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I hate what this has done to me

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emptiness2014 posted 5/12/2014 10:26 AM

The one person I trusted completely, and loved unconditionally, is the same person who betrayed me, multiple times, and clearly didn't love me back (at least not for the last few years).

While I was so sick during my second pregnancy that I had to take medication, and had to wear a special brace due to the pain of my hips dislocating, and while taking care of a 2.5 year old....and going to bed alone almost every night, he was online getting his fun on. Eventually, 3 years later it leads to in-person infidelities.

When I discovered everything, it broke my heart to pieces. I had never felt pain and anger like that in my life. How easily he could lie to me.

And what's worse, is I now don't trust anything or know who to trust. The other day I was driving to get the kids from daycare and saw my Dad driving somewhere uncommon for the time of day and I instantly got suspicious. Of my DAD. Turned out he was picking up a hearing aid battery for his sick sister, who lives in a home near by, and my Mom knew....but damn, now I am suspicious of everything. And I hate that about me. It's not a pleasant way to be.

Then STBXWH's pay didn't come through at the normal time on Friday (we are in-house separated and haven't separated finances yet). I asked him if he'd been fired and not told me, or if he'd changed banking information and not told me. He said no, why would he do that and not tell me? I just looked at him like "really?!?". It was in front of the kids, so I couldn't say what I was really thinking, which was "really?!? You've been lying to me/hiding things from me for years, apparently with great ease, and things that were much bigger deals, so why wouldn't you lie about this stuff?" I now believe everything he tells me is a lie. And I hate that this has changed me in such a way. I am now cynical and not trusting.

No chance for R, so it doesn't really matter. But I would love full disclosure and timeline etc just so I could have all the pieces and move on. He starts IC today, so maybe she will explain to him how important it is for him to tell me everything.

We initially wanted to remain friends.....but every time I find more stuff, I feel that possibility slipping further and further away. And he seems like a stranger to me.....I am not sure, other than the kids, that we would have anything to base a friendship on anymore. After 14 years together, I have no idea who he is.

[This message edited by emptiness2014 at 10:27 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

deena posted 5/12/2014 11:07 AM

I am so sorry for what has happened to you.
You are in a good place here.
People here understand exactly how you feel.

I know how you feel about not liking the person you have become, I don't trust either. I don't even know if I can love again ever. I just feel numb.

But I have learned that this is normal. Your mind shields you from more pain.

I too am in house separation. My WH has hid things from me financially.

I tried to stay together or maybe I was just not strong enough after D-Day. D-Day for me was mid Dec. 2009.

I am just now going to a lawyer to get divorce separation proceedings started. It took me this long to get the courage

See a lawyer....protect yourself.
Come here often even to just vent.
Try to eat (smoothies worked for me at the start )
Drink lots.
Talk to a friend or family member if you feel comfortable doing so, or see a counsellor.
And let yourself relax and give into self pity. There are a lot of pity party posts here on SI. It does help

Take care of you.

HUGS ((((((((emptiness2014))))))))))

GingerAle posted 5/12/2014 11:13 AM

We initially wanted to remain friends.....but every time I find more stuff, I feel that possibility slipping further and further away. And he seems like a stranger to me.....I am not sure, other than the kids, that we would have anything to base a friendship on anymore. After 14 years together, I have no idea who he is.

I really hear you, emptiness2014. The more I learn about my STBXWH, the yuck factor just rises. I know the first EA I found out about in 2010 wasn't really the first. He has been living a double life the entire 17 years of our marriage. It is so unnerving to think you've been married to a stranger. I'm so sorry.


emptiness2014 posted 5/12/2014 11:13 AM

Thanks Deena.

My family knows, and a few friends know. They have been amazingly supportive. But it's still hard. I have been in therapy, but don't feel like this therapist has enough experience in my particular situation (a gay spouse!), so am in the process of switching.

I couldn't eat or drink (just tea) for the first week or so. I lost quite a bit of weight (the only upside, because I am on weight watchers!), but now am gaining it back because I am an emotional eater. I am hoping to start kickboxing this week. So that should help.

No money for a lawyer, and in Canada there is no legal separation and can't file for divorce until separated for a year. You can draft your own separation agreement, which I have been working on. We have the kids' birthdays this month, so really not making any changes until after that. As he will live in his parents' house for a couple of years (due to debts and his amount for child support), his overnight visits will be here in the house. So we are working on renovating a room in the basement (partially finished, needs to be cleaned out and finished) to use a guest room/his bedroom for those visits. I need some nights off with two small kids.

Gemini71 posted 5/12/2014 11:17 AM

Friends don't cheat on you and they don't lie to you, so just get that idea out of your head. The hardest thing is to stop expecting your STBXWH to behave like the H you thought you knew. And remember he changed the relationship, not you. I can't imagine how hard it must be living in the same home. It still jars me to see my STBX looking like the H I knew, when in reality it's his evil twin.

My STBX and I are at the 'cordial coworker' stage. It's about as 'friendly' as we'll ever be.

ET(stupid typos)

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 11:20 AM, May 12th (Monday)]

emptiness2014 posted 5/12/2014 12:10 PM

Gemini - I know friends don't behave this way either. But it is important to me that we, someday, are able to be around each other - at the very least for the kids' sakes. I refuse to not have my kids with me on Christmas morning etc, so if the only way to make that possible is to build some other form of relationship with him, then I will.

I do know a few people who were able to eventually be friends with each other.

Not sure how......this is all such a mess.

norabird posted 5/12/2014 15:38 PM


You have been heard. It's so hard. But your trust of others will bounce back, if slightly changed. Life goes on, strangely at first, and then eventually more naturally.

deena posted 5/12/2014 20:03 PM

emptiness I am glad you are drafting your own separation agreement at least. I am from Canada also so I understand about the separation/divorce laws.

I am applying for divorce so it gives me the option later and I won't have to pay if I decide to divorce later. It gets costly if you just go for separation now without applying for divorce and decide to start divorce proceedings later. You do not have to take the divorce route, but at least it is there if you decide to go that way. At least that is what my lawyer is advising. Not sure why it is like that.

You don't have to remain "friends" as long as you are just cordial and show respect for each other at least for the sake of the kids. I hope it is that way with my WH when he does receive the papers. It is less of a strain on the kids.

Take care of your self emptiness. You will need your strength.

emptiness2014 posted 5/12/2014 20:51 PM

Thanks Deena. It's probably cheaper for the lawyer fees to do it all at once, because they are drafting it all once. The actual filing cost doesn't change, and our separation agreement will form.the basis for the divorce terms.

Thing is, I can't imagine him not in my life. And I refuse to give up holidays with my kids. I had hoped we would remain.friends. but this whole experience has changed me in ways I didn't expect. And I see him changing. So who knows if there will be anything to base a friendship on.

Deena, what area of Canada? Wonder if we are close.

Strangefacade posted 5/12/2014 21:11 PM

Im sorry you are going through this. I too feel so suspicious and jaded. Every man I see, i think, "who's he getting on the side?"
I'm so so sorry.

yestopants posted 5/12/2014 21:49 PM

I am very jaded and untrusting as well. The whole world gets turned upside down nothing you thought you knew seems to make sense. Take care of yourself and your kids. I used to wonder how people could not be friends at least for the sake of their children. In my situation being friends just means being taken advantage of. I think in our M my kindness and friendship was taken advantage of and now through separation it has been no different, worse actually. I am at a point where I no longer want that type of friend.

deena posted 5/12/2014 22:18 PM

I might not be a good person for you to talk to anymore if you are hoping to maybe R I have become too jaded towards my WH. I had hopes before but not anymore.

Sending you a pm for Canada province

emptiness2014 posted 5/13/2014 09:54 AM


R is not an option for us - my husband is gay. :(

BeHappyAgain posted 5/13/2014 11:09 AM

Hugs emptiness2014. I can really relate to your story; his "issues" during my pregnancy, being suspicious of everyone, thinking we could remain "friends," small children at home, you name it.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you want to talk.

emptiness2014 posted 5/13/2014 22:15 PM

Thanks BeHappyAgain.

I just keep finding more and more....and the create my own timeline and it just bewilders me. How did I ever not see him slipping away from me? Why did he have a second child with me? How could he be doing this to me?

emptiness2014 posted 5/13/2014 22:18 PM

It is so unnerving to think you've been married to a stranger. I'm so sorry.

So true! How could I have been so incredibly wrong about him?

emptiness2014 posted 5/13/2014 22:30 PM

BeHappy - just read your profile story. Wow. A lot of similarities, but my stbxwh's physical/in person stuff didn't start until recently. The online crap - webcams, picture sharing etc is unreal.

I can't PM you yet.....only have ~30 posts so far.

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