If any of you know my story I have a question? Can I fix this. I love him more than anything and I really screwed up. I was just bored and I never wanted my marriage to end. BH is so angry and hurt and it is all my fault. He is in Washington DC right now and isn't returning any of my messages. I know he is alright but I can't fix this if he won't talk to me.
Also, welcome to SI.
When you were caught e-mailing with your AP and then caught out at drinks with him, had you promised no contact?
Because you need to go nuclear now. No Contact. You need to tell the OM to disappear from your life. You need to do it in no uncertain terms. You need to make sure your BH has a copy of it.
It might be too late. However, that does not mean you shouldn't work your tail off. Go no contact. Get into counseling to fix you. Being bored? I don't buy it. Plenty of bored people don't cheat. And why meet with your AP after your BH already knew about your affair? Don't get me wrong, many of us (me included) have BTDT. You need to answer these questions for yourself and your BH.
But you deserve to do the work to figure out why. You deserve to do the work to be the type of person who won't do this in the future.
Getting rid of your AP from your life is the first step.
I know your husband's story quite well. I have been following it since day one.
After all you have been through to get Swat70 to give you a second chance, why would you risk it all to go meet the OM?
Do you realize that by doing that, you put the OM before your BH? Does the OM have that much control over you or was that meeting for "closure"
Really no such thing as closure with an AP, just acceptance that both of you were in the wrong for betrayal.
Can you fix this...Yes it's possible.
You have to start off by telling the whole truth.
NO MORE LIES Be honest Be transparent
NO MORE CONTACT WITH THE OM
Be vigilant in showing you are definitely ready to change
STOP BEING SELFISH (capitalized for emphasis, I'm not yelling ) This is not your pity party, this is Swat70's chance at healing.
You know how he can heal?
By you working on yourself and changing your ways that allowed you to give yourself permission to cheat.
Stop telling him you're sorry....show that you are
We are pulling for you, but you have to get your hands dirty and do the hard work. Swat70 deserves that from you.
Get some tough skin
My first suggestion is to read the healing library as well as the following:
Things that every WS needs to know. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=37775
How much does my BS hurt? http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446
The Life Boat: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101
An old member (floridaredman) here posted the following advice to help uncover your 'whys' - Its a good place to start. Be honest with yourself and keep digging.
Why Q's to help dig As far as your why's... Look back to instances when you gave yourself permission to do risky things when you were younger. What was the thought process that allowed you to binge drink or have risky sexual encounters. Was there a component of you rationalizing, "hey, why not"? Or a component of feeling trapped and doing something risky just to feel free? Was the flattery given by OM an avenue to unlock this risky side? Did you find him being attractive and you being attracted to him was another avenue for you to have something you knew you should not have (more risky behavior) I am sure there were times that you thought of your BH in short highlights when with the OM, Why would you let your pull to OM overshadow the vow you made to your BH? These are pointed and strong questions..I know..but these are some of the ones that may be good to look at. FRM 2/12/13
As far as your why's... Look back to instances when you gave yourself permission to do risky things when you were younger. What was the thought process that allowed you to binge drink or have risky sexual encounters. Was there a component of you rationalizing, "hey, why not"? Or a component of feeling trapped and doing something risky just to feel free? Was the flattery given by OM an avenue to unlock this risky side? Did you find him being attractive and you being attracted to him was another avenue for you to have something you knew you should not have (more risky behavior)
I am sure there were times that you thought of your BH in short highlights when with the OM, Why would you let your pull to OM overshadow the vow you made to your BH? These are pointed and strong questions..I know..but these are some of the ones that may be good to look at.
FRM 2/12/13
You asked is it to late? It might be and it might not. It is obvious how much your BH loves you and breaking NC has taken him back to DDay..
If SWAT decides its over, you still need to work on yourself - DONT GIVE UP! Do it for yourself and your kids. Yes you fucked up royally, but it is never to late to make sure it never happens again. It takes a lot of time - not a week, a month or even a year; it takes YEARS and honestly you never quit.
Hang around ~ good people here
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
I've been following your story through your BH's posts in JFO. I'm really glad you're here. It takes tremendous courage to come here and seek help, so well done on taking that first step.
I'm going to answer your question with another question...
Do you want to fix this?
If you do then you have a lot of work to do and it starts right now.
Swat is hurting, you have crushed him. Give him time and space to re-group. While he is finding his feet get busy sorting yourself out.
Are you in IC? If not, go! Figure out why you had the A. This is hard to do, it is painful and upsetting but necessary. You also need to figure out why you broke NC with the OM.
The only way to fix yourself and hopefully your marriage is to be completely honest, completely open, completely transparent. 2000% commitment and 2000% effort. Heal yourself, fix your broken. Actions not words.
I would give anything for the second chance you had. See the value in your family, in yourself. Work hard to heal and you will be ok, with or without Swat.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:32 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms
Order them on next day delivery and read them cover to cover, twice. Highlight bits that resonate with you or jump out.
Keep reading on the wayward forum here, keep posting. We are here, we will help you. We've all been where you are now, we can all relate and the members here are just the most amazing people I have ever had the privilege to meet and will give you fantastic advice. Listen to them.
SWAT leaving and not wanting me to go hurt a lot. OM continued sending me messages. SWAT would have OM arrested again, but I just wanted it all to go away. I buried my head in the sand. When SWAT left last week, I didn't plan on seeing him for close to 2 weeks. OM wanted to talk and was not giving up, so I caved in an agreed to meet him. My brother knew I was meeting him and agreed to keep an eye on things. I had no idea my husband would find out and I thought that I could get OM to leave us alone. We all grew up together and I really did think that I could get him to stop. I just wanted to protect SWAT. I get that it doesn't look that way, but it is the truth. I know how it looks, but it is the truth. I have ruined everything because I can't stand up for myself or my marriage. I DID NOT meet with him to spend any "quality time" with him. I agreed to see him to try to reason with him and get him out of our lives. My methods sucked but my intentions were good.
What happens next time he keeps perusing you?
And why in the world did you do this face-to-face?? A NC Letter would do the same thing
edited to add - block him!!
[This message edited by SandAway at 2:53 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
My methods sucked but my intentions were good.
No they were not...they were selfish
Did you agree with your BH not to contact OM anymore?
Whether you included your brother or not does not matter. Your agreement was not to contact OM with your BH.
Swat not including you in his trip hurt.. I know it did. What about his pain, What about his hurt?
You made this all about you.
OM should have been blocked Getting OM to stop is done easily
NO CONTACT.
A barking dog will eventually get tired if you ignore him long enough.
Are you still in contact with the OM?
I understand this mindset...I think most WS's do at one point or another. That's usually what gets us into the shit pile. What it really boils down to is super poor communication skills.
I think it would be very helpful for you to do a couple things.
First...write the OM a No Contact letter and have SWAT read it prior to you sending it off. You both need to be on the exact same page when making any sort of contact with the OM.
Second...I highly recommend you get a game plan in place for when the OM makes contact again. You need to know what to say, how to say it and get him away from you without any sort of hesitation. Practice it out...rehearse it and memorize it because in the end, if you slip up even in the slightest, your very patient and calm husband may just turn his back on you.
I'm glad you decided to post, I think that took a lot of courage
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
OM continued sending me messages. SWAT would have OM arrested again, but I just wanted it all to go away
Swat gets to call the shots on that one. Sorry.
Change your number, and your email address, if you have to in order to stop the contact. OM should have no question in his mind of a possible future. Responding, or caving, or any of that. I get it, I did it too. But it has to stop. My BH approved the NC letters I wrote before I sent them. He deserved to see me write it. I gave them to him to put in the mail once they were addressed.
Involving your brother in your meeting with OM makes him less safe for Swat now. You may not get to use him for support in the future. I only say this because that's where I am. My brother is not safe, he is not a friend of my marriage. My mother is not safe, she is not a friend of my marriage. KWIM?
You have to walk the straight and narrow.
Also, I agree with DS. You have shown great courage coming here and posting. Please keep coming here.
[This message edited by Wayflost at 3:12 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
I am in IC and I know how and why I cheated. I am a selfish person and I know SWAT loves me and the kids. I was bored, that is not a lie. My biggest issue is my ego and how people see me. I want everyone to like me and I have done some stupid things to get people to like me. After SWAT confronted me about the affair I did say somethings that were not 100% true. OM did play me a but, but I allowed it and maybe even encouraged it by listening to the thing he said. My husband is honest, loving and a gentle giant. I am embarassed to say he is really to good for me. That is not an exaggeration either. I've traded sex for affection before, it did not matter what they wanted. I would do it, because that showed me they care. SWAT loved me for me, not what I would to or for him.
I get that he could and is even likely to divorce me because of this. I am trying to fix my issues and I know that must come first. I just need someone to tell me he could forgive me.
Swat needs to see real and consistent changes from you. Even then forgiveness and R are not guaranteed. This break in NC and the second Dday you've given him might be a deal breaker for him.
That doesn't mean you give up though. You fight for your marriage and you work to change yourself.
I feel for you. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you believe Swat is too good for you. My BH is also too good for me. But that is one catalyst for me doing the work to change me. My BH shouldn't be too good for me. I should be good enough for him. KWIM? Ironically he tells me that he always thought I was good enough for him (if only I had known this, and believed it myself).
I also know how much it hurts when people do not tell you what you want to hear. I often come here looking for a kernel of hope. I am not very good at remembering this, but it's been said to me, and I will pass it on:
Remember that if he has not handed you papers for D, then there is hope. Remember that there are people who do R after D. There is a chance so long as you work hard, are consistent in action, and change so that you are safe.
"Life is fragile. We're not guaranteed a tomorrow so give it everything you've got." Tim Cook
[This message edited by Wayflost at 4:12 PM, May 12th (Monday)]
OM is nothing special. My affair started because I was selfish and SWAT was his usual perfect self. He was doing everything right, but we were kind of stuck in a rut. He was working a lot and when he was home, we were a family. I wanted a couple, I wanted excitement, romance and I'll be truthful hot, do anything sticky sex. Would SWAT have done that? Absolutely! Could I ask it of him? Not a chance, he might think I'm a slut, my husband is a good man and I never wanted him to see me in a bad light. I am a wife and mother.
OM is nothing like SWAT, and he would compliment me in a crude way and I ate it up. I didn't want to be called beautiful, I wanted "hot". I didn't want be be made love to, I needed to hear "I want to F you!"
Writing it out is painful. Please understand I know I messed up. I pretty much ruined my entire family and from day one wanted to fix this. But my inability to communicate with SWAT and my need to appear perfect to everyone keeps making me screw up.
I get how I messed up. SWAT should have always been the most important thing to me. But I didn't want to lose him so I hide things. I know it's wrong and SWAT feels betrayed again. I get being 100% honest and transparent, but it is very hard and it seemed like I was protecting him. I know it wasn't now.
Hang in there.
