But I can't find anything on the "180" that so many people have told me about. I looked in The Healing Library and some of the other links on the side-bar and it wasn't there. I really, once again, appreciate your help. Thanks!!
Like asking about his whereabouts? You absolutely want to do that if you are in R, meaning he is giving you FULL transparency of his whereabouts, cell phone, GPS, email, etc.
It says in the 180 to not ask his whereabouts, and that is what you would do if he is NOT being remorseful and you don't think he is dedicated. I definitely recommend learning the 180 so you can implement it as soon as you need to protect yourself. Keep your eyes wide open, and don't let him gaslight you or manipulate you. If he starts being disrespectful or blaming you at all for his affair, you 180.
IMHO - if they don't volunteer that stuff then they are not working to build trust. They have to demonstrate the work/action and if you have to say something, I consider that red flag. If they ask you, that's different.
Hopefully, your WH will offer up a lot of this information without you having to request it. Hopefully, you guys can work at it and become one of the lucky few that are able to fully R.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
Both LastSamarai and DepressedDaddy said not to ask about his whereabouts. That's a tough one. Would that extend to his cell phone conversations? That is how his A started. For a few months, WH and OW wrote each other enticing texts so that when they finally were able to get together (she lives in another state that he travels to on business), their physical connection was electric. He texted her so often, that on my last birthday, all through dinner at a romantic restaurant, he was arguing with her about why he wasn't breaking up with me that night as she had demanded he do. Yup, he confessed that to me after their affair was discovered. On that fateful birthday, he kept telling me he was trying to solve a serious work issue. Now, whenever he clicks a conversation off when I glance over at his phone, I ask (nicely) who he was talking to. And he shows me. Every time. And it is always harmless - always a guy friend. Should I stop doing this? Please advise....
Both LastSamarai and DepressedDaddy said not to ask about his whereabouts
I would say that if he is remorseful and is committing to you, he should offer up anything you ask from him. If you feel you need to see his text records, conversation history, emails and anything else you need to make yourself feel better, go for it. There will come a time, where you will start to ween yourself off of those things, but if you feel your heart is needing that right now, go for it. However, differentiate that need for it now, with pain/punishment fishing. Don't go looking for things just to hurt yourself.
Now, whenever he clicks a conversation off when I glance over at his phone, I ask (nicely) who he was talking to.
This stuff started to drive me crazy. Every time my STBXWW would look at her phone, or a text alert came through, or she was calling someone, I became my own private investigator. I would also ask 1,001 questions.
With all this being said, if your WH is not remorseful, shows dishonesty, or is still interested in keeping up contact with the OW, then you need to do strict 180. You can be his "probation officer" for only so long...eventually he has to make the choice of following the rules of probation, or he violates probation. Either way, the choice is up to him no matter how much you intervene. It is a shitty feeling, I understand, but you can only do so much.
After getting access to his GPS, calls, texts, etc., I learned he took the affair underground by downloading a scrabble app and using the chat feature on there to communicate with her.. Of course that doesn't show up on the phone bill..
Seriously girl, LEARN THE 180. If you feel he's holding back, being defensive, being mean, not being honest, trying to manipulate you or make you feel crazy, DO THE 180, meaning turn yourself directly in the opposite direction of him and walk away.
He broke the marriage you had. It's gone, buh-bye. Now he has to work his ass off to get a new one with you if he wants it.
He's a stranger now, and start asking yourself if you would even date a guy like him.. You guys can't go back. You have to start over.
And please, be willing to 180 and walk away when you need to. Don't hold onto him being afraid to let go. All that tells him is that he is ALLOWED to disrespect you and you will STILL continue trying to work on the marriage. And F that girl! There's a new you in town, and he has to work his ass off if he wants you.
My WH who deceived me while I thought we were in R; who refused transparency and lied pathologically about the silliest things, (I told him it was time for D) now can't help but tell me where he was or what he was doing. And, that is because it's hitting him that I don't care enough to ask.
It almost sounds like a game when you first hear it, and I didn't want to play games. But, when you start doing 180 it actually takes any kind of game WS is playing away from them. And, now they are left with the truth of what happened. Don't get me wrong, he still tries to play it, but it's only been a week of 180 and the change in me is I'm stronger, and he's appearing to have a glimpse of reality.
I realize now 180 is to bring you back to you.