Our story
I have been lurking on this site for 109 days and have finally decided to take the plunge and share my story as a BS in the hopes that I am able to gain some clarity as well as assist (hopefully!) the masses going through the same idiocy. We were a younger couple and were together for 2.5 years prior to D-day. No kids, no financial obligations, no reason to not completely start over except that I truly love the potential of her. That being said I will settle for NO LESS than the potential I fell in love with, one drop less and I will be gone.
Who I am
I am a business process analyst in charge of my company's process improvement initiative. I am extremely analytical and reason rules my world. I am excruciatingly detail oriented and my core values are Reason, Equity/Justice, Integrity above all else. I was raised in a very stable home where kindness and love were highly reinforced, but communication was not always the strongest as issues that caused conflict were generally swept under the rug. The other negative FOO I’ve discovered is I had external validation issues when entering the relationship which stem from perfectionism driven into me at a young age (lovingly), by my well-meaning SAHM.
Who she is
She is a bank manager who is capable of compassion where applicable. Nurturing tends to rule her world more than any other descriptor. She was raised in a completely broken home which included abuse (physical, mental, sexual), where her mother was engaging in affairs and eventually abandoned the family when she was really young never to be seen again. She was shuffled from house to house and in and out of foster care for most of her childhood.
Who he was
Zero fucks were given; they always affair down and this case is no different. He was a tool for her own broken coping mechanisms.
Affair Story
Without getting into the nitty gritty of it, a rough timetable of affair events goes as such. Towards the end of December her AP had been pursuing her for months and I had warned her about it since she was open to sharing any and all work stories (I later found out she always had a crush on him and her twisted curiosity set out to see if this was true). A few days prior to Christmas, she began to let the OM in emotionally and shared secretive texts with him unbeknownst to me. The day after Christmas she went to meet him for the first time and they shared their first kiss but nothing more. Three days later everything went completely physical and fully culminated. On New Year’s Eve, she made one small comment that sent alarm bells ringing and whereas before I was blindly trusting, I began to gather my thoughts and pursue the truth. On the third of January she met the OM and ended the physical aspect of the relationship stating she wanted to be with me (he had asked her to choose). On the 6th of January (DDay #1) I confronted her naively and she eventually admitted to an emotional affair, at the same time she claimed to go NC with the OM which I hadn’t specifically requested. However at this point things still did not add up in my mind and after much inner turmoil and thinking I requested further information. On the 23rd (DDay #2) she gave me full access to everything which allowed me to verify my worst fears, that the EA was in fact a PA. I calmly called her best friend and told her that my WGF would need a place to stay and asked if she could house her temporarily until my WGF could move out completely. Without getting any further details on the where/when/how many etc, we separated, and have been broken up since. Since then, I have dug and dug and dug to no avail and found nothing else. She TT’ed once to admit that a week into our relationship she slept with her ex, which although purely vile, was something I never would have considered to ask let alone been able to verify and demonstrated her commitment to moving forward with honesty, integrity and transparency.
Since D-Day #2
She currently lives in my house still, in a separate room, and is (from what I’ve read at least), about as remorseful as they come or the most skilled liar / manipulator ever witnessed. The following is a list of things (in no particular order) she has done on her own without me saying a word on what I needed:
• She changed her phone number that day to help ensure NC
• She searched for a new job ferociously to no avail. The moment a transfer became available, she seized it and will be starting at the new location at the end of this month. AP was a customer at the bank who she saw infrequently and always hid from.
She has been 100% transparent at all times about when her AP comes into the branch. In addition she has given me access to literally every facet of her life, prints off timecards, sends pictures of locations, installed GPS. I can literally account for every minute of her life since DDay#2 although this is not a role I wish to take on.
• She purchased the standard books and read (some of them). Now she spends most of her time on SI instead, posting, reading, note taking and discussing findings/posts.
• She has attempted communication on a level I have not ever seen from her (although there were a few trickle truths in the beginning, I believe I finally have the entire story of her emotional journey through the process)
• She began IC and has been deeply investigating the why as well as attempting to resolve her entire and tragic childhood which has always been swept under the rug (SLA, CSAB, Codependency, Abandonment, etc. etc. etc.). In addition she is attending CoDa meetings twice a week to supplement this counseling and is searching for SLA meetings to go to as well.
• She has written an exhaustive list of what she wants to heal about herself as well as me (although I'm sure more will come up as IC continues) and has implemented a Kanban board solution for tackling these things efficiently.
• She has paid for my IC as well which is a financial burden on her especially given her unsure financial future.
• She has openly and honestly apologized to her closest family (I did not disclose to them what occurred) as well as mine in addition to my best friend (really more like my brother).
• She has consistently affirmed (and actioned) that I am the one and she will make every sacrifice possible to rectify the choices she made and ensure that she stays miles away from the slippery slope forevermore.
• She continually tries to make me feel appreciated and loved by (including but not limited to) leaving thoughtful notes, surprising me with snack packs for work, communicating even the deepest darkest of her thoughts, following me to all my sporting events/massaging any aches I have afterwards, etc.
• She is very understanding of timeframes revolving around this and states that no matter how long it takes she is not going to give up or pressure me to make decisions or do any sort of R or MC before I am ready to (if I'm ever ready to which she knows).
• She owns the choices 100%, she even states that pre-affair she had no reason to stray and that she was blind and unappreciative (I’m no angel, and I realize that I indeed COULD have been a FAR better BF)
• She is pushing for hysterical bonding daily, multiple times a day, all day and she hungers to do anything else she can physically for me such as massaging any aches and pains (love language number 2 is physical touch, which is something she’s never hit on strongly).
She has offered and pushed for a polygraph (although at first she was against it). She continues to push for this almost daily as a way to prove there are no TT’s lurking. I will eventually do this but for now I’m sorting through the best questions to ask.
Next Steps:
I had set a rough timeline in my head of 1 year before any final decision while under the guise of in house separation and four months out this is getting tricky. In my mind if she quit before the year was up or slowed down her own self growth/change, then she was not a partner I wanted, and I could easily walk knowing that to be with her, would be settling for less than I desired. My initial plan was to climb my own mountain and find myself again which I believe I have done marvelously (albeit obtaining approximately 14 PhD’s in infidelity from reading ad nauseam). At this point I feel I am very far along the path of understanding the affair, understanding my role (or complete lack thereof), and understanding my self-worth (which I habitually tied up in my job/girlfriend/family/friends/whatever due to my perfectionist nature). In addition I have had grieved the loss of innocence, the loss of dreams, and the loss of stability/safety which I had always naively taken for granted. Currently I sit in limbo as I believe 4 months do not show a changed person worthy of R, not even remotely; however limbo is murder for me, it is sucking the life out of me. I am an extremely decisive person and waiting 8 months is about the opposite of the way I’d handle any other major life issue. This is something I will eventually have to overcome and find an acceptable compromise within myself to.
Current Questions
Question 1: With the back story out of the way, I’ve got a pretty specific question and would love to hear all opinions/viewpoints on this. Since DDay#2 she has been excruciatingly transparent except for last night. While we were out with some friends she suddenly became upset and started furiously texting someone. At the time I quickly glanced over and she hid her phone. I decided rather than make a large scene I would wait until we were alone to see what was actually up. This ate away at me as it was a red flag and definitively affair behavior. Once we had a moment alone I explained this, and she immediately regretted what she had done, handed me her phone (which I was able to verify as “clean” e.g. no emails sent, no texts, no secret apps installed/deleted, only harmless venting to her friend about the conversation at the table). So in the end while I know that there is no secret affair going on, the behavior triggered me for the last 15 minutes we were out with friends until we had a moment to clear it up. Is this standard? How would you handle this?
Question 2: I do not want to play watch dog for life, those are shackles I refuse to wear and a prison I refuse to be a part of. I had considered the possibility of a yearly polygraph consisting of one question and one question alone, “have you had any physical or emotional affairs since January 23, 2014). I feel this would enable me to release the outcome which forces me to be a watchdog, let her know once and for all that she WILL be caught if ever this happens again, and give us a chance to rebuild a measure of trust. Fail once and no questions asked I walk away. This is a brief overview of my thoughts on the question posed but I’d be curious as to anyone else’s experiences.
Any additional thoughts/advice would be very welcome, and I am exceedingly thankful for the “club” we never wished to join so to speak. The collective wisdom here is/has been truly a lifesaver.