Please be good to yourself and I hope others with better advice will post.
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
Others will come along with some advice. Just wanted you to know that you will get some good advice here. Read the Healing Library and be strong!
This is a shitty rollercoaster ride!
He also brought her up to WI to meet his mother and sisters. I cannot bring myself to talk to his sisters or mother. He introduced her as his girlfriend. And everybody knew he was married to me! The DIL and SIL. It was very rude and selfish of him.
I can't get past either of these events. I am sitting tight at the moment. But I can't love someone who does this to me.
I have cleaned the carpet and plan on selling the piano. It took me a long time before I could walk into that room.
You could try to rearrange the furniture. Get new pillows or something to make it your own again.
And the person who told me these things-the OW.
When I found out, I burned the mattresses, bedding, pillows, and everything else that reminded me of the A. I made a ceremony out of it and took pictures. Beware that if you choose to burn mattresses, the flames get really big, really fast. Keep a water hose handy.
I went out and bought all new mattresses and all new bedding. I reclaimed my bed and my bedroom. I like my house and my bedroom furniture too much to let what my WH and sister did destroy it.
I know how it feels to have the sanctity of your home violated so disgustingly. I hope you are able to find a way to cope with it.
My FWH brought the OW to our house as well. It was and still is unfathomable to me. How could he be with another woman in our home with our children's pictures everywhere? With our wedding picture on full display? Again, we will never understand it because it simply is surreal and illogical.
After 3+ years since Dday, we are still in the same house. I realized that I shouldn't be punished any more than I already had bc of their stupid, selfish choices. Like others, I did get new furniture, etc. but in the end I wasn't going to let their lies take me away from my home.
You are projecting your hurt and anger toward the room and the house because it is easier than accepting the reality that you WH chose to betray you in your home. It is a coping mechanism and totally normal.
Like with anything, it all just takes TIME. That four letter word. TIME.
He thought he was doing nothing wrong.(His first internet affair)
(((gently))) He knew it was wrong. He was sneaking around and hiding it from you. He knew it was wrong.
IC and MC will help. Define your boundaries and know what you will or won't put up with.
I had an OW in my house. H CLAIMED they were only on the futon, not my bed. That futon is sooooo comfortable (innerspring), I couldn't get rid of it. That was 13 years ago and that futon is STILL comfortable. My sister loves it when she visits.
After admitting to 3 dudes in my house, but only on the floor. Later, H said, they were on the futon (claimed he said that from the beginning, but I remember saying, "I can't believe a gay man would accept being told to have sex on this disgusting floor!" ...so I BELIEVE THEY WERE IN MY BED!!
I have a new bed.
The thing I haven't gotten over is that the OW from 13 years ago spent time with my DOG! Playing with and petting MY DOG! That dog was my child. She traveled around the U.S. with me, every time I moved. Coast to coast. THAT was an even bigger betrayal than the bed. Like my dog had any say in the matter? Of course she didn't, Ick!
[This message edited by PollyA at 4:23 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
I found my WH and his OW in our guest room, and he later admitted to having f*ed her in my bed too. I replaced every bed frame, mattress and set of sheets that touched their disgusting bodies. The furniture was not as nice as what I had before, but I am able to sleep there now.
I admit that my house still feel haunted, and I will be angry forever that they had so little respect for me as to poison and pollute my sanctuary. But I worked hard to make my house just the way I love it and I'll be DAMNED if I let them take it from me.
" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R
The first time was when we where married about ten years - I caught him instant messaging an old girlfriend from the past. He finally admitted to texting her and keeping it from me. He thought he was doing nothing wrong.(His first internet affair)
I see a man bringing his OW into the marital home and soiling it with her presence as an act of anger towards his wife, I honestly do. What better way to stick it to your mate than by staining the ONE place in this whole world she considers her safe haven? To me, that's inexcusable and grounds for an all expense paid trip to the curb for him.
I'm sure that it did happen when I was with my cheater, I just don't have any concrete evidence.
If you don't want to move then I would do a complete makeover in that room - and make sure his ass does 90% of the work.
Amen to this!!!
Same goes for the AP.
My wife brought him to our house and bed, among other places. But, it is still MY HOME and will remain so.
My WW says she tried to have him come to our house and bed, but he was afraid of me and wouldn't come near the place. About a month or so after D Day I was in an adjoining town for the night. We had actually attempted sex and nice behavior the night before, but he knew I was gone and finally entered the house. The A was broken, though, so they went out to MY woodshop, drank MY beer, and played with MY dogs. At that point I called and she couldn't lie, and the resulting shouting match drove him back to his truck and home, verified by my neighbors. Craziness.
ExWH may have brought OW to our house when I wasn't there, I'll never know. But he did send her over to watch our kids, while I was in the house, during a time I had a broken leg. This bitch was in my house, taking care of ME and MY CHILDREN, driving my car, in my house for several days. She was an employee of his, so not only that I'm sure he paid the bitch for it!
It's a special kind of evil to do this to someone.Disgusting. Personally, I could never stay with someone who did that. And I didn't stay.
I also believe there's a certain amount of malice to doing it. It's like a secret, down and dirty attempt to just put the ultimate screws to your spouse.
It's bad enough when a cheater can't respect their spouse enough to act with dignity and integrity towards them and honor the vows they took. I think it goes a step even farther when they have the colossal NERVE and audacity to purposely bring someone in to stain and contaminate the betrayed spouse's most sacred of safe places - their home. It's like the cheater can't help themselves and MUST make sure that their betrayed spouse has been kicked in the face every single way they possibly can.
We're all different, but I see that as a complete and total deal breaker - with zero chance for negotiation on the topic. He'd be gone.
I have tried to look at this as an event that shows his truly messed up state of mind. How STUPID could you really be???!!! OBVIOUSLY they have lost their mind and senses at that point!