"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Joanh posted 5/12/2014 10:15 AM

Last night my bh informed me he wants what we had and doesn't care if I leave

He is here cause he doesn't want our family broken

We are in a hotel with the kids. Suppose to be having a family vacation. His friend posted today he was getting divorced. That started the main slide. Then we went to the store where I was looking for the desk for the salon. I saw a hood that might work for exhaust. And it set him off. We have been arguing a lot over the temps. They are hard. And it's difficult sometimes to know where I want things and it drives him crazy. It also takes a while for me to process things. So when he suggests things. I don't usually understand right away and this whole building is a cluster frick

He thinks once it's done I'll tell him to get lost and me I know this so and the fact he hates doing it. Well everything I do is wrong. It's just a god dam mess

I don't know what to say don't know what to do

He tells me there are times when he doesn't want to touch and yet he still does cause he figures he has too. I understand. What I am not understanding is if this is how you feel and we have discussed this already and I said its I know why you feel that way. Why continue to do it? Yes he's afraid I'll leave if he doesn't treat me nice

He expects everything to be better. He's freaked out too cause we happen to be arguing about normal stuff and doesn't want to go back to that.

He doesn't know what he needs he just want it back how we were before and why does he have to do the work

And at the same time doesn't want me to bring it up doesn't want to talk

Mad if if I give him space. I'm being a bitch. If I try and be around him he has problem breathing and I think I'm intruding cause he doesn't want to touch me.

I want to hold him and try and tell him how sorry and try and reassure him. And try to let h know he will be safe

I offered to do a post nup. He doesn't want that. Cause what kind of marriage is that.

I think this is a deal breaker for him. He just hasn't gotten there

I'm not stopping trying to save this marriage. And the same time I do realize the reality is this is a equitable consequence of my cheating

I want to be here. There was another post on a forum where they talked about WS realizing they want to be not need to be.

I realized that about 3 months out. I also realized that at that time no matter what happened to me in the past. Who what where etc BH to family. I am responsible for how I react. No one else.

I really would love to blame my BH. It would be truly easier to deal with internally. I look at him and see how hard he struggles all the struggle in balancing his feelings and those around him.

And so proud to have him by my side And feel for him cause he doesn't have that

Anyways. Just looking for some ideas some support. We have another 24 hours till we get home. And right now he's driving around the city while the kids and I are at the pool

BrokenButTrying posted 5/12/2014 10:39 AM

(((((((Joanh)))))))))))

I can so relate to this! My post about BH wanting a time machine, he's in exactly the same place. It is unbelievably shitty and I really feel for you and your BH.

I have no advice apart from that which was given to me on my thread.

Sending a whole bunch of strength your way.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:39 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

floridaredman posted 5/12/2014 10:47 AM

It is going to be how you handle this that is going to get him to really want to be there and not need to be there.

Your kindness, your empathy, your understanding, that is what is going to help him make the decision to stay or go. Don't get me wrong, you can do everything right and he still leaves, but you keep doing what's right anyway.

Right now nothing you do will be right to him because he's hurting. Men, generally speaking, do not deal with emotional situations all that well.

Infidelity is an emotional overload. Your bh is processing the betrayal every day, from hour to hour. Any other situations that cause tension will be magnified. Be patient with him.

I want to hold him and try and tell him how sorry and try and reassure him. And try to let h know he will be safe

Then do it

He wants that too, but you have to continue to prove that you are the joanh who would not betray him again. The joanh] who won't take him for granted, the joanh who will give him respect, even when he's not around.

You both are stressing and I believe he wants to be the hero, the one who keeps the marriage going, but he's just too hurt. Right now you need to just keep doing what you're doing and be his hero so he can stop seeing you as the villain. It's going to be a long process.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 10:51 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

Joanh posted 5/14/2014 09:51 AM

thanks for your replies, we made it home last night . In each others company and still together, Its a process and we made it through again. I am glad he was feeling actually safe enough to vent , if that makes sense. Considering it was mothers day and he was trying so hard not to get upset and its our family trip with the kids trying to do fun family things and he spirals down.:-(

Its so hard to know if I should tell him my thoughts in trying to reassure, or to just stay quiet. He doesn't ever want to actually talk about it its more a release of thoughts and anger, then he doesn't want to be reminded He not interested in anything I've learnt or why or how, he asks but doesn't want to listen, yes there is no excuse , however there still is reason why and how, an understanding. Its like rhetorical question but doesn't want to hear, like he says he has never kept anyone in his life if they have hurt them he throws them away, and yet here he has kept me and is trying so hard and he just wants what we had back,

He also said he was afraid we were getting back to normal, with these renos we were like everyother couple I know and our selves husband and wife fights. He expects me to be perfect not to get upset not to get angry not to be a bitch as he puts or a c*nt .

Reality is , I get tired some days, and I still keep things going, at what point does a person be fake and be real. I faked happiness before and didn't show how I really felt, now I am expected to do it. How does that make him safe? or me? I think we need to sit a talk a few of these things out, but he's in a bit of a manic, overwhelmed thought process right now, he has so many things to get done around here before he has to goto work, and he works away, and yet to leave this probably isn't good either since communication is our downfall.

Mind you he has been like that our holemarriage, sometimes I think he forgets the way he is , if that makes sense, he doesn't see reality yet, I think and feel. And still will not read , talk or see any type of consellor.

He has had anger issues all his life he has to take anger management course for his job, . I have no idea how to help him. except keep repeating how I love him and I am sorry for the damage I have inflicted on him, and let him know the provilidge it is still to be here.

And in the next breath he planning our future. I know why its called a rollercoaster neither of us know what the next hour will be. :-( and I made a troubled relationship worse pushed it to the brink of no recovery and standing with a thread and no way to make it stronger, cause he has no idea what he needs still 18 months out.:-(

remorsefulww posted 5/14/2014 12:52 PM

He also said he was afraid we were getting back to normal, with these renos we were like everyother couple I know and our selves husband and wife fights. He expects me to be perfect not to get upset not to get angry not to be a bitch as he puts or a c*nt .

I want to adress this because this is something that BH has said to me.

Back to normal is the same repeating arguments and events that led to the same argument you always have. You both have to work harder at breaking that cycle and look 10 steps ahead to prevent those fights. I dont think he expects you to be perfect I think that is how you're seeing it. I thought the same thing too and even voiced it. What BH said to me is that I wasnt trying hard enough and keeping my end of the deal in proving to him that I was sorry. He knows that not everyone is perfect, but all he asked for is that i try and do the the things i promised.I was falling back into old patterns. At that monent I realized he was right and started to look at it from his perspective.

I started by thinking everything through and how would bh react, I stepped up and did the things that were needed, I put him first.

[This message edited by remorsefulww at 12:53 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

remorsefulww posted 5/14/2014 12:53 PM

No matter what I still cant quote.