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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: Somebody push me
♀ 39908
Member # 39908
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am terrified to go to a lawyer for a consultation. I mean it's like my body is frozen and I can't get up the nerve to go! I have been a SAHM for awhile and it's making it hard for me to find a job. So, I know that I won't be able to support myself if I do this.

I'm 50 years old and not even getting calls for job interviews. But I do know that I cannot live like this much longer. I no longer love my WS, who by the way is doing GREAT, he won't talk about his affair and pretends that he's just on top of the world!

I just had to ventů.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do it honey. Knowledge is power.

Look at it this way, seeing a lawyer for a consultation does NOT have to result in anything being set in stone. And it doesn't even have to cost you money. In fact, you should see many lawyers before you commit to one of them. So look at it as doing reconnaissance for yourself and your future so you can start making informed decisions..

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The consultation is just a talk. It doesn't mean you HAVE to file. You will just go and talk, and hear where you stand. What would happen if you do. What you can expect.

Do it. Give yourself the info you need to make a good decision for you. The consultation can't hurt. Maybe you not being able to find a job won't be as bad as you think. You can't know until you talk!

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5919 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please know as well that as a SAHM with no trained skills you could be awarded considerable support for many years (maybe evento retirement). Do no be afraid to have the consultation It is not as scary as u think. Plus until you nderstand your rights the only information you will have is your opinon (which presently has you frozen). You can do this. You don;t have to tell H and many L offer a free 1 hour consult (I went to 3 of them just to learn)>

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, was in your position at one time. Meeting with an attorney (who I did not hire) was a very good thing for me. Just taking action was a huge confidence-builder. I needed to have that information.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck, believe it or not, going to a lawyer will actually make you feel as though you've got some control over all this craziness. Someone whose on your side, and will look out for you.

As you're a SAHM, it's very possible that you'll be awarded alimony for a couple of years while you use that time to get back on your feet and find suitable employment. If you live in a fault state, it's also possible that you'll do much better in the settlement if you can prove infidelity, from what I've heard.

It's NOT all dire straights ahead for you.

Hell, my last few jobs have all resulted in mass layoffs when they downsized and one company even went out of business, so I've had to deal with job hunting quite a bit these last 10 years. Try not to date yourself too much in your resume (don't put the year you graduated, don't give your life's job history going all the way back to jobs you had in 1979, etc.) Just try not to call attention to your age because sadly enough, a lot of prospective employers DO practice ageism whether they want to admit to it or not. So try to keep the age thing off your resume.

Baby steps.

Got to a lawyer and find out what you can reasonably expect in the event of divorce. Spit shine your resume and remove the old history in it, and know that being paralyzed by fear is not attractive.

But a woman who knows where she's going and how she's going to get there is incredibly attractive.

Get to it, girl!

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most if us can relate to that fear. What pushed me was a reshuffle of my fears. I was more afraid of living like that for one more day than I was of my unknown future.

As terrible as things have been for me at times it is still a million times better than staying in that fraud do a marriage. Being lied to, disrespected, demoralised and cheated on. Not to mention being exposed to god knows what STDs he was bringing home from his whores.

Will life be hard? It might be. But at least you'll be living. You're not having much of a life now.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6000 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 39908
Member # 39908
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your support! I feel more empowered just reading your responses.

I sat down a few months ago and wrote down exactly how everything happened and the dates so I wouldn't forget the timeline, so I have that.

I also have the 1/2" thick phone bill I printed out the day I found out about the affair. And I hacked into his work computer the same day and printed the sickening emails they exchanged.

He had a secret cell phone that I found accidentally (in his tool box) and it had naked pics but I don't have that anymore. I broke it.

So, I can prove infidelity and that gives me confidence. Do I need to take all of that to a consultation?


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on where you live if all that matters.

What you could probable definitely use is any receipts where he spent money on her, which you could possibly get half of back..

I would suggest keeping all those records for you emotionally to remind you what happened and keep your resolve.

For the appointment, you want financial statements. If you haven't already, find EVERY important document you can find, make copies, and bring them to your lawyer. It's not about emotions anymore. It's a financial war...

ETA: There's probably plenty of websites telling you what documents you're gonna need for divorce, but just some examples: Birth Certificates, Marriage license, car titles, other asset titles, retirement statements, ALL credit card statements, savings/checking bank statements, any loans, car loans, mortgages, debts, assets, appraisals, paycheck stubs and W2s, etc.. Definitely find all this and make copies. I just made a couple jump drives for most of it and hid them in different places..

And it's not really that hard. Most companies now you can just go onto the website and download and save all the statements without every having to print. That's probably how the lawyer will want them anyway.. Paper copies cost money..

Dont get overwhelmed. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Oh, and I couldn't get my ex's true info until I subpoenaed the information through his employer. He refused having a pension plan until we went through his job and found out he was lying. Check his credit score too before you file and see what you find...

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 3:10 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♂ 43418
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, you asked:


Me: Former BH
Divorced Q2 2015
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.

Do no harm. But take no shit.

Posts: 1056 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
♀ 39908
Member # 39908
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody!


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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