they have lost their mind and senses at that point!

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