It was lovely except the last time I was in that area was a weekend he took the kids away to meet her. So of course the drive triggered me. Plus every time I met a new work mate and they said how wonderful he was I just wanted to scream at them that he was a good guy until he spent 5 months fucking another woman.
When does that go away? Will it? I used to be so proud of my husband and his achievements. But now I feel like he hasn't always been that good guy and I can't sing his praises like I used to and like I was so proud too :(
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
I use to be so proud of my H too. He presents himself as such a nice guy, works with kids, and is constantly building people up with praise. He gets all kinds of admiration in our small town.
But, I know that he has used porn to meet his needs instead of learning true intimacy in marriage for half our marriage, that he lived a double life for almost two years and told no one in his actual life, and that he still has no idea how much he has damaged me by both of those choices because he focuses on his own experiences of my bad communication skills.
People constantly tell me how wonderful he is, kids are always running up to say hi, and he has an reputation for being a dynamic teacher full of integrity.
I feel like I hold an evil secret that very few people know about him. I resent that and hope with all my heart that I am right in believing that he would never cross boundaries with children the way he has with porn and his A. If I found out he did, I would never forgive myself for staying with him.
What I have to try to remember is that there is more to my husband than the affair. Right now the affair is clouding my impression of him, it's blocking out all the good stuff; but I have to try to still see the good stuff. As he works to fix his issues and puts time and effort into our marriage and our R, I am hoping that the good things he is doing will help me to look past the A.
One thing that also helps me is to know that now I know and acknowledge the REAL him. I am no longer living under any illusions about who he is - this is important to me because I only discovered the A 8.5 years after it ended. I like knowing that I have all the facts about who I am married to. For a while there I feel like I was living with Hannibal Lecter, thinking he was Prince Charming
I used to say my H was "the best person I knew." It hurts to not be able to say that right now, and mean it. Will I be able to say that exact same thing again? I don't know -- but he is a man working hard, and in many ways, I didn't really see him accurately before. I think his trying to appear so "good" actually prevented him from coming to me when he was in danger of falling into the affair, which might have prevented it.
So, good things can come from this -- have faith.
He sees himself as a good person who made a bad mistake. I am not there yet.
I spent 20+ years knowing my husband had a stronger moral compass than I did.
He was one of the best people I knew.
And one day he fell and really fell hard.
It didn't erase for me the things that I believed in him, I knew he was the same person in his core.
I watched him struggle with who he had allowed himself to become. I didn't need to beat him up for it, he did enough of that on his own.
He didn't understand how he let himself and his values go, how he could screw up so majorly as to inflict the kind of pain he did.
So he looked in, changed the broken pieces and stood up tall once again.
I find now, after this experience, I have more respect for him than before. He could have made excuses, blamed me, our marriage, the weather....but he didn't and never has.He blamed himself and has never once waivered from that truth.
He took the wheel and started the process to get the car out of the ditch, he didn't leave, run or hide. He faced himself, his truth.
He faced me and my pain every single day.
I truly respect the process he had to go through to get us here ( I had my own process, we all do)
So, yeah, stunnedmullet...if he does the work he needs to do to heal and right the wrongs, you can feel that pride again.
I used to be so proud of my husband and his achievements
I find I define achievevements differently now-a-days.
When my H's grandfather died (my H was 17 at the time), his grand-dad said, "keep being the good guy, I know you are." Grandparents are not fooled.
My H is a good man. He is a good person. But he made a terrible choice. And he made it over and over again. He lost his way. Yours did too.
Like karma's H, mine has never pointed the finger at me. Never tried to pin this on me or work stresses or what have you. Partly bc of this, I knew his character was still in there and I think of what his grandfather said to him bc I know he is right.
This is going to take some time. You are so close to your D-Day. Keep breathing. Remain hopeful but look out for you.
He is owning all of the wrongdoing. He is facing me everyday, when I cry, when I get silent, when I yell, when I fall in a heap, he is there to hold me and say sorry over and over again. I know he could have never told me (he told me I didn't find out) so I give him a lot of credit for that - I think that is one of the reasons why I am working on R with him. I guess at the moment aside from the kids, his two biggest achievements was gaining a sword of honour in the military reserves (where he met the OW) and getting this promotion (he started the EA whilst he had moved to the new city and I was home preparing to sell our house and move our family from everything familiar. Once we moved he started the PA 2 weeks later). So the fact that two of his huge achievements are tied in with her are really hard to feel good about them. Even talking with my brother who is in the military is a trigger for me. I felt so proud of these achievements, and did everything humanely possible to help him achieve them, but ultimately I gave him the space and the support to start an affair.
I do love him so very much, and I want to feel proud of him and love the fact that I am married to him like I used to. But it is now so heavily tainted with hurt that I don't know exactly if I will ever feel proud of him again.
[This message edited by stunnedmullet at 11:05 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
I suffered through 3 more DDays.
He only recently owned his shit after he found out I consulted a divorce lawyer.
The new "timeline" puts the A at just about 3 years (give or take a few hours). Makes me want to scream at his coworkers... Yes, he is SUCH a good guy fucking his old High School friend for 3 years, taking her to big parties and events leaving me at home THINKING he's working, and gaslighting me, disrespecting me, devaluing me, while continuing EA for another 15-18 months after.
Sorry...bad day. Hugs to you SM and everyone else here.
but ultimately I gave him the space and the support to start an affair
You gave him space. Period.
You gave him support. Period.
You, did not, in any way, enable the A.
But there I was with the kids, who were young and wild and I was exhausted.
But I did not enable the A. He owns it. 100%.
Hugs for you.
I know exactly what you mean. My husband is a high-achiever and a good guy. I was always so proud of him. Now it is so tough to get that back. To separate the affair from the rest of the man. It has been three and a half years and that part is getting better. Not there yet, but maybe someday.
I realized early that my H, although his behavior EXTREME, can be a "good guy"; however, he is the worst possible husband. Or was....we'll see.
The most difficult are friends who comment about how WONDERFUL our relationship is.
I haven't told many folks, and no one in my family, that for eight years my H met strange men off CL ads. The few I did tell say, "He's gay, so you need to leave.
So....they still think he's a wonderful husband. Hearing it makes me CRAZY!!!
So no, she isn't as great as others see. I see how good she is...now. Or how good she is becoming. But that's the key. The ones successful at hiding infidelity are those that appear good to everyone they come in contact with. It's the ones who make you uncomfortable, that show their imperfections that you can trust. That are usually the good ones. You can trust their kindness, their anger and their other emotions, because you know they are genuine.
[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 5:23 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
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[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]