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obsessing about this time last year

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Christy516 posted 5/12/2014 00:39 AM

Someone recently posted about affair season. Is this what I'm dealing with and if so how do i stop?

My WH first went to AP house April 30th of last year. They had been texting inappropriately since December but him going to her house took it to a new level. The sex wouldn'thappen for quite a while but the i love you's and the PA started. I have been living every day for the past few weeks both in the now and in last year. I can't help but think every day "well he was texting with her all day this time last year" " i wonder if today was a day he visited" "i remember the flowering plant he got me last year for Mothers Day but he also called her so it doesn't count" . I am worrying about exactly what happened each day as it corresponds to the date this year. The thing is, there is nothing really different about each day, they were all the same. Visiting a couple times a week, random days. Texting all day and all night. Why am I obsessed with this? I kinda think that i feel like a fool for not recognizing what was happening so now i am trying to be hyper-vigilant. Like i need to make sure, compare circumstances, behavior, etc.

My WH sat down with me and tried to add more detail as I wanted. But there wasn't much to add. How do I stop doing this? It's driving me insane! I try to concentrate on the now, which is very good. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

I should also add our 16 year anniversary is this month. I know he texted with her on our anniversary last year because I've seen the records. I am torn because i really don't want to celebrate the past year. My WH has said let's look at it as a new beginning. Or just celebrate surviving so far and recommitting to us. In case i haven't mentioned it this was actually an exit affair for him. Up until he packed his things, we talked to our daughter and he drove away, he had no intentions of staying.

So i guess my question is is there anything i can do to stop obsessing about last year? He has truly been supportive, apologetic, honest. I couldn't ask for anything more. But I'm driving my self crazy!

Sorry for the rambling. I feel like I'm trying to explain something i don't understand.

morethantrying posted 5/12/2014 01:35 AM

I see your DD is very recent. Be gentle on yourself. It does take does.

So you asked the million dollar question! I still struggle with this on and off as well too. There are things you can do. Like when you start to think, snap and elastic on your wrist; grab out a photo of something or someone very happy (pet, kids), smell something nice that reminds you of something nice, listen to favorite is listen to Christmas music.

Find what works for you at least some of the time and then stick with takes 21-45 days to form a new habit and we have formed the "habit" of thinking of it. So we must form a new habit to replace it. It also helps to keep busy.

Also, try to think if there is anything you are getting out of thinking about it so much? Perhaps you really do still need to process it quite a bit was quite a shock!

Do you feel better somehow by feeling sorry for yourself? I know I did! It is then, in a weird way, making you feel good to feel bad by thinking about it? I found that actually this was true for me. I Needed TO sometimes feel good and sorry for myself, think really good, cry and then try to move on that day.

I stopped beating myself up for feeling sorry for myself. Its okay to feel sorry for yourself...who wouldn"t! But I also asked myself, is this ruminating or am I really solving something, processing something that is helping me to move on by thinking about it again? That helped to ask this. If I wasn't really getting anything new by thinking about it, then I said, well put it in the back of my mind and let IT work on it there because I have better things to think about in the front of my mind.

On the other hand, I too also realized I did not want to linger there too long.

Also, I think you have to be ready as well to do this. I found that I needed to feel sorry for myself ENOUGH before I was really to work on forming that new habit.

Still at 15 month, I like to feel sorry for myself...I deserve it...yet I AM now more engaged in a new project and that helps. It will happen. Be kind and gentle with yourself and at the same time do little things to gently help yourself move forward as well....this is what I am trying to do anyway!

[This message edited by morethantrying at 1:39 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

Gman1 posted 5/12/2014 09:12 AM

The one year anniversary of my D-day was just last week. It was an EA that turned into a weekend PA 4/13. I had no idea but she confessed on her own on 5/9/13. I was very apprehensive about the coming of both the anniversary of the weekend she was out of town and the D-day itself. I decided that I was simply tired of allowing the A thoughts to dominate my head any longer. I decided to commit to myself to only think of positive thoughts and not to focus on the anniversary of such negative and painful events. I told my WW that I was not going to continue to dwell on the past and it was time for both of us to look to the future.

I will admit that I obviously did think about things on the anniversary dates, but I learned to "change the subject" in my head and it worked! I also made sure that I was extremely busy during these times doing all sorts of things so that my brain did not have much down time. Also, last year on Mother's Day, I found out that my WW sent several texts to the AP. She broke NC on Mother's Day which was the first weekend after D-day. I thought Mother's Day might be a huge trigger this year but, again, I simply didn't allow my head to focus on it and enjoyed the day.

I think the bottom line for me is that after D-day the trauma was so horrible that I somehow was able to not allow myself to have to go through that sort of thing again. One of the worst things for me was not having control over my mind with the 24/7 wheel turning consisting of questions, thoughts, images and mind movies. It was pure torture as I am sure you understand. It almost drove me to go to see my Dr for medication. Now, I simply will not allow myself to lose control over my thoughts. I have just been able to do this within the last six weeks and it is a huge relief.

Hopefully, soon you will be able to "turn off" these types of thoughts inside your mind. It takes time but I am sure you will get there soon!
Everyone works at a different pace and there is no set time for each individual's healing.

2married2quit posted 5/12/2014 09:36 AM

Take it easy on yourself. I"m going through the exact same thing as you as my FWW's A happened right this month and our anniversary is today. It's been 2yrs now, but I revisit it as this month is the big one.

He's gonna have to be patient with you and help you along through the process. It's not anything you're doing intentionally. It's the direct results of his actions.

Hugs. I know how you feel.

joannie posted 5/12/2014 13:19 PM

feel the same, it was a few days over a year ago d day, heart still hurts , into r since end august, happy and scared at the same time...want to be happy and not scared, am waiting...we all need our hugs,,,one from france to you

isthismynewlife posted 5/12/2014 15:13 PM

I'm dealing with the same thing right now. Last year at this time the "I love you" part of his affair started. So hard not to look back on Mother's Day last year knowing he was texting her how much he loved her that day. I wish I knew how to make those thoughts stop. They do nothing but throw me backwards. I'm currently trying the rubber band on my wrist - will see if that helps. I feel that it's going to be a long 7 months ahead of me living thru the affair season.

2married2quit posted 5/12/2014 15:22 PM

You do have to switch your mindset from victim to survivor. It is the only way. You also have to accept the fact that you were wronged and life is not fare. This took me a while and I still struggle, but it has been the only way to survive.

Christy516 posted 5/12/2014 19:11 PM

Thank you all for your support. Today was better, maybe just because i shared the "crazy" going on inside my head, lol. I am going to try the "change the subject" approach as well as try to focus on something good when i am overwhelmed with my thoughts.

Also morethantrying - you've given me something to think about, wondering if i am getting something out of dwelling on it. For me I'm not sure that i feel sorry for myself but i think i feel more in control of the situation. Which is an illusion of course. One thing i have learned is i had no control then over the A and i certainly have no control now. At least i thought I learned it

Marathonmumof4 posted 5/13/2014 19:17 PM

On 15th May last year my husband was taking my friend away to celebrate her birthday. This will be one year on tomorrow. I know it will be a hard day but I try and focus on the here and now not looking back. Easier said than done I know.. We will see how it goes

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