A phrase I always liked. Chin up princess, your tiara is falling.
When we experience pain, suffering, trauma, grief, heartbreak, or anything else that causes physical pain in our chest, I do something physical to address it. I have found for myself the more that I think about it, the more that I suffer.
Listen to your body. It knows you better than your mind. Keep strong and come here for comfort and support.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
My father took his own life when I was six.
I am so sorry for this pain.
I cannot begin to imagine what it did to you as a child to feel the abandonment and the loss of your father because of his actions.
Were you able to get IC for this?
I would say no, based on the rest of your post.
Do you think you could put aside the need to decide to R right now and possibly get some therapy for you?
The loss of your dad, the most important role model in a little girl's life, may be impacting your life and choices wrt the trauma you are going through.
I had similar issues (not suicide, but plenty of FOO). I found for me, gaining my strength and emotional health was the most important piece to my really healing.
You need to know you are worth being loved and people do not abandon those they love when things get difficult.
I promise you the feelings you have of being tormented by this decision will fade and eventually be replaced with the knowledge of what is right for you.
Please love yourself enough to heal.
You are good, you are worthy and you are love-able.
(((hugs)))
[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:46 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
Don't make any decisions until your heart and your head are in agreement.
My father took his own life when I was six. I've lived ever since trying to be good enough, perfect. Worthy of someone loving me.
My grandfather did this to my father as well, and I can tell you that my father is definitely deserving of the love and devotion of his wife, children, and grandchildren. He took me and my kids into his home when we lost our own do to STBX's fuckery. He is the role model I choose for my young boys.
My grandfather's suicide has still cast a shadow on my father's life. Dad has dealt with it by educating himself about depression and suicide. He spent 15 years volunteering for a Suicide Prevention Hotline. He has also had to deal with the suicides of a brother, sister, nephew, and my own stupid misguided attempt.
The point is that you are not alone and you are deserving of love. You were deeply wounded when your father died, and there are predators out there that are drawn to wounded people. Your WH sounds like one of these predators. The question should be, do you want him back.
ETA And to answer your question about what I do on a particularly tough day, I eat ice cream sundaes with my kids and my Dad.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013 Divorced 11/18/2014
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
