I recently had a chance to look at his activities and I realized that on the day before, the day of, and the day after our 2 year Dday Antiversary (discovery of OW#4), he went three places that he had been intimate with OW#4 during their A. And the place he went on the actual Antiversary Day is the location where he has seen her in person the most since Dday (he says she has always left immediately when she sees him walk in the door).
I don't want to read too much into this, and he has gone to these places before the A ever started, and I don't want him to feel like he can't go there now (we lived here before his AP ever did, and I don't feel like she should be dictating where we do/do not go), but I'm curious if this is something I should ask him about. Could he have been trying to exorcise some demons? He knows I can see this information, so he clearly wasn't trying to hide anything, but just wondering if other WS revisit the "scene of the crimes" around Antiversaries. Thanks for your thoughts!
I would be concerned that he was reminiscing. .... and I would definitely ask him.
KH: When I decided to R with my FWH, I chose to let go of any triggers/hang ups related to where he conducted his A's. We live in a small town, and although we have done a lot to eliminate the big ones (moved to a new house, he changed jobs, etc.), there are only so many places to go. We also have two teens, and I didn't want them to have a lot of negative associations to places they go too, and if all of a sudden he wasn't going certain places, they would figure out they were related to his A's.
SL: I think you may be right - he may want to know how closely I monitor his whereabouts, and how I will react to seeing this type of thing. He will have a good reason for being in each place, I'm sure - like I said, he has gone to these places for years, but I wonder how he would explain the timing.
GAH! I always told him an A was a deal breaker for me, but when I was faced with the reality of it, I realized not getting a divorce was more important to me. Is there any point in discussing it with him, as I have already forgiven much, much more than this?
Is there any point in discussing it with him, as I have already forgiven much, much more than this?
I think there is a point in asking him about this to understand what he is doing and thinking, where he is in reconciliation. If he is reminiscing, he has at least broken mental or emotional no contact. That is a boundary around my marriage that I have set up. It may not be one for you. You know the answer to that; i do not. But in the M that I want to have and am working with my WH to build, there is no room for the AP.
Take care of yourself.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
So last night I asked him about it. Calmly. He seemed surprised with the conclusion I had drawn - and said that he had never attached any significance to dates or locations, and if he was at certain places on those days, it was just a coincidence, and I know these are places he visits somewhat regularly and I've never questioned him about it before. He said he was sorry he triggered me, but he just didn't see how a location or a date would be important, when the big issue of his infidelity was really the problem.
I asked him why he never mentioned this when I had insisted on selling our house and moving, and he said he understood that trigger because he had brought several OW into our home and our bed, and one was still a neighbor.
So here is my dilemma - we have our own version of NC, due to our situation (really small town, kids are friends with OW #2&3 kids, lots of mutual friends/coworkers with OW's). Should I overlook these coincidences as just another NC exception, or do I need to dig deeper? Thanks for reading if you made it this far!