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Newest Member: Foolfernobody (61825)

User Topic: Dday Antiversary and Gps
♀ 38217
Member # 38217
Question  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I consider us to be in R, but I do occasionally check my FWH's whereabouts using a GPS program. FWH knows I have this and check it.

I recently had a chance to look at his activities and I realized that on the day before, the day of, and the day after our 2 year Dday Antiversary (discovery of OW#4), he went three places that he had been intimate with OW#4 during their A. And the place he went on the actual Antiversary Day is the location where he has seen her in person the most since Dday (he says she has always left immediately when she sees him walk in the door).

I don't want to read too much into this, and he has gone to these places before the A ever started, and I don't want him to feel like he can't go there now (we lived here before his AP ever did, and I don't feel like she should be dictating where we do/do not go), but I'm curious if this is something I should ask him about. Could he have been trying to exorcise some demons? He knows I can see this information, so he clearly wasn't trying to hide anything, but just wondering if other WS revisit the "scene of the crimes" around Antiversaries. Thanks for your thoughts!

Me (BW): 40's, WH: 40's
M: 17 yrs, 2 kids (teens)
DDay: multiple DDays and OW (2009-2012)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would bring it up and ask. See the reaction and go from there. If denial happens, you could know more exists, but if your spouse tells you a valid reason for it, you'll at least have cleared it up. Best wishes!!

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2224 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He visited three places he was intimate with ow#4? I am not sure why it ok for him to go to these places. .... no matter who lived there first.

I would be concerned that he was reminiscing. .... and I would definitely ask him.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 30434
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could it have been a test to see if you are checking the GPS?

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 1527 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
♀ 38217
Member # 38217
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses - sorry I'm a bit late getting back to my thread.

KH: When I decided to R with my FWH, I chose to let go of any triggers/hang ups related to where he conducted his A's. We live in a small town, and although we have done a lot to eliminate the big ones (moved to a new house, he changed jobs, etc.), there are only so many places to go. We also have two teens, and I didn't want them to have a lot of negative associations to places they go too, and if all of a sudden he wasn't going certain places, they would figure out they were related to his A's.

SL: I think you may be right - he may want to know how closely I monitor his whereabouts, and how I will react to seeing this type of thing. He will have a good reason for being in each place, I'm sure - like I said, he has gone to these places for years, but I wonder how he would explain the timing.

GAH! I always told him an A was a deal breaker for me, but when I was faced with the reality of it, I realized not getting a divorce was more important to me. Is there any point in discussing it with him, as I have already forgiven much, much more than this?

Me (BW): 40's, WH: 40's
M: 17 yrs, 2 kids (teens)
DDay: multiple DDays and OW (2009-2012)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any point in discussing it with him, as I have already forgiven much, much more than this?

I think there is a point in asking him about this to understand what he is doing and thinking, where he is in reconciliation. If he is reminiscing, he has at least broken mental or emotional no contact. That is a boundary around my marriage that I have set up. It may not be one for you. You know the answer to that; i do not. But in the M that I want to have and am working with my WH to build, there is no room for the AP.

Take care of yourself.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 38217
Member # 38217
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: so I let this issue go for a bit, as another significant "A" date with OW4 was coming up. A few days after it had passed, I checked his whereabouts and I saw the same pattern - he visited 3 places he told me they had been intimate during the A.

So last night I asked him about it. Calmly. He seemed surprised with the conclusion I had drawn - and said that he had never attached any significance to dates or locations, and if he was at certain places on those days, it was just a coincidence, and I know these are places he visits somewhat regularly and I've never questioned him about it before. He said he was sorry he triggered me, but he just didn't see how a location or a date would be important, when the big issue of his infidelity was really the problem.

I asked him why he never mentioned this when I had insisted on selling our house and moving, and he said he understood that trigger because he had brought several OW into our home and our bed, and one was still a neighbor.

So here is my dilemma - we have our own version of NC, due to our situation (really small town, kids are friends with OW #2&3 kids, lots of mutual friends/coworkers with OW's). Should I overlook these coincidences as just another NC exception, or do I need to dig deeper? Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Me (BW): 40's, WH: 40's
M: 17 yrs, 2 kids (teens)
DDay: multiple DDays and OW (2009-2012)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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