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Stupid Stretch (yes, it is a rant)

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caregiver9000 posted 5/12/2014 18:30 PM

Stupid stupid stupid STRETCH. He decided to mess with me, (I guess) and tell me and the boys that there was a soccer game tonight, but that he would not be there, since he has surgery.

Me: what time is the game.
Him: I won't be there. Somebody is going to cover for me. Since I have surgery...
Me: wait. wait. wait. WHAT time???
Him: 5:30. I might not make it though. I have surgery.
THREE times "surgery" surgery... why won't you ask me about my surgery??? All of this in texts last night.
Me: Ok.

Turns out (drum roll.....) there is no game tonight. DS10 and I found out by showing up. No team on the field in our colors.

I send DS to ask the director, in case it was just the wrong time. OR is it the wrong kid??? No, no game for either of my guys tonight. Must have been a miscommunication..... (eye roll)

On the ride back home, DS says "maybe dad was pranking us." Ha fucking ha.

I guess the program director must have gotten in touch with the idiot coach/Stretch, who called me to apologize. HE didn't realize the mistake "until he was in the pre-op room waiting to go in for SURGERY"... (c'mon! ask me about the damn surgery!!) He must have gotten "confused" looked at the wrong team or something. Stony silence from me.

I asked, "did you tell anyone else? We didn't see anyone there..." No, he mumbles something, probably trying to figure out how to get the word surgery in there one more time.

I interrupt, with "well (teammate) might have come since DS13 told his mom there was a game." (DS13 has this mom for a teacher and mentioned that there was a game)

Now it is Stretch's turn for the awkward silence. Um, well.... I know he was just trying to be helpful ...but...maybe DS shouldn't be telling people when games are....

Seriously? Dude. You spent the entire conversation with DS13 on the phone last night trying to convince him to come co-coach the (non-existent) game since you had SURGERY and now you want to BLAME DS for repeating your stupid how to fuck with my exwife shenanigans?

Congratulations, douchecanoe. You have managed to look like an idiot to the director. (pretty sure she has his number ) and a soccer parent of a classmate of one DS and the teacher to the other DS (pretty sure she can tell which members of the clan are smart and honest and not douchecanoes). You have failed to get anyone to ask about your surgery and were therefore forced to offer unsollicited that you have a detached retina via text message.

DS said dad has Cadillacs. I smiled. Cadillacs? or cataracts? Cadillacs? In his eye? DS said yes, pink ones. (I love that kid!) According to DS dad has been unable to see in one eye for like 3 weeks?

Damn. What a colossal idiot. If I hadn't married him for sure he'd be dead by now. Permanently blind in one eye might speed up the process? I can't wait to see how he tries to rock an eye patch. NOT.

I am projecting a future court date for non-compliance with support order (can't work if he can't see right?) and a request for forgiveness based on disability.

However, I am pretty sure just being fucking stupid is not a disability, regardless of what it leads to...

GabyBaby posted 5/12/2014 18:37 PM

What a douche....

However, I absolutely LOVE how you did not take the bait and ask about the surgery!
That must have really "hurt his widdle feewings".

Kajem posted 5/12/2014 18:58 PM


I just love your rant!!!!!

We married brothers from different mothers.

You did well keeping your cool, so did your sons. I'm ever so grateful that they have you for a mom!


Dreamboat posted 5/12/2014 19:04 PM

I am pretty sure just being fucking stupid is not a disability, regardless of what it leads to...

Nature_Girl posted 5/12/2014 19:27 PM

I bow down to your awesome ability to refrain from asking about his SURGERY. You're playing like a boss.

SBB posted 5/12/2014 19:46 PM


Maybe he can wear his DoucheBadge over his eye?

Or maybe he needs a cork on his fork like Ruprecht?

(c'mon! ask me about the damn surgery!!)

Can you get the info about soccer from another source? The girls swimming was cancelled at the weekend due to a electrical fault at the centre.. I'm not on their contact list yet. Do you think he let me know so that the girls didn't spend some of their Mother's Day being dragged to/from nonexistent lessons? No - another mum let me know. Because she knows he's a lower muppet and she cares more about my girls than he does.

caregiver9000 posted 5/12/2014 20:06 PM

Can you get the info about soccer from another source?

Well, I can follow this incident up with an email, and cc the director. I had to do that the very first season when everyone EXCEPT me was getting texts about cancellations, and pictures and schedule changes. Another mom was filling me in then. I sent a very "nice" email requesting to be included on all team communication or I would request a different coach who would communicate with me in the future. Situation remedied. Not sure how to check on the "only one getting fake information."

The director is aware since we showed up. And she knows his game playing before. I would guess she can figure this one out.

I know earlier this season Stretch did not call to tell us of a cancellation. When DS made excuses for why we didn't go, Stretch interrupted with "practice was cancelled buddy." DS was confused, asked about not getting a call? Stretch actually said, "It was cancelled for rain. I assumed it was actually raining." um, no. It actually wasn't raining. But we were under tornado watch, and I decided on my own, not to go to a field with no shelter under those circumstances. But raining? no. Did other parents get a call on that one? I don't know.

peridot posted 5/12/2014 20:07 PM

Is there anyway he could loose his position as a coach? What an idiot!

Waiting4Daylite posted 5/12/2014 20:16 PM


deena posted 5/12/2014 20:24 PM

Awesome rant!!!!

I envy people like you with such an awesome way with words.

That must have actually been fun dodging his surgery hints. Lol.

gma56 posted 5/12/2014 21:01 PM

However, I am pretty sure just being fucking stupid is not a disability, regardless of what it leads to

Excellent rant....can I just say it once ???

Aren't you happy you divorced him ? It's bad enough dealing kid issues with Stretch.
Thankfully it won't be forever.

[This message edited by gma56 at 9:02 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

GreatRoleModel posted 5/12/2014 22:19 PM

SBB that is the perfect video clip.

Caregiver that was a beautiful rant and a master class on how not to engage. I kept hearing the word SURGERY the whole time I was reading.

New tagline: despite co parenting with a lower muppet that needs surgery!

dmari posted 5/12/2014 23:32 PM

That is hilarious!!

and I almost spit my drink at NG and SBB post!!

wonderpets posted 5/13/2014 02:34 AM

You are awesome. Surgery!

Pinkyxo posted 5/13/2014 03:51 AM

OMG Caregiver...dying lmao. love douchecanoe.
Thanks for making me lol but so sorry you and your boy are dealing with this!! ((caregiver and ds))

trumanshow posted 5/13/2014 07:42 AM

Bet the "surgery" is actually a testing procedure or something like getting a wart taken off in a doctor's office. Sounds like a drama queen

caregiver9000 posted 5/13/2014 18:00 PM

thank you for the support and the awesome images!!

The pictures are perfect. thinking of them today helped as today was a perfectly horrible day at school and I found myself quite grumpy.

BTW, the Steve Martin pic? Remember when Stretch dyed his hair? He looked like Steve Martin kinda sorta. Maybe a cross between Steve Martin and Mad-Eye Moody.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/13/2014 18:22 PM

Dude, you totally freaked out the obsessive Harry Potter fan. I love Mad-Eye!! Didn't catch on to the eye patch relationship till I stopped remembering all my favorite Mad-Eye moments

End t/j

I'm betting Stretch got to his surgewey in the waaaaaaahmbulance...

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 6:38 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

beingmiranda posted 5/13/2014 19:27 PM

I'm sorry but I almost wet my pants reading this!

caregiver9000 posted 5/13/2014 20:04 PM

Round 2... "Return of the Surgery" (cue the dramatic music...)

The phone call ritual.

DS tells Stretch he doesn't appreciate being LIED to.

Stretch: about what? (yes, please clarify before you defend yourself for lying. Must not confuse the many lies juggling in your world)

DS: the FAKE game?

Stretch: that wasn't a lie, it was a mistake. (SNORT! Haven't we heard that before ladies?)

Stretch: It was a mistake, and I couldn't fix it because (wait for it) I had SURGERY yesterday... remember?

sigh. As if we have had a chance to forget...

Stretch: Man, you should see my eye! It is jacked up.... You want me to text you a picture of it???

DS: No.

Stretch: what? Why not?

DS: uh, you said it was gross? I don't want to see that.

Stretch asked if DS went to practice tonight. DS told him No.

Stretch: why not?

DS: (with some bite in his voice) Because we went last night for no reason... and I didn't feel like doing it again.

Stretch actually said (and I am sure this is exactly how he feels) Oh. Well that's ok. I wasn't there either!!

Yes, boys and girls, because if Stretch wasn't there, it didn't really happen. Practice may have been run by another coach, the team may have sweat and run, but since Stretch is in RECOVERY (rhymes with surgery almost...) he couldn't be there and therefore! NOTHING IMPORTANT could POSSIBLY have happened.

What kind of math is this?

all life events - Stretch = useless waste of time

Stretch may have had eye surgery, but I am currently feeling like I have an ice pick jabbed repeatedly into mine.

Seriously, though. Thanks for the sympathy and the commiseration, but truly, he is so STUPID and PREDICTABLE that I don't get too ruffled. But I do enjoy telling his antics! Y'all are too fun to share with!!!! And the beacon of hope... there is life, laughter and recovery after surgery. Afterall, I had a 250 pound wayward removed.

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