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Is it common for them to get together over and over?

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starmoonchild posted 5/12/2014 01:56 AM

How common is it for the WS and the OW to get back together? How many times will it happen? Can it be endless? Do these people continue to need each other? Does anything make them stop?

Ostrich80 posted 5/12/2014 02:18 AM

I can only give you what I know from my experience. There have been times since our first DD way back in Oct '09, that my ws has not had contact but they didn't last long. Right after DD, I could tell he was NC, and.I could feel when he started in with ow again. This has been going for at least 7 yrs, prob more. He won't cut her loose. He's married to me but I'm afraid hes got some attachment to her that he won't let go.of. I suspect even if he were physically NC, he would still be with her in his mind and heart.

trumanshow posted 5/12/2014 07:38 AM

they're still sneaking around 6 years now…but I've removed myself from the equation

Williesmom posted 5/12/2014 07:42 AM

My Wxh says that he went back with her 2 years after the first DDay, but I suspect that they never stopped.

Are they still messing around? Who knows, but judging from her pinterest, she is not NC with him.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/12/2014 07:55 AM

When I realized my WW was not "over" the MOM and was craving contact from him, I said "I'm done." Then we separated and within the day she and him got back together, that's when I said it was time for D. Good riddance. She doesn't deserve me. I didn't deserve that. It was torturous. I couldn't do the multiple d-days over and over. It was too taxing on me and made me see my WW for who she really is. They would have never stopped their relationship. It would have been there in one way or another. Now that we are over, it is all just business.

tushnurse posted 5/12/2014 08:01 AM

Mine kept breaking NC until I handed my rings, and took R as an option off the table.
Oh yeah, I kicked him out too.

That was the day it really truly ended. Until then the consequence for his actions were not enough to make them stop.

After this, everytime ow reached out to him, he told me. About 3 months later he told her that it was enough. If she contacted him again, he would out it to her spouse, her boss, and her board, she was an attorney.....Yah a D attorney, so a history of seducing, and manipulating married men who are considering D, would not look good for her.

Dreamboat posted 5/12/2014 08:14 AM

My X and his whore have broken up and gotten back together so many times that I can't even count it. They broke up and got back together several times during that first year of false R. I found out after the fact because they went underground. I swear, it is like high school with them

I always know when there is trouble in paradise because X come sniffing around me

2married2quit posted 5/12/2014 08:28 AM

My FWW and her OM (my ex-friend) couldn't stop. Like a drug they were text, talk, call..etc. Wasn't till I threaten to tell his wife. She found out and all contact ceased. S.O.B. OM had no respect for me or his own wife, but once she knew, he knew his ass was on the line.

To this day he trolls facebook. He's friends on there with all her friends. And although she blocked him, when her friends post photos and she's in the picture, I know he sees them. That's how he keeps up with her. His wife on the other hand doesn't know this. WHY? IdK. You would think she was ask him to unfriend her friends on fb. I wish I could stop this. I don't want him looking at my wife AT ALL!! But I have zero control over this.

Neverwudaguessed posted 5/12/2014 08:33 AM

So, my husband was with the other woman when he was 17 and ended it when he was 18. His mother continued to have contact with her while he repeatedly fought with her to stop. These women fed each other information about him, how he was feeling, where he was going etc. She continued to stalk him, was the reason that several girls ended up not giving him a chance, and ultimately, he allowed things to start up again two more times in his 20's. Then he met up with me again after I had come home from college (we had been aquaintances when I was younger because I was friends with the OW at the time). I believed, as did he that they were completely over. It turned out that she had called him when she was having a baby. This was when we were married for two years. He did not tell me, but he also did not allow further contact.

Fast forward to a very stressful time in our marriage after the birth of our first child. She called again, and this time he continued contact, and had an affair for a couple of months, but I had NOT found out about it and he had ended it. She called again about 7 years later, but looked him up and got what she thought was his private work number. She got me, and when I answered she hung up. I told my husband and he left it alone, not following up with her. From time to time I had seen her various places, looking for my Husband, knowing from his mother all of the places that he/we frequented.

Then came the spring of 2013. My husband and I had been so busy with the kids, and so disconnected when he discovered that his father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. COINCIDENTALLY, she called him again. He continued the contact this time which resulted in a 7 week emotional affair and a week of physical affair.

We are now in MC and both of us are in IC. HE is working VERY hard on MANY difficult issues from his childhood with his narcissistic mother, and has fully explored the connection with the narcissistic OW. Now, after there is nothing left to explore regarding his relationship with her, no angle left to pursue, he is completely confident that the connection is completely broken, and understands the purpose she served in his life. We are only 8 months out, so I cannot tell you if all of the tremendous work that has been done will hold and stand the test of time, but I can tell you that without that effort and the result of it, there is no way that I could have been assured that the cycle has been broken, and of course there are NO guarantees after something like this, but at least in our case, I do not believe that there is a chance for the contact to cease forever unless there is a lot of exploration and work around the why's of things. Wish I could fast forward and share with you the result of all of our efforts, but that is where we stand today….

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 12:56 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

LA44 posted 5/12/2014 08:34 AM

Tushnurse has the right idea.

Don't leave it up to him, starmoonchild. Take R off the table. Put your foot down. You deserve MORE from your life.

Find your power. Take it back. It's in there.

deena04 posted 5/12/2014 09:15 AM

My situation was a one-time indiscretion, but when I found out I still said you contact her or anyone else, there are four doors in this house. Use one and make it a one-way trip! He had heard from her here and there and would respond "too busy" or such to avoid saying he didn't want to, thought it was a mistake, whatever...he didn't want her to tell me, so kept it brief and made excuses. I said even then he needed NC or get out! He hadn't seen her since the day it happened, but was too scared when she would email to just say go away because he thought she would call me or somehow find me. Pathetic!

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/12/2014 11:15 AM

Very, very rare is the cheater who actually cuts contact with their affair partner when they're caught.

It seems the clear majority of them (having read here on these boards for many many years) claim they've stopped the affair, but they haven't. They just find different ways to stay in touch and get much more diligent in their secrecy.

Lastly, just because you don't see any more texting activity on your cell bill and you don't see anymore email exchanges in his email account, don't be fooled into thinking they've cut contact. Only an imbecile would use those venues to keep in touch with their affair partner now that their betrayed spouse is monitoring these methods of communication.

Most just get 'burn' phones (pay as you go phones), or they create new free web-based email accounts that you don't know about, or start using some of the many free apps you can download for your iPhone/Smartphones. These apps allow you to text, chat, talk, video chat etc. etc. with anyone you want to communicate with - all within the app so it doesn't get recorded on your cell bill. It leaves no trace whatsoever.

I hate to say it, but it's painfully easy for them to keep in touch after D-Day, and most do.

Ostrich80 posted 5/12/2014 14:51 PM

Exactly what NA said ^^^^^^
My ws would never text her again because he knew.I would see. He found better ways to hide it. Now with his way to verify but I know by his behavior...he's faithful to his ow, just not his wife. The last thing.I saw in Feb was quickly changed to a new way. I think unless the ws sees what a POS the ow is and what a POS they are when their cheating, they will find ways to talk or whatever else

starmoonchild posted 5/12/2014 15:00 PM

What are some of these apps called, NeverAgain 2013? Need to know!

Alwaysacheater74 posted 5/12/2014 17:15 PM

Starmoonchild - iPhones can iMessage.... I believe it doesn't show up on ur bill, yahoo messenger, snapchat for pics. There are so many more I am sure.

Ostrich80 posted 5/12/2014 18:03 PM

My kids told me whatsapp is one of them. Almost every game on a phone has messaging available as well. My ws is always " playing games" on his phone. He's even had me beat someone he couldnt and.I wondered if it was really ow and he was getting some.kind.of sick thrill from it. These games don't have real names mist.of the time and a lot of them are linked to facebook.

fourever posted 5/12/2014 18:30 PM

I have to disagree with NeverAgain,
My fwh did cut it off immediately on DD. It was her that kept trying to continue contact.
He knew without question, that if he dared any contact, his next stop was the curb. No questions asked.

So, it does and can happen. It's called a reality check for playboy/girl. Works amazingly well, actually. But only if you mean it.

4everfaithful83 posted 5/12/2014 18:49 PM

I understand why you are asking this question, but no one can tell you what your WS will do.

My WBF never had contact with the OW after DDAY, but then again, their affair was only a little longer than a month long, and they only actually met in person 3 times. It was mostly texting.

If you read on SI you'll see that everyone's experience is different.

SpecialK posted 5/12/2014 21:39 PM

I honestly believe that my husband cut if off as soon as he was exposed. He says she blackmailed him into the affair and I must say, that if he was stupid enough to screw her then I can believe he was stupid enough to get blackmailed.
When I didn't roll over and play the victim, and publicly stated all her falsehoods and past legal issues (including a first husband who was arrested picking up a prostitute) she knew her gravy train had left and moved on... Would he re-start with her? I don't know, I would'nt put anything or anyone past him now.

Christy516 posted 5/12/2014 23:13 PM

My WH continued for 6 months after first DDay. I caught him 3 more times. It was only after i was truly done and he had to look at reality with her that he finally went NC. Evidently she was fine for fantasy land but not real life. I was done. He knew it. I do think that is the key. It doesn't always work but i think that's what seems to snap them out of it.

Having said that, its only been 4 months for us so I'm not saying it will last. But i finally have hope

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