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2married2quit posted 5/12/2014 07:57 AM

Well, I'm here to say that I was wrong. A initiated in May 2012 and it's been 2yrs. I did good the first couple of weeks of the month and didn't think about it much till this past Saturday. Boy did I trigger hard. Still trying to get back up. Hurts like a MOFO! I hate it. Definitely set us back. I can't help it. It's like a black cloud that pushes you down flat. A hole in your heart that you wish you could scream out or vomit, but it just stays there. Truth is said that you do not need water to feel like your drowning. It's happening to me. I'm trying to get up as the week has started and I'm back at work. Today is suppose to be our anniversary of getting married. Oh well. Bad mother's day for my FWW.

Advice?

eachdayisvictory posted 5/12/2014 09:39 AM

You may or may not want to hear this, so if it's no good for you; ignore.

Have you ever considered what you said about drowning? I know EXACTLY what you feel and unquestionably felt that too. What took me back to myself (slowly over a long time) was my work in IC to realize that I was, in fact, not drowning at all. To realize that I had the power to choose to breathe, to be happy, to get out of the water.

Are you in therapy? I am still at 15 months, and I'm not sure when it will end - giving up on an 'ending' has been important in my healing.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously is to let myself feel sad instead of fighting against it or feeling like a failure all the time. It's not a failing, it's human. You are experiencing the pain of trauma because you are human! You are not alone, and you can feel better sometime if it's what you choose (intended to be hopeful, not a judgement on your feelings).

I'm stuck in sadness today, that's why I came here, to work it out, read about others going through the same thing, and hopefully move forward after I've honoured my shitty feelings as much as I feel like I need to. I'm going to start by having lunch right now in the staff room instead of by myself in front of the computer pretending to do work, but really cultivating my sadness.

You can do this, do what's right for you.

sisoon posted 5/12/2014 09:46 AM

I echo what eachday says in terms of advice. My own feelings at 2 years sound like they weren't as difficult as what you describe, but it was a tough period.

Roll with the pain, bro. I believe that feeling it releases it, so I also believe the worse you feel now, the better you'll feel sometime in the future.

(((2m2q)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:47 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

bytheboard posted 5/12/2014 13:53 PM

Just really wanted to send some love and support your way. It is so hard to continue moving forward with such tremendous pain weighing on you. My husband and I just celebrated four years together and it was so hard to push aside the pain of all the lies starting even from the moment we met, but we did get through it. I really relate to the feelings you described here and I am wishing peace for you as you find your way through this.

2married2quit posted 5/15/2014 11:04 AM

Thanks guys. I'm struggling. Feeling VERY sad and depressed. Every day this month has something attached to it.

Mom-of-4 posted 5/15/2014 11:23 AM

Hi. I'm 4 1/2 years out. This time of year usually catches me by surprise. It's like my subconscious brain remembers and that black cloud you were talking about suddenly appears over my head. I have 2 toddlers at home and 3 at school. The toddlers and I are having a "lazy day". Which means, mommy doesn't want to be around anyone, or talk on the phone, or see or talk to WH. I just need a break from the emotional turmoil and pain. I have been angry for days, but today I am just tired. Today is my WH birthday, and for the 1st time ever I just don't care. I bought a bday card for the kids to give him. I bought my card a while back. It was on a "good day" that I bought it and I still had a hard time finding the right card. You know, one that doesn't say, "you have always been faithful; there is no man I respect more; i would do it all over again; i'm happier now than I have ever been; I can't imagine life without you" blah blah blah. I actually caught myself saying out loud "yeah right" after reading one card. I never thought I would ever be dealing with an affair. NEVER! I think I will pass on a card this year.

BTW- this is the time of year when I found out I was pregnant with baby #4; I bought him a bunch of great looking clothes for his birthday- which must have really impressed OW- because they started there affair shortly after.

Restartting posted 5/15/2014 14:48 PM

Roll with the pain, bro. I believe that feeling it releases it, so I also believe the worse you feel now, the better you'll feel sometime in the future.

^^this. I also thought I was past triggering ....until this weekend. The whole past week is filled with some tough dates, and honestly, I thought I was past it. I had a really tough time, but I rolled with it. Let myself cry, let myself feel the pain, FWH listened while I vented. And it sucked.

But, a few days later, I actually feel lighter. I think I dealt with some really deeply buried emotions (the most surprising of which was some serious anger at my former rug sweeping self)and that I was able to release them. I recognize it won't be the last trigger, but I think looking at it as a cathartic release of emotion can help.

[This message edited by Restartting at 2:48 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]