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Friends Divorce - not I related

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Newlease posted 5/12/2014 10:11 AM

I have this wonderful group of friends who have formed an unrelated-by-blood family (I mostly like them better than my bio-family).

We do lots of things together - we vacation together every year as a group and then we break out for a guy's trip and a women's trip. Some have children and a couple of them are graduating from high school this month.

Anyway, one couple in our group who weren't officially married, but had been living together for 12 years, broke up last fall. It has been really hard for our little family to watch this because we love them both very much. The breakup was very ugly - lots of nastiness on both sides.

Now we know that no one knows what goes on in a relationship except the people who are in it. They were falling apart for a LONG time before we even knew - in public they put on a very good face.

They have both started dating new people, but we have only met the new girlfriend, briefly at a public event. We put out email invitations to the group when we are planning a get-together and we have been including both of them on these invitations.

The man is very upset about this. He insists that she has hurt him so badly that he can never be around her. He wants us to drop her. She has never made the same demand about him. He just wants her to go away, and gets very mad at us because we continue to include her.

He has even gone so far as to say he cannot do any of the men's only functions because he feels that leaves his new gf out of the loop and that she is "his life."

Periodically he comes at individuals in the group with his demand that we cut his ex out. Today it was one of the mother's that has a daughter graduating. She is vulnerable right now as this is her only child and needless to say, the confrontation didn't go well. They are both very angry.

On one hand, I understand his need to avoid her. On the other hand, his insistence that we drop her feels too much like grade school bullying.

Don't really know what I'm asking - just needed to put it out there to people who don't have an investment in the situation.


betrayedfriend posted 5/12/2014 10:50 AM

Honestly, that kind of shit would get him dropped from my group of family/ friends... She's not making demands but he is, shows that he's more concerned about the " ha ha they chose me" aspect than what the group wants. I'd tell him sweetly he doesn't get a say in who you personally hang out with and if he can't control his actions or behavior then you will not want to spend time with him. He needs to put on his big boy pants and suck it up.

Newlease posted 5/12/2014 11:18 AM

My SO says he understands this guy's need to not be in the same space with her. But I think he needs to work that out with her directly and quit putting us in the middle. If this is how some children of divorce feel, then I have sympathy for them.


little turtle posted 5/12/2014 11:22 AM

I think you should drop him from the group. He can't force people to stop being friends with someone. There's no reason he can't attend the men's only activities.

Does he do his own events? He can choose to exclude his ex that way, but he can't tell you who to not invite to your events.

Any chance this is coming from his gf?

Newlease posted 5/12/2014 11:41 AM

I really don't know anything about his gf, other than she is a hospice nurse and he seems to be crazy about her. They started seeing each other very soon after the breakup. I think it might be a rebound relationship, but I really don't know.

SO & I have offered to have dinner with him and new gf - just the 4 of us, but he has turned us down. He says he can't be friends with anyone who is still friends with his X.


tushnurse posted 5/12/2014 11:59 AM

SO & I have offered to have dinner with him and new gf - just the 4 of us, but he has turned us down. He says he can't be friends with anyone who is still friends with his X.

His choice. Buh bye.

Seriously, that is really immature, ok I get not being around your former partner but to say I can't be friends with you because you are friends with her is F'd up.

He can either grow up, or find a whole new group of friends.

Sounds like he could use some therapy to figure out his anger issues.

Sad in AZ posted 5/12/2014 18:30 PM

Obviously, we don't know what happened to them, but I can't imagine a situation where I would allow someone to tell ME that I can't be friendly with their X. I can understand his wanting to bow out of the group, or at least be privy to the fact that his Xwife was coming to an event, but to tell you to cut her out is rude and obnoxious.

Even in my own situation, old friends have stayed friendly (or at least tried to stay friendly) with the X, and I have no problem with it. In the beginning, I would have been terribly hurt if they the OW but I think I'm over that.

Why are you trying to hard to placate him? He sounds like he has his head firmly up his ass.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:31 PM, May 12th, 2014 (Monday)]

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