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onceacheater71 posted 5/12/2014 13:04 PM

I'm having a really terrible day. The kind where you can't stop crying. My father took his own life when I was six. I've lived ever since trying to be good enough, perfect. Worthy of someone loving me. My WH's affair solidified in my mind my theory that I'm not worthy of love. I feel eviscerated by his choice and actually tortured that he wants me back. What do you all do when you have a particularly tough day?

hopefulmother posted 5/12/2014 13:13 PM

Sorry you are feeling like this. You face it head on. You are in pain now, but you know it will not stay like this forever. There is always a break. Pray. Take a walk, enjoy the spring. If you don't do volunteer work...do it now. Find something you enjoy doing that will bring some happiness to someone else that deserves it. and of course, post here.

A phrase I always liked. Chin up princess, your tiara is falling.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/12/2014 14:00 PM

I physically massage my heart. I take my right hand and place it in the middle of my chest and move outward to the left. I do this for as much as a few hundred times.

When we experience pain, suffering, trauma, grief, heartbreak, or anything else that causes physical pain in our chest, I do something physical to address it. I have found for myself the more that I think about it, the more that I suffer.

Listen to your body. It knows you better than your mind. Keep strong and come here for comfort and support.

Alwaysacheater74 posted 5/12/2014 18:17 PM

I think you need to figure out why you feel tortured that he wants you back. If he wants to stay in the M and is making an effort - NC, no dating, respecting boundaries, etc. then you shouldn't feel unloved...you should feel the opposite. If however he is doing any of these, it may be time to make tough choices for your sanity and well being and find someone who will love you and only you as you are completely. You shouldn't have to live feeling unloved no matter what it means to your marriage or what occurred in your past. Don't let his happiness trump yours. Take it back.

karmahappens posted 5/12/2014 19:31 PM

My father took his own life when I was six.

I am so sorry for this pain.

I cannot begin to imagine what it did to you as a child to feel the abandonment and the loss of your father because of his actions.

Were you able to get IC for this?

I would say no, based on the rest of your post.

Do you think you could put aside the need to decide to R right now and possibly get some therapy for you?

The loss of your dad, the most important role model in a little girl's life, may be impacting your life and choices wrt the trauma you are going through.

I had similar issues (not suicide, but plenty of FOO). I found for me, gaining my strength and emotional health was the most important piece to my really healing.

You need to know you are worth being loved and people do not abandon those they love when things get difficult.

I promise you the feelings you have of being tormented by this decision will fade and eventually be replaced with the knowledge of what is right for you.

Please love yourself enough to heal.

You are good, you are worthy and you are love-able.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:46 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

SpecialK posted 5/12/2014 21:42 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this, here's a big "hug".

Don't make any decisions until your heart and your head are in agreement.

Gemini71 posted 5/12/2014 22:45 PM

My father took his own life when I was six. I've lived ever since trying to be good enough, perfect. Worthy of someone loving me.

My grandfather did this to my father as well, and I can tell you that my father is definitely deserving of the love and devotion of his wife, children, and grandchildren. He took me and my kids into his home when we lost our own do to STBX's fuckery. He is the role model I choose for my young boys.

My grandfather's suicide has still cast a shadow on my father's life. Dad has dealt with it by educating himself about depression and suicide. He spent 15 years volunteering for a Suicide Prevention Hotline. He has also had to deal with the suicides of a brother, sister, nephew, and my own stupid misguided attempt.

The point is that you are not alone and you are deserving of love. You were deeply wounded when your father died, and there are predators out there that are drawn to wounded people. Your WH sounds like one of these predators. The question should be, do you want him back.

ETA
And to answer your question about what I do on a particularly tough day, I eat ice cream sundaes with my kids and my Dad.